Dating Red Flags: What I Learned About Spotting Dangerous Men (and Protecting Yourself)

A few months ago, I picked up a book that stopped me in my tracks: "How to Spot a Dangerous Man before you get involved" by Sandra L. Brown (I may earn commission from this link). It wasn’t just about spotting “dangerous men” in dating—it also shined a light on our own patterns that can make us vulnerable to unhealthy relationships.

Reading it was like holding up a mirror. On one hand, I was nodding along at the obvious red flags I had ignored in the past. On the other hand, I realized how often I had been conditioned to dismiss my own instincts, downplay danger, and believe that I could somehow “fix” someone else.

This post is a mix of what I learned from the book and my own reflections. My hope is that by sharing, I can help others recognize red flags sooner, protect their boundaries, and walk toward healthier relationships.

Why We Overlook Red Flags

Many of us were taught to override our discomfort for the sake of being “nice,” “understanding,” or “loyal.” This conditioning shows up in all sorts of ways:

• Normalizing abnormal behavior.

• Downplaying danger.

• Violating our own boundaries to avoid conflict.

• Trusting too quickly instead of letting people earn it.

• Believing it’s our job to rescue someone or stay optimistic no matter how bad things get.

• Accepting attention as love, even when it feels wrong.

• Resisting labeling someone’s behavior as what it truly is: addiction, abuse, or manipulation.

When you combine these patterns with the wrong kind of partner, you have a recipe for heartbreak—or worse.

The Red Flags to Watch For

The book outlined common signs of unhealthy or dangerous partners. Looking back, I can see how many of these I’ve either witnessed in friends’ relationships or brushed off in my own.

Here are the big ones:

🚩 Dating Red Flags

• Doesn’t respect your need for time alone.

• Pushes to see you constantly.

• Discourages outside interests, family, or friends.

• Pressures you into things that make you uncomfortable (lying, lending money, sex).

• Uses drugs—or drinks excessively.

• Struggles to hold a job, frequently changes jobs, or gets fired often (with endless excuses).

• Tries to control your appearance, career, friends, or spiritual life.

• Wants you to quit or change jobs or friendships for them.

• Has a trail of unsuccessful relationships.

• Conceals important information you only discover later.

• Has a reputation for lying.

• Comes across as too charming or excessively smooth.

• Has a criminal record or untreated mental health issues (especially when tied to violence, substance abuse, or personality disorders).

• Dismisses rules as if they don’t apply to them.

• Acts as though they are “special” or entitled.

🚨 Universal Red Flags

These are the ones that are less about what he does and more about how you feel when you’re with him:

• You feel uncomfortable, scared, or drained.

• You dread his calls or wish he’d go away.

• You’re often bored, but also emotionally exhausted.

• You think you’re the only one who truly “understands” or can help him.

• You want to love him into wellness.

• You find yourself making excuses for his behavior.

• You feel bad about yourself when you’re around him.

• You notice he pushes for intimacy (emotional or physical) way too quickly.

• You realize you’re abandoning your own boundaries to please him.

• You sense he’s more interested in talking about himself than really knowing you.

• You’ve started isolating from friends and family.

• You feel like you can’t say “no” without backlash.

The Hardest Truth

The biggest lesson? Red flags are not challenges to overcome. They’re signals to get out.

But here’s the part that hit me hardest: dangerous men aren’t the whole story. Our own conditioning—our people-pleasing, optimism, desire to rescue, fear of saying no—sets us up to ignore our gut.

The real work isn’t just spotting red flags in others. It’s also unlearning the habits that make us overlook them in the first place.

Protecting Yourself in Dating

Here’s what I took away (and what I’m still practicing):

• Trust your gut. Discomfort is data.

• Slow down. Real intimacy takes time.

• Hold your boundaries. Saying no doesn’t make you unkind—it makes you safe.

• Let people earn your trust. Not everyone deserves immediate access to your heart.

• Don’t romanticize red flags. Being “too charming” or “broken” isn’t special—it’s a warning.

• Remember your worth. Love should never cost you your peace, values, or safety.

Final Thoughts

If you’ve ever ignored a red flag, you’re not alone—I’ve been there too. What matters now is recognizing the patterns, both in others and in yourself, so you don’t get pulled back into them.

Healthy relationships don’t require constant rescue missions. They feel safe, steady, and aligned with your values.

And that’s what we all deserve. ❤️