The Role You Played in Your Family (And How It Shows Up in Your Relationships Today)

I've been absolutely glued to Dr. Alexandra Solomon's podcast lately, and I just have to share what I've been learning with you. You know those moments when someone puts words to something you've always felt but never quite understood? That's what happened when I started listening to her series on Family of Origin Roles.

Here's the thing: we don't just wake up one day as adults with fully formed relationship patterns. The way we love, connect, and show up for others? It all started way back in what Dr. Solomon calls our "Original Love Classroom"—aka the family we grew up in.

And I know what you might be thinking. "Oh great, another thing to blame my parents for." But that's not what this is about at all. This is about understanding ourselves with compassion so we can show up more authentically in our relationships today.

What Are Family of Origin Roles?

Dr. Solomon explains that family systems often cast members into roles as a way to maintain stability. Think of it like this: when a family is under stress (and let's be honest, what family isn't?), everyone unconsciously takes on a role to help keep things running. Maybe you were the kid who never caused problems. Or the one who always made everyone laugh. Or the overachiever who made your parents proud.

These roles weren't chosen consciously—they just... happened. And here's the wild part: those roles we played as children continue to shape how we show up in our adult relationships, whether we realize it or not.

Through her research and clinical work, Dr. Solomon has identified six common family roles. Let me walk you through them, and I bet you'll start to see yourself (or someone you love) in at least one of these.

The Six Family Roles

1. The Perfect One

This was the superstar kid. The one bringing home good grades and accolades, making the family look good. If this was you, you probably learned early on that your worth was tied to your achievements.

How it shows up now: You might find yourself constantly chasing the next accomplishment, believing you're only as lovable as your latest success. Rest feels impossible because you're always performing.

The core belief: I am loved to the degree that I achieve.

2. The Easy One

This child existed in the background, going with the flow while other family members took up more space or struggled. You were the one who didn't make waves, who adapted to everyone else's needs.

How it shows up now: You're probably an expert people-pleaser. Saying "I'm fine with anything" is your go-to, even when you're not actually fine. You might struggle to even know what you want because you're so used to accommodating everyone else.

The core belief: I am loved to the degree I am accommodating.

3. The Parentified Child

This child was told they were "so mature" or "wise beyond their years". You might have been the emotional support for a parent, or took care of younger siblings in ways that went beyond normal responsibilities.

How it shows up now: You're probably the friend everyone turns to for advice, but you struggle to be vulnerable yourself. You might unconsciously choose partners who need "fixing" or find yourself in relationships where you're doing all the emotional heavy lifting.

The core belief: I am loved to the degree that I take care of others.

4. The Struggling One

In some families, there's one person who needs more care and attention than others—whether due to health issues, behavioral challenges, learning differences, or other struggles. This role absorbed a lot of the family's energy and attention.

How it shows up now: You might still feel like you're "too much" or worry about burdening others with your needs. Or conversely, you might have learned that struggle is the only way to get attention in relationships.

The core belief: I am loved to the degree that I need help (or conversely, I must struggle to be seen).

5. The Peacemaker

This child played referee or mediator, using intervention or subtler strategies like comic relief to manage family conflict. You were the one trying to keep everyone happy and smooth over tensions.

How it shows up now: You probably find yourself stuck in the middle of other people's conflicts, even when it's not your place. You might avoid necessary confrontation in your own relationships because you're so conflict-averse.

The core belief: I am loved to the degree that I keep the peace.

6. The Rebel

This child attempted to create emotional safety by pushing back or standing out, often labeled as difficult, contrarian, or the odd one out. You questioned family norms and weren't afraid to be different.

How it shows up now: You might find yourself automatically pushing back against authority or "the crowd," even when cooperation would serve you better. You value authenticity fiercely, but sometimes at the cost of connection.

The core belief: I am loved to the degree that I stand out or push back.

Here's something important: you might resonate with more than one role. That's completely normal! Family dynamics shift over time—maybe you were The Easy One until a sibling struggled and you became The Parentified Child. Or perhaps you were The Perfect One at school but The Rebel at home. Some of us even toggled between roles depending on which parent we were with or what was happening in the family at any given time. So as you read through these, pay attention to which ones feel familiar, even if they seem contradictory. That complexity is part of your story.

Why This Matters for Your Relationships

Here's what gets me emotional about this work: these roles helped you survive your childhood, but they might be limiting you now. The Easy One needs to practice speaking up. The Perfect One needs to practice being imperfect. The Peacemaker needs to let others handle their own conflicts.

When we understand the role we played, we can start to see how it's affecting our friendships, our romantic relationships, even how we show up at work or in community. We can start asking ourselves: "Is this who I truly am, or is this who I learned to be?"

How These Roles Show Up in Your Friendships and Relationships

Once you start seeing these patterns, you can't unsee them. Let me give you some real-world examples of how these childhood roles can play out in our adult connections:

In romantic relationships:

• The Perfect One might struggle with vulnerability, only showing their partner the polished version of themselves. They panic when they make mistakes and need constant reassurance that they're "doing relationships right." I've seen this play out when someone can't relax on a casual date night because they're too busy trying to orchestrate the perfect evening.

• The Parentified Child often ends up in lopsided relationships where they're always the one giving advice, managing emotions, or "fixing" their partner's problems. They might be attracted to people who seem to need them, then feel resentful when the relationship feels one-sided.

• The Easy One says "I don't care, you pick" so many times that their partner stops asking what they actually want. Then five years in, they realize their partner doesn't really know them at all—because they've never let themselves be known.

In friendships:

• The Peacemaker becomes the group therapist, mediating every conflict and carrying everyone's emotional baggage. They're exhausted from managing everyone else's relationships but feel guilty setting boundaries because "that's just who I am."

• The Rebel might unconsciously pick fights or play devil's advocate even with close friends, creating unnecessary conflict because pushing back feels safer than being too close. They might mistake connection for conformity and pull away just when friendships are deepening.

• The Struggling One might test friendships by creating drama or crisis, unconsciously checking to see if people will stay. Or they might do the opposite—hiding any real struggle because they're so afraid of being "too much."

At work and in community:

• The Perfect One volunteers for everything, leads every project, and burns out trying to prove their worth. They struggle to delegate because they believe everything needs their touch to be "good enough."

• The Easy One gets volunteered for tasks they don't want to do and ends up resentful. They're the one staying late to help setup for events they didn't even want to attend in the first place.

• The Parentified Child becomes the unofficial counselor at work, with everyone stopping by their desk to vent. They give great advice but rarely ask for help themselves, even when they're drowning.

Here's what I've noticed in my own life and in hosting events: we often recreate the same dynamics we grew up with. The Peacemaker gravitates toward friend groups with lots of drama (there's always something to mediate!). The Perfect One surrounds themselves with high-achievers (the competition feels familiar). The Rebel finds themselves in spaces where they're always the outsider looking in.

And here's the tender part—we're doing this because it feels like love. Because this is what love looked like when we were learning what love was.

Dr. Solomon calls this work "Relational Self-Awareness," and honestly, it's been transformative for me. It's about looking at the roles we took on, who we felt we had to be, or who we weren't allowed to be.

Finding Your Way Forward

The beautiful thing is that recognizing your role is the first step toward freedom. You're not trying to fix yourself—you're already whole. You're just learning to distinguish between who you had to be to feel safe as a child and who you actually are as an adult.

The Easy One can practice saying "Hold on! This plan doesn't work for me!" The Rebel can practice going with the flow. The Perfect One can practice resting.

It's not about completely abandoning these parts of ourselves—they served us well once. It's about expanding beyond them so we have more choices in how we show up.

Reflect and Connect

I'm curious—do you see yourself in any of these roles? Or maybe you're seeing your partner, your best friend, or even your own kids in a new light?

Dr. Solomon offers a free quiz where you can explore which role resonates most with you. She also has a free workbook with deeper exercises to help you work through what you discover.

And if you're local and want to process this together, I'd love to explore hosting an evening where we can discuss these patterns in a supportive space. There's something powerful about recognizing we're not alone in these patterns—that we all came from families that did the best they could, and we're all just trying to love better now.

Because that's what this is really about, isn't it? Learning to love ourselves and others with more awareness, more compassion, and more freedom.

Want to dive deeper? Check out Dr. Alexandra Solomon's Reimagining Love podcast, particularly her Family of Origin Roles series. You can also explore her books Loving Bravely, Taking Sexy Back, and Love Every Day for more tools on building healthier relationships through self-awareness.

Sources:

• Solomon, A. (2024, November 12). "What Role Did You Play In Your Family of Origin?" Reimagining Love podcast. https://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/what-role-did-you-play-in-your-family-of-origin-re-release/

• Solomon, A. (2024, December 17). "Family of Origin Roles Series: The Easy One (From Accommodation to Authenticity)." https://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/blog/family-of-origin-roles-series-the-easy-one

• Solomon, A. (2025, February 11). "Family of Origin Roles Series: The Rebel (From Critical to Curious)." http://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/blog/family-of-origin-roles-series-the-rebel-from-confidant-to-consultant/

• Solomon, A. (2025, January 14). "Family of Origin Roles Series: The Peacemaker (From Referee to Realist)." https://www.dralexandrasolomon.com/podcasts/category/Parenting

All concepts and framework credit: Dr. Alexandra Solomon, licensed clinical psychologist and author. Learn more at dralexandrasolomon.com.