Self-love and relationships

What’s your love story? Here’s mine – but it’s not what you think. It doesn’t involve another person, nor does it have an ending. In fact, it’s still unfolding as you read this sentence. This is the story of how I learned to love myself—and how you can too. Probably not what you expected, huh? You’re not alone. Most of us think of relationships in terms of others—partners, friends, family. Rarely do we consider the relationship we have with ourselves, yet you can’t truly understand one without the other.

So, what does it really mean to love yourself? We often think of love in terms of romantic relationships or friendships, but real love begins with you. The more you value and invest in yourself, the higher the quality of people you attract into your life. The best part? There’s always a great return on investment, which can’t always be said for relationships with others (as hard as we may try). We attract what we believe we deserve. So, if you’re attracting “low value” individuals, it might be time to take a good look in the mirror.

Let’s clarify what I mean by value. I’m not talking about money or external qualities like physical attraction. I’m talking about intrinsic qualities: your values, morals, and principles. I challenge you to show up in your life as the person you want to attract, whether that’s a romantic partner, a business partner, or a fiend. If you want someone who listens well, be a good listener. If you want honesty, be honest.

To be fully transparent, I haven’t always loved myself, and I still struggle sometimes thanks to a very loud (and frankly obnoxious) inner critic. More about her later… Anyway, there’s a part of me—let’s call her Gina—who cringes at the phrase “self-love.” I’m picturing her right now, pointing to her mouth and pretending to gag. So, if you feel that same instinctual repulsion to self-love, you’re not alone.

This takes me back to my college years when I first started my own self-love journey (although, looking back, it was more about how to dislike myself less). My therapist suggested I come up with positive affirmations and repeat them daily while looking in the mirror. “I am strong, I am smart…” You get the idea. While I understand the concept of “fake it till you make it,” this just felt inauthentic to me. Even if I repeated those sentences 1,000 times, I couldn’t trick myself into loving myself. I needed actionable steps, a guide, perhaps even a “Loving Yourself for Dummies” manual.

So, I started with what I knew: how to love others and what makes me feel loved. First, I asked myself, “How do you show love?” My answers were:

1. I show up for others when they need me.

2. I give them my time and attention.

3. I check in with them.

4. I celebrate their victories and comfort them during times of loss.

5. I offer advice (when asked) or just listen.

Then, I completed this sentence: “I feel loved when ___________.” My answers were:

1. When someone spends time with me

2. When someone considers how I feel.

3. When someone shows up for me, in good times and bad.

4. When someone tells me I’m loved and appreciated.

5. When I know someone values me.

These are just my examples. Everyone’s answers will vary based on what they value most in relationships and may change at different stages in life. But at our core, I believe we all want to be seen, heard, and feel like we matter.

Now, let’s turn the focus back on ourselves with the question, “How can I love myself more deeply?” If you’ve completed the previous two exercises, you already have your answer:

1. I will show up for myself.

2. I will give myself time and attention.

3. I will check in with myself.

4. I will celebrate myself and all I’ve accomplished.

5. I will listen to myself—really listen—to my heart, my mind, my needs.

Reading this list feels less cringey, doesn’t it? These are things I do all the time for others, and now I do them for myself too. I had to learn how to be my own friend before I could truly love myself. I challenge you to do the same.

Danielle Frouws is a Charlotte-based therapist with over 10 years of experience helping individuals navigate life’s challenges. She specializes in treating depression, anxiety, addiction, grief, and stress.

Danielle believes in the power of self-compassion and mindfulness as tools for healing and growth. When she's not in session she enjoys exploring nature, practicing yoga, and traveling.

You can learn more about her on her website, www.daniellefrouws.com. You can also find her on Instagram at daniellefrouws_lmhc