The Book That Changed How I Think About Relationships: "Who Deserves Your Love" by KC Davis

You know that feeling when you read something and it's like someone finally put words to all the confusing feelings you've had about your relationships? That's exactly what happened when I listened to KC Davis's Who Deserves Your Love on audiobook. Link to book (I may get a small commission from purchases via this link)

I've been thinking a lot lately about how complicated love and relationships really are—not just romantic ones, but friendships, family dynamics, all of it. And this book? It gave me a framework that feels so much more real than the black-and-white advice we usually get.

It's Not About Cutting People Off

Here's what I loved most: this isn't a book about cutting people off—it's about choosing both connection and self-respect. KC Davis, who's a licensed therapist, brings such warmth and practicality to these hard conversations. She gets that relationships are messy and that sometimes the people we love most are also the ones who hurt us.

The book gave me something I didn't even know I needed: permission to hold multiple truths at once. You can love someone and need boundaries. You can want connection and require respect. Those things aren't contradictory—they're actually how we build relationships that last.

Understanding Mistreatment vs. Abuse

One of the sections that really stuck with me was about distinguishing mistreatment from abuse. This is so important, and honestly, I don't think we talk about it enough.

KC opens up about her own story—growing up with a father who struggled with alcoholism. She describes experiencing emotional abuse as a child: the unpredictable mood swings, the lack of psychological safety, the way cruelty was justified when people were angry. She talks about feeling "mistreated just enough to want to be rescued but not mistreated enough to deserve it," never feeling like her pain was enough to matter.

But here's what's so powerful about her approach: She shows us how to hold two truths at once. Yes, her father's behavior traumatized her. And yes, he also deeply loved her—writing her letters every single week during her 80 weeks in rehab, always believing in her.

Not all hurtful behavior is abuse, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter. Some relationships involve people who are genuinely doing their best, but their best still hurts us. Maybe it's a parent who criticizes because they learned that's what "caring" looks like. Maybe it's a friend whose anxiety makes them controlling. Maybe it's a partner whose depression leaves you feeling lonely even when you're together.

KC talks about how a mentor asked her a life-changing question: "How old are you?" When she answered twenty-two, the mentor told her something difficult but freeing: "Your father's responsibility to be the person you needed emotionally when you were a child ended when your childhood did... You can't keep coming back to your father now that you are an adult, expecting him to give you the emotional support you never received—emotional support he isn't capable of right now."

This is where the real work begins. These are the questions that keep us up at night, right? And instead of giving us a one-size-fits-all answer, KC gives us tools to figure out what's right for our specific situation.

She asks us to consider: Can I learn to love this person for who they are and heal within the relationship as it is? Or is my healing dependent on putting space between us?

The book helps you balance self-accountability with having standards for others. It's about recognizing that the impact trauma has on you isn't your fault, but addressing your behavior in relationships is your responsibility. And at the same time, you get to decide what you can and cannot accept from others.

The Relationship Decision Tree

The book includes something called the Relationship Decision Tree—a step-by-step tool to help you make decisions about whether to stay in, strengthen, or step back from a relationship. I love this because it takes the guesswork out of those moments when you're lying awake at 2am wondering, "Am I overreacting? Am I being too harsh? Should I give them another chance?"

The Decision Tree helps you think through things like your values, your emotional capacity, and whether the relationship is actually serving both people involved. It's practical without being cold, which is exactly the kind of guidance we need when our hearts are involved.

Love Can Be Unconditional, But Relationships Shouldn't Be

This might be my favorite insight from the whole book: love can be unconditional, but relationships shouldn't be.

Wow, right?

You can love someone deeply and still require certain things from the relationship. You can have compassion for someone's struggles while also protecting your own peace. The book emphasizes that vulnerability, trauma, and personal history can be both the cause of and the solution to relationship struggles.

Boundaries as Tools, Not Walls

Here's where KC's approach really differs from other boundary books I've read: She shows us that in a world that too often treats boundaries as walls, we can use them instead as tools for creating more emotionally balanced, meaningful connections.

I think a lot of us have absorbed this idea that good boundaries mean cutting people off or building fortress walls around ourselves. We think we have to choose between protecting ourselves and staying connected. But that's not what healthy boundaries actually are.

KC makes a really important distinction: boundaries control your own behavior, while control tactics aim to manage someone else's. A boundary isn't "You need to text me back within an hour" (that's trying to control someone else). A boundary is "If you're consistently unavailable when I need support, I'll invest more energy in friendships where I feel prioritized."

See the difference? One puts the power in your hands without trying to force someone else to change.

And here's what I found so refreshing: She acknowledges that many boundary books are too black and white, too "right and wrong," when real life is full of nuance. Sometimes boundaries that are too rigid actually keep us from the connection we're craving. If we're so afraid of being hurt that we never let anyone in, we end up isolated and lonely.

KC provides scripts for setting boundaries without guilt, which is exactly what so many of us need. We know we should set boundaries, but we don't know how to do it without feeling like we're being mean or selfish.

The book also talks about something I hadn't considered before: how people sometimes use the language of therapy to disguise their own misbehavior. Like someone saying "I'm just setting a boundary" when really they're punishing you or trying to control you. It's so important to understand the difference.

She brings this lens of self-compassion to everything, which makes the hard work of relationships feel a little less overwhelming. The book explores why conflict can actually be intimacy, why small moments strengthen relationships, and how to get healthy around your vulnerabilities.

It's About Conscious Co-Healing

One concept that really moved me was this idea of "conscious co-healing." KC explains that healing can happen within relationships—that sometimes our issues can't fully heal outside of connection with others. It's not that love magically fixes us, but that relationships bring our struggles to the surface, and if we're intentional about it, we can actually grow through those painful moments.

This feels so true to my experience. The relationships that have changed me most weren't the easiest ones—they were the ones where I had to show up honestly, work through hard things, and learn how to both give and receive love better.

Designed for Real Life

I also appreciated that the book is especially accessible for people with ADHD or depression, using short sections, lists, and diagrams to make complex ideas digestible. KC clearly understands that when you're struggling, you don't need a dense academic text—you need clarity and compassion.

Final Thoughts

Who Deserves Your Love isn't about finding perfect relationships or becoming a perfect partner. It's about learning to navigate the beautiful, complicated reality of loving imperfect people (including ourselves) with more wisdom and grace.

If you've ever felt stuck in a relationship—whether romantic, familial, or friendship—and didn't know whether to stay or go, this book might give you the clarity you've been looking for. And if you're someone who tends to put everyone else first, it might help you remember that you deserve care and respect too.

Because here's the truth: figuring out who deserves your love isn't selfish. It's one of the most important things you'll ever do for yourself and the people you care about.

Have you read it? I'd love to hear what resonated with you. Drop a comment below or send me a message—I'm always up for talking about this stuff.