Balancing Independence and Togetherness in Romantic Relationships

Balancing Independence and Togetherness in Romantic Relationships

2024 has been a wild ride of self-discovery, and let me tell you, it's been as transformative as a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. But this metamorphosis isn't just about me - it's about how I show up in my relationships, especially the romantic one. So, let's dive into the delicate dance of balancing independence and togetherness in romantic relationships.

You know, it's funny. When I started my journey of self-love and healing, I never realized how much it would impact my approach to relationships. But here I am, a completely different Fernanda, navigating the complexities of love with a newfound sense of self.

My husband and I have discovered the incredible value of alone time and time away from each other. It might sound counterintuitive, but this space has actually brought us closer together. We've learned that taking time for ourselves doesn't mean we love each other any less - in fact, it's quite the opposite. It's allowed us to grow individually, pursue our passions, and come back to each other with renewed energy and exciting stories to share. This balance has been a game-changer for our relationship, making our time together even more precious and meaningful.

Over the past few years I've taken a few "solo weekend trips" to either attend a salsa congress or spend time with good friends. Frank has also taken solo trips to Chicago to visit his friends. In our weekly routine, we have both have parts of the week we designate as each other's respective "Me Time". During my "me time", I go to happy hour with my girlfriends or I attend a language group. During his time, he goes to the cigar shop to smoke a cigar and decompress (it's a Cuban thing....). He's also been learning to play the drums! We also have plenty of together time either watching movies and TV shows, or going out salsa dancing. Spending time apart helps us be two well-rounded individuals who cultivate our own lives apart from each other as well as together.

The Independence Conundrum

Independence in relationships isn't about building walls. It's about creating a strong foundation for yourself so you can show up fully for your partner. As relationship expert Esther Perel puts it, "Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery"[1]. Isn't that just spot on?

Take my friends Sarah and Mike, for example. They've mastered the art of independence within their marriage. Sarah is an avid rock climber, while Mike is passionate about photography. Instead of forcing each other to participate in these hobbies, they encourage individual pursuits. Sarah often goes on weekend climbing trips with her friends, while Mike travels for photography workshops. When they reunite, they're bursting with stories and newfound inspiration, which keeps their relationship dynamic and exciting.

The Togetherness Tango (or should I say ... Salsa? )

Now, let's talk about togetherness. It's not about losing yourself in the other person - oh no, we're not going down that rabbit hole again! It's about creating a shared space where both individuals can thrive.

I recently read "Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, and it blew my mind. They talk about how our attachment styles influence our relationships. Turns out, healthy togetherness is about creating a secure base for each other, not about becoming one blob of a person[2].

Consider the case of Emma and John. They struggled with finding balance in their early years of marriage. They did everything together, from grocery shopping to choosing what to watch on Netflix. While it seemed romantic at first, they soon found themselves losing their individual identities. Arguments became more frequent, and they felt suffocated. It wasn't until they started therapy that they realized the importance of maintaining their individuality within the relationship.

Finding the Sweet Spot

So, how do we balance these seemingly opposing forces? Here's what I've learned:

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate: Remember when I couldn't even identify my feelings? Now, I'm all about open, honest conversations with my partner about our needs for independence and togetherness.

2. Respect boundaries: Just like I learned to respect my own boundaries (hello, inner critic!), it's crucial to respect your partner's boundaries too. As relationship counselor John Aiken points out, "Alone time in marriage fosters independence and strength rather than neediness and clinginess"[3].

3. Pursue individual interests: Keep those hobbies and passions alive! They make you interesting and keep the spark in your relationship. My friend Val took a solo trip to Boston, navigating trains and walking unfamiliar streets. She came back feeling empowered and capable, which positively impacted her relationship[3].

4. Quality time together: Plan activities you both enjoy. It's not about quantity, but quality. As the saying goes, "Prioritizing a relationship can mean putting quality above quantity. It's not how much time you spend together but how you are spending your time that really counts"[4].

5. Support each other's goals: Be each other's cheerleaders, not competitors. This support can lead to "fresh and dynamic conversations" in your relationship[5].

Let's look at Alex and Jamie, a couple who've nailed this balance. They have a shared calendar where they block out both "me time" and "us time". During their individual time, Alex attends art classes while Jamie goes for long runs. They respect these boundaries fiercely. But they also make sure to have regular date nights and weekend getaways where they focus solely on each other. This balance has allowed them to grow individually and as a couple.

The Benefits of Alone Time

Spending time apart can have numerous benefits for your relationship:

1. Reduced stress levels: Any relationship, no matter how smooth, can create stress. Alone time helps your mind declutter and switch off[5].

2. Deeper connection: By understanding yourself better through alone time, you can make deeper connections with those around you, including your partner[4].

3. Problem-solving: Sometimes, being too close to an issue makes it hard to solve. Creating space allows for clearer thinking and more effective problem-solving[4].

4. Appreciation: As the old saying goes, "absence makes the heart grow fonder". Time apart can help you appreciate your partner more[4].

5. Personal growth: Alone time ensures you don't lose sight of your own identity. As relationship expert Mark Manson says, "A healthy relationship is when two individualities decide to create a third entity"[6].

Remember, this balance isn't a destination - it's a journey. Some days you'll nail it, other days you'll fumble. But that's okay! As I learned in my year of healing and growth, it's all part of the process.

So, here's to finding that sweet spot between independence and togetherness. May your relationships be as transformative and healing as my 2024 has been.

An important reminder by Esther Perel:

“Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity. At the same time, we expect our committed relationships to be romantic as well as emotionally and sexually fulfilling. Is it any wonder that so many relationships crumble under the weight of it all?” - Mating in Captivity.

It truly does "take a village" to grow and fulfill a human being. :)

Now, go forth and balance, my friends! Your relationship (and your fabulous independent self) will thank you for it. After all, as the experts at Spunout.ie remind us, "Creating space to be by yourself and do things that interest you is important in a healthy relationship". So, embrace your alone time, cherish your togetherness, and watch your relationship flourish!

Citations:

[1] http://symmetrycounseling.com/uncategorized/10-relationship-benefits-spending-time-away-partner/

[2] https://adventuresfrugalmom.com/why-all-couples-need-individual-alone-time/

[3] https://spunout.ie/sex-relationships/relationships/time-for-yourself-in-relationship/

[4] https://risingrelationshipcenter.com/blog/how-much-alone-time-is-normal-in-couples

[5] https://www.encompasscc.org/blog/the-importance-of-alone-time-in-a-relationship

[6] https://www.imom.com/alone-time-in-marriage/