What I Took Away From Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb
I thought this was a worthwhile study on modern female friendships.
Fernanda
10/4/20266 min read
Hi friends! I just finished Modern Friendship by Anna Goldfarb, and I have so many thoughts I can't wait to share with you. I decided to read this book after listening to Anna Goldfarb as a guest on a podcast last month. I thought she had an interesting perspective as a journalist, and she was bringing things to the discourse that I had not yet heard. I'm going to walk you through the parts that stuck with me the most, and I hope you'll walk away with a few things to try this week.
Our social circles used to be small, and that changes everything
Goldfarb walks through how our social worlds have changed over time. Long ago, our circles were built around family and the people we lived near. Then they became more of an overlap, with more choice in who we befriended. Today, she describes our social lives as spokes on a bicycle wheel, with each of us at the center and friends radiating out from different phases of life.
I love this picture because it explains something so many of us feel. Thanks to social media, texting, and video calls, we can keep people in our lives that we never could have before, like a friend from another country or a college roommate who moved across the world. That is a gift. It also means our friends are scattered across different chapters, so we can have a lot of connection and still feel lonely in the place where we live right now. I still keep up with a few friends from Chicago, Kansas, and Brazil, for example. Those are dear friends, and I'm happy I can still connect with them.
Goldfarb says most of us fall into one of three friendship network styles, drawing on research by sociologist Janice McCabe. I love that she gave them such cute names.
The ball of yarn (tight-knitters). Your friends belong to one close, interwoven community where practically everyone knows each other. You can host a party and invite everybody at once. This style can give you a strong sense of belonging and a built-in "home," though a group that tight can also be hard to step out of or to add new people into.
The bowtie (compartmentalizers). You have two or more separate clusters of friends, and you're the knot in the middle connecting them. Maybe you have your hometown crew and your work friends, and they rarely cross paths. You get to lean on different groups for different needs, though it takes energy to keep up with separate social worlds.
The daisy (samplers). You're the center of the flower, and each friend is a petal. You have individual one-on-one friendships that don't overlap, like a neighbor, a former coworker, and an old roommate who've never met. These friendships can be wonderfully personal. They can also leave you without a ready-made community to lean on when you need one.
If you've ever felt like you have lots of people who love you and still don't know who to call, one of these shapes might explain why. Goldfarb's message is that a scattered network is not a personal failure. Modern life makes it hard for all of us. I feel like I'm in a "daisy" phase these days, but there was a wonderful time in Chicago in which I was in a "Yarn" with my french group. To be honest, I prefer the yarn to the daisy, but I recognize it's hard to build a yarn.
A different way to look at social circles
This next concept is similar to the Dunbar Circles covered in his research but also in the Kat Vellos book. Goldfarb sorts the people in our lives into tiers with fun, watery names, and she makes the point that the tiers are fluid, so people can move between them as life changes.
Bathtub friends are your 1 to 2 closest people, the ones who know the unedited version of you.
Jacuzzi friends are your core support group, about 3 to 5 people.
Swimming pool friends are the 10 to 15 people you lean on and share real parts of your life with.
Bonfire friends are about 50 people from school, jobs, and your wider circles. You're happy to see them and swap stories.
Water park friends are about 150 people, the crowd that would show up for the big moments like weddings and funerals.
I love this because it takes so much pressure off. Not everybody has to be a bathtub friend. A bonfire friend who makes you laugh once or twice a year is a real gift, and you can enjoy them as exactly that. When I'm feeling guilty that I haven't kept in touch with everyone, I think about which pool they're in, and it helps me give myself some grace. It also reminds me to put my best time and energy into my smaller circles, since we all have a limited amount to give.
The eight roles your friends play
This was my favorite part of the book. Goldfarb explains that no single friend can be everything for us, and that healthy friendships tend to be specialized. She describes eight roles that show up naturally in our lives:
Builders motivate us and help us grow.
Champions support us and cheer for us.
Collaborators share our interests and do the things we love with us.
Companions show up for the big moments.
Connectors introduce us to new people and expand our circles.
Energizers lift our spirits and make life more fun.
Mind openers challenge us to see things differently.
Navigators offer guidance and advice.
When I read this list, I could picture the people in my own life for almost everyone. For example, my friend Danielle is a Champion, and Lisa is a mind opener. It also helped me see why losing a friendship hurts so much. We are missing the person and also the role they played. And when one friend is great at career advice but not so great at emotional support, or brings so much fun but forgets birthdays, we can appreciate what they do give us without wishing they were someone else.
How to propose a friend plan
If you've ever said "we should get together soon!" and then watched it fizzle out, this part is for you. Goldfarb teaches that vague suggestions like "let's grab drinks sometime" rarely lead anywhere. Instead, invite a friend to do something that is specific, fun, and thoughtful. Her example is inviting someone to a cafe to work on your writing side by side, which gives the friendship a clear purpose and something to do together. She ties this to an idea from C.S. Lewis about friends needing an "about," which is a shared interest that gives the connection a foundation.
Specific means offering an actual plan so your friend doesn't have to do the work. Fun means choosing something you'll both enjoy. Thoughtful means picking it with that friend in mind so they feel seen. I've caught myself leaving plans vague because I didn't want to be pushy. This helped me see that a clear, warm invitation is a kindness.
Desire, diligence, and delight
Goldfarb says strong friendships rest on three things:
Desire is wanting to spend time together.
Diligence is the practical effort, like remembering important dates and showing up.
Delight is the joy and mutual support that makes a friendship feel good.
When a friendship feels off, I like to ask which of the three is running low.
One more thing that touched me was her advice on comforting a friend who is hurting. Our instinct is often to fix the problem, but most of the time our friends want to feel heard. A simple "that does sound hard" can mean more than any advice.
My honest take
If you've read a lot about friendship, some of this might feel familiar. For me, that was a good thing, since we all need reminders to live what we already know. The book is warm, practical, and easy to read, and it left me feeling hopeful. I'd recommend it to anyone who is feeling stuck, lonely, or unsure about where they stand with the people they care about.
Let's practice together
Reading is a great start, and practicing is where the magic happens. If you're in Charlotte, come meet us at one of our Friend-Matching events.
And I'd love to hear from you: who is one friend you want to send a specific, fun, thoughtful invitation to this week?
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