Balancing Commitments & Breaking Free From People-Pleasing: My Biggest Takeaways

At the beginning of the year, I set two intentions for myself:

1. Balance my commitments

2. Curb my people-pleasing tendencies

I had even posted about it here on LinkedIn, asking for recommendations. I decided to dive into the topic myself, the best way I know, through books. Since then, I've read nine books focused on people-pleasing, codependency, and overcommitment. What I've discovered has not only changed the way I think about boundaries, but also how I approach my relationships, commitments, and even motherhood.

Here's a deeper look at the most powerful lessons I've taken away, and why I think these themes resonate so strongly — especially with women.

1. Boundaries Are Bridges, Not Walls

Books like Boundary Boss by Terri Cole and The Joy of Saying No by Natalie Lue emphasize that boundaries are not about shutting people out. Instead, they're about creating healthier pathways to connection.

For years, I thought boundaries meant selfishness or rejection. What I've learned is the opposite: boundaries are an act of respect — for myself and others. They make relationships more honest and sustainable because no one is left silently resentful or stretched thin.

One phrase I keep coming back to: "If you're saying yes but secretly wishing you had said no, you're not being generous — you're being dishonest."

2. People-Pleasing Is Not Kindness

Anxious to Please and The Disease to Please made me realize that people-pleasing isn't about kindness at all — it's about fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of conflict. Fear of being seen as "too much."

It was humbling to realize that my "helpfulness" wasn't always altruistic. Sometimes, it was a way of protecting myself from discomfort. Real kindness, I've learned, comes from a place of authenticity, not obligation.

The reframe: Saying no doesn't make you unkind — it makes your yeses more meaningful.

3. Letting Go of Control Is Liberating

Mel Robbins' Let Them Theory and Nancy Colier's The Emotionally Exhausted Woman gave me the permission slip I didn't know I needed: let people have their own reactions.

I've spent years tying myself in knots trying to manage what others thought, felt, or expected. These books reminded me: other people's opinions and behaviors are not mine to control.

When I stopped trying to curate everyone else's experiences, I noticed a strange thing — my own stress lifted, and my relationships felt lighter.

4. Capacity Is Non-Negotiable

Jessica Turner's Stretched Too Thin gave me the most practical reminder of all: every yes has a cost. Time and energy are finite. When I commit beyond my capacity, the people and priorities that matter most — my family, my health, my peace of mind — end up paying the price.

Now I ask myself: Do I really have the bandwidth for this, or am I saying yes out of guilt? That tiny pause has saved me countless times from defaulting into overcommitment.

5. High-Functioning Codependency: The Invisible Strain

Terri Cole's book Too Much was the most eye-opening of all. She explains the concept of high-functioning codependency (HFC) — when you look like you have everything under control, but you're silently burning out because you're over-functioning for everyone else.

This struck a nerve, especially in conversations with my girlfriends. So many women — particularly moms — fall into this pattern. We anticipate everyone's needs. We manage the household, the logistics, the emotional labor. We bend over backwards to keep the wheels turning for everyone else. And because we're so "capable," no one sees how much it's costing us.

The truth is, HFC is unsustainable. It creates stress, resentment, and exhaustion. At its core, it's still about control: If I handle everything, then I can control the outcomes. If I make sure everyone else is okay, then maybe I'll feel okay too.

But here's what I'm learning — control is an illusion. And trying to manage the lives of everyone around us comes at the expense of our own well-being.

Cole's perspective reframed it for me: it's not our job to carry the full weight of everyone else's happiness or success. By constantly stepping in, we prevent others from building resilience and rob ourselves of the freedom to focus on our own needs.

6. You're Not "Too Much"

One of the most empowering messages in Too Much is that our emotions, desires, and needs are not flaws. They're not "too much." They're human.

This hit home for me. For years, I tried to shrink myself — suppress my needs, mute my emotions, and prove my worth through constant doing. Reading this book reminded me: if someone thinks I'm "too much," maybe they're just not enough for me.

What This Journey Has Taught Me

Across all nine books, one pattern kept surfacing: people-pleasing and high-functioning codependency are coping strategies. They're ways we've learned to earn approval, avoid conflict, or feel safe. But they come at a steep cost — exhaustion, resentment, and disconnection from ourselves.

The antidote isn't to harden or isolate. It's to build stronger boundaries, honor our capacity, and release the illusion of control.

Here's what I'm holding onto:

• Boundaries are not selfish — they're foundational to healthy connection

• Saying no is an act of integrity, not rejection

• Letting people manage their own reactions is a gift to both of us

• Capacity matters — when I honor mine, I show up better in every role

• High-functioning codependency is not sustainable; freedom comes when we step back and trust others to carry their share

A Note for Women & Moms

The more I talk about this with my girlfriends, the more I realize how many of us are quietly carrying the same load. Society rewards women — especially mothers — for being selfless, endlessly capable, and available. But that praise masks the toll it takes.

If you've been told you're "so strong" or "you handle everything so well," maybe it's time to ask: At what cost?

Because strength isn't about doing it all — it's about knowing what's yours to carry and what's not.

Your Turn

I'd love to hear from you:

• Have you noticed high-functioning codependency in your own life?

• What strategies or books have helped you set better boundaries and step out of people-pleasing?

Let's keep this conversation going — because the more we share, the freer we all become.