Dear Fernanda, My Friend Disappeared. How Should I Think About This?

"Dear Fernanda, I have a friend who kind of disappeared and has been distant even though I used to see them often and they used to call and text me pretty frequently. Now If I send them messages they'll respond with a brief response but don't engage. I last saw them almost 2 months ago and they haven't been attending our shared groups. Is this normal? I don't think we had any issues that would cause a distance like this. I talked to a common friend and she is witnessing the same type of withdrawing behavior from this friend. I'm trying to not take it personally, but it's hard. How should I think about this situation?"

Dear Confused and Trying Not to Take It Personally,

First things first: I’m really glad you asked this question. Not because there’s a clean, tidy answer (there isn’t), but because what you’re experiencing is deeply human and quietly painful in a way we don’t talk about enough.

When a friend slowly fades; fewer texts, shorter replies, no longer showing up to shared spaces, it can feel like emotional whiplash. Especially when there was no obvious conflict. One day you’re part of each other’s lives, and the next you’re staring at your phone wondering, “Did I miss something?”

You didn’t. At least, not necessarily.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth: sometimes people withdraw for reasons that have nothing to do with us — and that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

Is This Normal?

Annoyingly, yes.

Psychologists who study adult friendships say that withdrawal is one of the most common (and least discussed) ways people cope when they’re overwhelmed. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, people often pull back socially during periods of stress, burnout, depression, or major life transitions — not because they don’t care, but because connection feels like one more thing they don’t have the capacity to manage.

She talks about this in Time:
https://time.com/6266669/adult-friendships-drift-apart/

What’s important here is that your mutual friend is noticing the same behavior. That matters. It suggests a pattern — not a personal rejection.

Why It Still Feels So Hard

Even when we understand this intellectually, emotionally it can still sting.

Our brains are wired for connection, and when someone we trust goes quiet, our nervous system tends to fill in the blanks. Usually with stories that don’t feel great: "I did something wrong. They don’t value me anymore. I’m being slowly phased out."

Psychologist Dr. Lisa Firestone explains that ambiguity in relationships can be more distressing than clear loss, because the lack of clarity keeps us in a state of emotional suspense:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201312/the-anxiety-ambiguity

So if you’re trying not to take it personally and failing a little, that doesn’t mean you’re insecure. It means you’re attached. There’s a difference.

How to Think About This

Here’s a reframe that often helps: Instead of asking, “Why are they doing this to me?” try asking, “What might be happening in their inner world that I can’t see?”

That question doesn’t excuse behavior that hurts. It just releases you from the reflex to blame yourself for something you may have no control over.

You can hold two truths at once: this might not be about you, and it still hurts.

What to Do / What Not to Do

When you’re in this limbo, it helps to have some gentle guardrails.

What to do:

• Send one warm, low-pressure check-in if it feels aligned. Something simple and human, like: “I’ve missed seeing you and hope you’re doing okay.”

• Pay attention to patterns, not just individual moments. Consistency tells you more than one text ever will.

• Keep investing in other relationships and communities that feel reciprocal. Don’t shrink your world while waiting for clarity.

• Let yourself feel sad without rushing to label the friendship as “over” or “broken.”

What not to do:

• Don’t chase clarity through repeated messages or emotional explanations. That often creates more distance, not less.

• Don’t assume silence equals rejection or wrongdoing on your part.

• Don’t put your life on hold waiting for them to return to who they used to be.

• Don’t gaslight yourself into thinking you “shouldn’t care.” You cared because the connection mattered.

Research from the Greater Good Science Center shows that having multiple sources of connection protects our emotional well-being when one relationship becomes uncertain:
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_to_build_resilient_friendships

One Last Thing

Sometimes friendships don’t end. They change shape. Sometimes they pause. Sometimes they soften into something quieter. And sometimes they teach us who has the capacity to meet us where we are right now.

None of those outcomes mean you were too much. Or not enough. They mean you’re paying attention. And learning how to stay open without abandoning yourself. That’s not a small thing.

With warmth,
Fernanda