An Essential Read for Single Women Who Want to be in a Committed Relationship

"Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" by Lori Gottlieb is a thought-provoking exploration of modern dating and marriage that every single woman nearing 40 should read. As someone who's been through the dating trenches herself, Gottlieb offers a refreshingly honest and sometimes uncomfortable look at why so many smart, successful women struggle to find lasting love.

The book's central premise is that many women have unrealistic expectations when it comes to finding a partner. We've been conditioned to believe in the myth of "Mr. Perfect" and often overlook great guys because they don't tick every box on our lengthy list of must-haves. Gottlieb argues that by being too picky, we may be sabotaging our own chances at happiness.

One of the most eye-opening aspects of the book is Gottlieb's exploration of the "marriage market." As we age, the pool of available partners shrinks, especially for women who want to have children. It's a harsh reality, but one that Gottlieb backs up with data from sociologists and economists. She cites a study by economist Lena Edlund showing that for every 100 college-educated women in their 30s, there are only 85 college-educated men of the same age[1]. She goes on to recount that as women approach their 40s, men of the same age are typically looking to date younger women.

She also addresses the fact that many women hold on to their criteria and expectations from their prime dating years and fail to adjust their criteria as they age and circumstances are less favorable. She says women who do this are likely deluding themselves, thinking they'll find love in a serendipitous way like in a romantic comedy movies, and thinking that they still have a world of options. When in fact, the reality is that the numbers are not favorable to single women as they get into their 30s and 40s.

Gottlieb doesn't just rely on statistics, though. She shares personal anecdotes and interviews with women of all ages, many of whom express regret over passing up good men in their 20s and 30s for trivial reasons. A lot of times, those reasons now seem absurd, like: "he loved me too much" or "he had a bad fashion sense". Gottlieb dismantles each trivial reason for breaking up with a good man, offering a much needed challenging point of view to women in the dating world who are quick to walk away from potentially great relationships.

One of the book's most valuable insights is the distinction between needs and wants in a partner. Gottlieb argues that we often prioritize superficial qualities (height, income, shared hobbies) over more important traits like kindness, reliability, and emotional intelligence. She cites research from relationship expert John Gottman, who found that successful long-term couples share qualities like mutual respect, affection, and the ability to repair after conflicts[2].

Gottlieb also tackles the thorny issue of "settling." She re-frames it not as lowering your standards, but as focusing on what truly matters in a life partner. She chronicles her own sessions with a dating coach she refers to as "Evan". In those sessions, he offers her many "reality checks" when she's eliminating potential dates by making incorrect assumptions, or by being quick to judge based on pictures, names, and her perception of the men's occupations.

Evan flips the situation on her, and she feels the sting of being rejected due to her own life circumstance (being a single mom with a toddler). He helps her see the types of men she's targeting do not have her as their target woman. Evan dismantles her objections to meeting potential dates by helping her hone in on her top 3 needs in a partner (as opposed to a long list of objective criteria like height, education, etc). Evan guided her to recognize that no one is perfect (including herself) and that a good relationship requires compromise and growth from both parties.

For those worried that the book advocates marrying just anyone, rest assured that Gottlieb emphasizes the importance of chemistry and shared values. She's not suggesting you settle for someone you're not attracted to or who doesn't treat you well. Instead, she's encouraging readers to expand their definition of what makes a good partner. She also provides many real couple examples in which attraction wasn't strong at first, but then grew over time as partners gained appreciation for each other and their more important qualities, like kindness, honesty, respect, etc.

One of the most practical aspects of the book is Gottlieb's advice on how to date more effectively. She suggests focusing on a man's character rather than his resume, giving "good enough" guys a fair chance, and being open to set-ups from friends and family. She also recommends therapy as a tool for addressing any personal issues that might be holding you back in relationships.

While some of Gottlieb's assertions may be hard to swallow, her ultimate message is one of hope and empowerment. By adjusting our expectations and approach to dating, we can increase our chances of finding a loving, lasting partnership.

If you're a single woman in your late 30s or early 40s who's serious about finding a partner, "Marry Him" is a must-read. It may challenge your preconceptions, but it could also be the wake-up call you need to find lasting love. Remember, the goal isn't to settle for less than you deserve, but to recognize and appreciate a truly good man when he comes along.

Citations:

[1] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6692099-marry-him

[2] https://www.amazon.com/Marry-Him-Case-Settling-Enough/dp/045123216X

[3] https://www.drstephaniesmith.com/book-review-marry-him-the-case-for-settling-for-mr-good-enough/

[4] https://mummyrei.wordpress.com/2016/03/05/book-review-marry-him-the-case-for-settling-for-mr-good-enough-by-lori-gottlieb/

[5] https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/1d3njlo/why_should_i_disregard_marry_him_the_case_for/

[6] https://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/14/books/review/Finnerty-t.html

[7] https://www.jezebel.com/lori-gottliebs-marry-him-was-always-a-caricature-of-the-1840878562

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