Different Love Languages and How to Bridge the Gap

Imagine this: You plan a weekend getaway for your partner—a charming cabin, a playlist for the drive, their favorite snacks, even a handwritten note tucked into their bag. You're excited. This is your way of saying "I love you." But when they see it all, they smile politely, say thank you… and later, tell you they’ve been feeling disconnected.

Oof.

It’s a gut punch when love gets lost in translation.

But here’s the thing: We don’t all speak the same emotional dialect. And unless we learn to say I love you in a way the other person truly hears it, even the most heartfelt gestures might not land.

That’s where the concept of Love Languages comes in.

What Are the 5 Love Languages?

Coined by Dr. Gary Chapman in his bestselling book, The 5 Love Languages (1992), the theory outlines five distinct ways people give and receive love:

1. Words of Affirmation – Kind words, compliments, and expressions of appreciation. “You mean so much to me.” “I love the way you light up a room.”

2. Acts of Service – Doing helpful things to show love: making coffee, running errands, taking care of the to-do list.

3. Receiving Gifts – Thoughtful presents that show you were thinking of them. It’s less about materialism and more about meaning.

4. Quality Time – Undivided attention. It’s the dinner table with phones away, the long walks, the deep conversations.

5. Physical Touch – Holding hands, hugs, kisses, cuddles. Even a reassuring pat on the back.

Each of us has one or two primary languages that make us feel most seen and valued. And spoiler: they’re often not the same as our partner’s or best friend’s.

Real Talk: Love Language Mismatches Happen (And It’s Okay)

Let’s go back to that couple at the cabin. That was a real couple I worked with (names changed): Maya and Chris.

Maya’s love language? Quality Time. Chris? Acts of Service.

To Maya, the getaway was perfect. No distractions, just the two of them. But Chris had spent weeks secretly fixing up the bathroom in their house—a long-overdue renovation he knew she wanted. He thought that was the big gesture.

They were both pouring love into the relationship. It just looked completely different. And they were both feeling a little unloved.

Once they took the Love Languages quiz (it’s free on 5lovelanguages.com), it was like turning the lights on in a dim room. They started naming their languages in everyday moments:

• “Hey, I know I’m not great at saying how I feel, but I cleaned your car today because I love you.” (Acts of Service)

• “Can we put our phones away during dinner tonight? I miss just being with you.” (Quality Time)

That small shift? Game changer.

It’s Not Just for Couples

Love languages apply to every relationship—friendships, family, even coworkers (though Physical Touch probably shouldn’t show up at the office).

One of my closest friends, Rachel, lights up over Quality time and Acts of Service. She shows love by planning our coffee dates or helping people move. I’m more of a Words of affirmation and Physical touch person, so I show love by telling her how great she is.

For her, she'll feel loved when I make plans and we spend quality time together. I feel loved if she affirms me and validates me as a friend.

Bridging the Gap: When Love Languages Don’t Match

If you and your loved one speak different primary languages, don’t panic. It doesn’t mean you’re incompatible—it means you get to learn something new about each other.

Here are a few ways to bridge that gap:

1. Learn Their Language, Even If It’s Not Native to You

You don’t have to become fluent overnight. Think of it as learning key phrases. If your partner loves Physical Touch but you didn’t grow up with hugs, start small—a squeeze of the hand, a morning kiss, a brush of the shoulder in passing.

2. Use a “Love Language Calendar”

Each week, aim to speak your loved one’s language at least once. It doesn’t have to be elaborate—a Post-it note with kind words, a surprise coffee drop-off, a dedicated hour to connect without distractions.

3. Have Regular “Love Check-ins”

Ask each other, “What made you feel most loved this week?” It’s a sweet way to gather data without it feeling clinical. Over time, you’ll start to see patterns.

4. Speak Your Own Language Too

Don’t abandon your own love language entirely. Express your needs openly: “It would mean a lot if we could spend some time together this weekend, just us.” Teaching someone how to love you well is a gift to the relationship.

The Bigger Picture: Love is a Practice

When it comes down to it, love isn’t about grand gestures. It’s about tuning in. Paying attention. Asking, “How can I show up in a way that lands for you?”

Whether it’s your partner, your sibling, your roommate, or your best friend from high school—you can become fluent in their love language over time. Not perfectly. Not always easily. But intentionally.

And that, in itself, is love.

Want to Learn Your Love Language?

Take the free quiz here: 5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language

Or better yet—make it a fun group activity. You might be surprised by what you learn.

Your turn:
What’s your love language? And how has knowing it shaped the way you give or receive love?

Tell me in the comments—I’d love to hear your story.