You Can't Pour From an Empty Cup: How Self-Care Strengthens Relationships

Fernanda: Welcome back to the connectedness podcast where we explore what helps us build deeper connections with ourselves, our families, our communities, and the people who matter most. Today we're talking about something that often gets overlooked in conversations about relationships, which is self-care. Most of us spend our days pouring into everyone else. We care for our families, support our friends, meet deadlines, solve problems, and keep all the plates spinning.

But what happens when our own cup runs dry? Our guest today believes that self-care isn't just about bubble baths or indulgence. It's about self-preservation. It's about creating the capacity to show up fully in our lives and relationships. Joining us is Rita, founder of Simple Self-Care. With nearly four decades of experience in both western and eastern health care, Rita combines professional expertise with personal experience navigating overwhelming stress, burnout, and life challenges. Through humor, honesty, and practical wisdom, she helps people move from feeling overwhelmed and stuck towards feeling more like themselves again. Rita, welcome to the connectedness podcast.

Rita: Thank you, Fernanda. Thank you so much. It's awesome to be here. I'm excited.

Fernanda: Yeah, I'm excited to have you. You share very openly about your experiences with overwhelm, exhaustion, and feeling like life was caving in around you. Can you tell us a bit about your story and what ultimately led you to create simple self-care?

Rita: Okay, it's a long story, but we'll start at 17 years ago. My husband and I adopted two beautiful little girls. They were toddlers. I was 45 and a half when I became a mom of these two beautiful daughters. And let's just say it was really, really stressful for all of us. You know, we had two dogs that had to get used to the girls, my husband and I are different parenting styles, and then an almost two and four-year-old. They're already little people and they came with issues, they came with baggage from not a great past.

So six months into the journey, I was completely overwhelmed and I found myself sitting outside in our backyard sobbing uncontrollably. I was having suicidal thoughts, I was exhausted. And with the suicidal thoughts, I would just think, "Wouldn't it be easier if I just wasn't here? I'm so tired." I thought I was the worst mom in the world. I thought I was the worst parent in the world. I thought I was the worst person on our street. Everything was just sort of caving in and I couldn't stop crying.

And so that day, well, I called my husband and he came home right away and I went to the doctor. My doctor, Dr. Gregory Widner, I think he was surprised how long it took me to actually come and see him because he knew about the upcoming adoption and he knew what a big change that would be. So he did give me a prescription for anti-depressants, and I am pro-anti-depressants. I think in the right cases they really work as a bridge, and I really wish we could get rid of that stigma.

But it wasn't the prescription that made the big change for me. It was when he asked me this question: "Rita, what changes are you going to make?" And I was like, "What? What changes am I going to make?" He gave me the prescription, it's the happy pill, it's all going to go away, right? But then I really thought about it. You can't keep going the way you're going. What is Albert Einstein's expression? If you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results, that's a definition of crazy, right?

So I started thinking and, believe it or not, the first thing I started doing was stretching while brushing my teeth. The backstory on that is I had surgery in my mid-20s for a lower back issue, so I have chronic back pain. Believe it or not, just stretching twice a day for two minutes while I was brushing my teeth, stretching out my hip flexors, allowed my lower back to feel better. And so, if you're not in pain, what happens? You're happier, you're more fun to be around. So that was sort of the first step of the concept simple self-care, which was really self-care you slide into your day. You don't have to go anywhere, you don't have to pay any money to anybody, you don't have to change your shoes or your clothes or block out a time in your schedule. You slide it into your day, and I provide those tools.

Fernanda: Well, thanks for that backstory and I love the idea of habit stacking. What do you wish, looking back, someone would have told you during the most difficult season that you were going through?

Rita: You know, I think I felt so alone and I felt like I was the only one. It was like, "What's wrong with me? What am I doing wrong?" Looking back, if I had been reassured that, "Yeah, you're doing great, Rita. This is a lot, right?" We don't have family that lives around us, so it was pretty much my husband and I doing all the childcare and doing everything. So yeah, if someone had just said, "You know what? You aren't alone. Hang in there and let's figure out some stuff that you can do to help bring your stress down."

Fernanda: So like some validation, some understanding, some like, "Hey, you know, this is tough," right? Just because you acknowledge that it's tough in the moment or a real challenge doesn't make it less challenging, but that acknowledgment helps. Like you said, you felt like you were just the worst parent in the world.

Rita: Our next-door neighbor has three children and they were all living at home at the time, and one has special needs. We just bumped into one another on our front lawns and we started talking. I'm like, "Oh, I'm so frustrated. I just feel like..."—and I don't mean this literally, but metaphorically—"...I want to rip my daughter's arm off and hit her with it, right?" And my neighbor was telling me some of her frustrations, and I was just like, "You too? Oh my gosh, you are feeling this frustration too. I'm not alone."

That was a huge step forward, realizing that. And then I'd open up more about my story to other moms and they'd be like, "Oh, yeah. I mean, we've got screaming behind our closed doors, too." That's nothing abnormal. So, it's the opening up and sharing. But to the people you can trust. I think that's really important because not everybody deserves to hear your story and some people don't care.

Fernanda: Right, that's a good point. So, finding the right people that will be offering an understanding here and some validation that you're not alone, I think it's super helpful. But when it comes to taking care of yourself and self-preservation, as you've called it, how does taking care of ourselves impact our ability to connect with others?

Rita: Well, I think when we're exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed, we're not a lot of fun to be around. Like, we don't make good friends. You think about it: when you're tired and your spouse happens to say something, you turn and you snap at them, even though they didn't say anything wrong, right? So it's the irritability.

I really believe by feeling like you're more in control of your life—like if you're in chronic pain, you find ways to ease that pain—when you feel really frustrated, being able to just pause, breathe, and reset, and kind of feel like yourself again, it empowers you. It gives you more confidence and you feel better about yourself, and then that really translates into being a better friend because then you can better listen and you don't want to isolate. A lot of people, when they're stressed—that's one of the things I do—will isolate. I will cancel all my social outings and I will just hang out at home and read a book. So, it's multifaceted, really. There's so much to it.

Fernanda: Yeah, and I totally have seen it in myself. When I'm really stressed out, I'm usually not as connected with my husband, for example, or I don't have as much time. Some of it is time, but some of it is prioritization, too. I won't prioritize connection with my friends or husband or anybody. And even for the kids, for those of us who are parents, being a stressed-out parent usually doesn't do the kids much good either, right?

Rita: No, because you end up snapping at them and then they don't understand that you're not feeling good. It's not them you're mad at or disappointed in or frustrated with; it's really how you're feeling. You're not feeling very good. We have cats and dogs and, you know, sometimes I'll be like, "Get away!" And then I'm like, "Whoa, just a minute. They didn't do anything. Okay, Rita, let's just take a deep breath. Let's pause, reset, breathe, reset." So for yourself, too, it's like, "Oh, wait a minute. That's kind of a red flag. What's going on here?" right?

But yeah, it is hard on the kids. And then the kids misbehave, and if you overreact because you're not feeling good, then they will react even more, and then this becomes this big cycle, and the household ends up really stressful. We went through that for a time where all of us were so stressed out and it wasn't fun being in this house at all. It was nobody's fault, it was just the dynamics and things that happen in life for all of us, whether you have your biological kids, adopted kids, foster kids, grandkids. There are so many dynamics that are happening in the house.

Fernanda: True. So, you mentioned signs a little bit when you were talking about when you were yelling at your cats. For the listeners, are there signs that someone's cup is running empty, even if they themselves don't realize it yet?

Rita: Absolutely. And I actually on my website have a free download of 24 signs and symptoms of stress overload—things that you might not expect. I have a confession to make: I am a science nerd. So all these signs and symptoms, I can tie them back to biological, physiological reasons why they happen. Even things as—and not to get too personal—if you're constipated or you have diarrhea, or a lot of bloating and indigestion, headaches.

Whenever you get stressed, your body automatically tenses the muscles, so you get tension headaches, migraines, back pains, feeling that anxiety because your heart's beating really fast, not being able to sleep, eating too much, not eating enough, sleeping too much, not sleeping enough. There are just so many common things that you're like, "What? Really? That means I'm stressed out?" Yeah, so those are some of the things.

Our bodies are trying to tell us something, and a lot of times we're too busy to really pay attention to our body signs, right? And we just think it's normal, maybe. "Oh, it's another headache, that's only been a headache every day this week." Well, that's not normal. So, looking at head posture, are you on your phone? What's my stress level? Where are my shoulders? Are they up at my ears or are they down where they're supposed to be?

In my workshops, I talk a lot about this and really simplify it, because it has to be easy to understand and easy for you to start being aware of how you're feeling. And then with relationships, when you've got great friendships, if you and I are at coffee and all of a sudden you kind of snap at me or react in an unusual way, instead of me reacting back and saying, "What's wrong with you?" it's like, "Is everything okay? Are you not feeling well?" And so then you create a more sympathetic, empathetic friendship because you're each watching out for the signs and symptoms.

Fernanda: That's true. And so, not to be too cliché with the name of the business and stuff, but in my case, my brand's name is Filled Cups. We often hear the phrase, "You can't pour from an empty cup." What does that statement mean to you?

Rita: That means that I am exhausted. That's the biggest thing, that I'm tired. I've kind of hit my limit of, "Do not tell me one more thing because I cannot deal with one more thing." To me, it's burnout. When your cup is empty, it just means you keep doing stuff for everybody else, and now people are asking even more from you, and you may even shut down. You may even literally not get out of bed—that's a really serious empty cup. But I think the biggest sign would be you know you're tired, you don't want to go, you want to isolate, you've lost that excitement for something you love to do.

Fernanda: If somebody is listening, what if they feel guilty about prioritizing their own self-care? That's a really big one for women predominantly.

Rita: Yeah, because we were raised to be the caregivers, we're the moms. It's really about creating positive affirmations: "I deserve self-care. I deserve to take care of myself." There is no room for guilt because if you do not take care of yourself, how can you give the best of you to anyone else? Right? If you're running on 50% because I'm not eating proper, I'm not sleeping, and I'm exhausted, how can I give you, my kids, my spouse, my co-workers, my business 100%? You just can't. So, it's really realizing that there is no room for guilt. It's more selfish, I think, if you do not take care of yourself because then you're denying your best to the world.

Fernanda: I love that reframe. The contrast between selfishness or how we think about selfishness versus self-care, you just kind of flipped it completely. Can you share some examples of simple daily practices that help refill our cups without requiring a lot of hours of extra time?

Rita: Okay, I can take you through sort of a typical day. Before I get out of bed, often again because I've had back surgery, I will pull my knees up to my chest and just rock back and forth and stretch my lower back. So what am I doing? I'm releasing some of that tension and getting my back to wake up a little bit before I jump out of bed. I also don't jump out of bed; I roll over onto my side and push myself up, sit on the edge for a few seconds, and then get up. That sounds so simple, but you're reducing the strain on your neck and your lower back.

Then, stretching while you brush your teeth. I also have like a flaxseed neck warmer that, when I go get my coffee, I may put it in the microwave to put around my shoulders to help remind my shoulders to down, so that decreases the tension. I may go and journal for a few minutes. I also do journaling classes, and there's a lot of misconceptions about journaling—"Oh, I have to do it every day and I have to do it for half an hour." No, you don't. If I have something on my mind, I can't figure it out, or something happened, or I'm mad at my husband, I'll just write it down and usually I get the answer as I'm writing it down. I feel better because it's out of my brain.

Going for a walk—I take walks several days a week, I also go to the gym, but sometimes I don't have time for that 30-minute walk. Well, then I'll go for a five-minute walk or a 10-minute walk. It's the act of moving, you're getting your blood circulating, it's good therapy. It's all these little simple things.

I actually have three categories. "In the moment" is really the taking a few deep breaths, wiggling your toes while you're deep breathing, and enjoying that first sip of coffee, closing your eyes and savoring the flavor—just taking that moment instead of gulping it down. Then the second category is "movement," which is as easy as just stretching. In my workshops, I have people stand up and stretch. And the third one is "mind unfulfing," like journaling.

In the morning I come up to my office and it's like, "Oh, I have to do this, this, this, and this," and I'm like, "Where do I start?" So I'll just take a moment and I'll write: "Okay, these are the things I'd like to get done. What is the most important thing? Let me start there." It's about finding that calm spot where you can think clearly and decide what your next step is. That's what it's all about.

Fernanda: Yeah, if we take a second to talk about journaling, I also am a fan of journaling. And I've known some folks who have told me, "Oh, I can't do journaling. I don't have enough time," or "What am I going to write about? Am I just going to write about my whole situation, my whole life? It's too much." Or some people say, "Oh, I just go stream of consciousness and it's all over the place."

Personally, something I found that helps me is prompted journaling, and something simple, not too long. I think I might have shared this with my listeners before, but whenever I'm feeling some kind of way and I need to get it out of my head, I have a four-question journal prompt that I answer every time: What am I grateful for? What am I proud of? What could I have done differently? And how am I feeling? And then that's it. Once I answer those four questions, I'm done journaling. That's all.

Rita: No, those are great questions, that is awesome.

Fernanda: Yeah, and I've been doing these journal prompts just like that for almost 10 years now, but not every day at all. Sometimes I'll go two months without doing them, or I try to do it once a month at least, or more often if I'm going through a stressful period. But usually, if it's just normal life, it's on average about once a month.

Rita: Yeah, and I think the biggest thing too is we make—I think society and social media makes—self-care so complicated, like it has to be about going to the gym. That's what I call traditional self-care, and I like to do that, it's very important for me because really it's my therapy and it keeps me strong, but it doesn't need to be complicated.

We've just had our deck torn down, now we have a patio, and my husband and I both have hammocks. So in the evening, I'll take my Kindle and read a book, and just simply sitting in the backyard, we're not saying anything, reading or coloring even. You can get so many different adult coloring books with dragonflies and flowers and intricate scenes. It's those moments that help our nervous system. If we're stressed, it helps our nervous system relax and come down. Yeah, it's probably going to go back up again, but at least you have those dips during the day where you're giving your body a break, because stress takes its toll. Stress overload has its fingerprints on just about every modern-day illness and disease.

Fernanda: Right, yeah. Whenever you go to the doctor about any kind of health issue, a lot of times it's somehow tied to stress levels, right? You talk sometimes about the importance of community and support. Why is connectedness such an important part of healing and resilience?

Rita: I think the biggest thing is you don't feel alone, and that maybe if you don't have the solutions, your peers or your community might say, "Well, when I went through this or that, I tried this. Why don't you try that?" There are suggestions, and it's just the sharing and the love, it's just feeling supported. We're not meant to be lone wolves; it takes a village, right? It takes a community, but it has to be the right kind of community. But you'll attract your community.

Something I wanted to mention way back: when I first became a mom and I was talking to someone and I was like, "Oh my gosh, I'm so tired and so stressed," her response was, "Well, isn't that what you wanted?" She was not one of my people at that time. It was like, "That's not very helpful, right?" And it shut me right down. It's like, "Okay, well, I guess I can't share with you." Granted, she was in her early 20s then, but still, it was hurtful at the time, right? And so again, that's why I say finding the right people that deserve to hear your story and that care—that care and that are, at least if they say something, it's going to be something that is well-intentioned, not like, "Well, you asked for this, so just shut up." That doesn't help me work through this.

So yeah, I just remember that. To me, community is key. I'm getting ready in October to start another series of workshops and, again, they're every week for six weeks. The reason is then you've got the same people; you may not know any of the people in the room, but I tell you, by the second or third workshop, you're sharing stuff, maybe you're making some new friends, and you feel supported.

Fernanda: Oh, that's wonderful! One of my buttons here is when you get involved in something that's regular, where you come back and see the same people, that's one of the magic ways of creating connection and creating friendships and deeper relationships. So, I love that you're creating that opportunity for people.

Rita: Yeah, absolutely. I've taught this series—and it's different workshops every time—at CareFirst, which is the wellness center. They provide Medicaid, one of the top five providers in Medicaid in North Carolina, and I am a contracted self-care facilitator, so I teach workshops there regularly.

I've just seen really wonderful things happen with the group of people from the beginning to the end. We do a stress assessment at the beginning, and it really is great to see the light bulbs go off and the self-care tips and tricks that the participants are picking up and actually doing. So that's what it's all about. We just need to find our joy. We're only here for a limited amount of time and, yeah, definitely gratitude and joy.

Fernanda: I love it, I love it. If someone is listening to this and they're feeling really stressed out, how do we know when it's time to reach out for help instead of trying to handle everything ourselves?

Rita: I think if you have more bad days than good days in a week. More bad days where you're feeling down. Because we all have bad days once in a while, right? Our self-confidence may be low, or we're tired, but when the not-so-good days outnumber the good days, then it really is seriously time to seek professional help, whether it's to speak to your health care practitioner, your doctor, or seek out a therapist. Start with talking to a friend. It's okay not to be okay. We're not perfect.

This is what I don't like about social media, because it makes it seem like I need to have a 24-inch waist, and I need to have this, and I need to look like I'm 25, and look at my house, it's so tidy. No, let's be real and let's be ourselves, right?

Fernanda: Yeah, social media unfortunately for the most part has more fake than real in it, right? Like it's too bad. And I think as grown-ups, probably as older adults, we can recognize that hopefully, but our kids, like my 19-year-old, don't know the difference. And so, yeah, it can be difficult.

Rita: It can be hard, but finding little simple things helps. Even if you have to stop 10 times in a day just to pause and take a couple of deep breaths and then move on, it's okay. That's how you cope, that's how you get through things.

Fernanda: There's something to be said for self-evaluating too, like looking after you spend a day. If the day was stressful, try to understand what was driving that stress, what parts were more stressful, seeing if we can come up with better coping mechanisms for those parts. Because there's always going to be stress, right? Like you said, life is not perfect, things happen. You've talked about difficult moments in your life with aging parents and things of that nature; we're not going to be able to safeguard ourselves against stress all the time, but it's more about recognizing how we respond to stressful situations and seeing if we can maybe proactively do things that can help us navigate it a little bit better too, right?

Rita: No, exactly. In my workshops, I don't teach people not to stress; I teach them how to deal with it when there is stress, right? There are so many things that we cannot control, and we have to learn how to step back and not worry. Whether we worry a lot or whether we worry a little, that's not going to change the outcome, but what we're doing when we worry a lot is we're really affecting our health: heart disease, diabetes, gastrointestinal issues. It impedes our immune system, so cancer and autoimmune diseases—all these things have been linked to stress overload.

Watching the news, I mean, there are so many horrible things going on in the news. Watching the news too much, you may find, is really increasing your anxiety. I've even stopped—like, I'd watch a little bit of news in the morning and in the evening, and some days I'm not even turning it on because I don't need to hear about it. I can't do anything about it. I'm going to go for my walk or read my book. So it's challenging, it really is, and I really believe you can't do it alone. You need others.

Fernanda: I agree, completely agree. So, Rita, as we're getting to the end of the episode, are there things you would like the listeners to know more about, and where can they find you? Tell them more about those workshops if you want.

Rita: So, my website is simpleselfcare.net. My email is [email protected]. Email me if you have any questions. I also have a free text club. What that means is every Tuesday morning a text comes out, and you get a little self-care mission for the week. There are about a hundred people on it right now.

Fernanda: I think I want to sign up for this, this sounds great.

Rita: Yeah, I'll send you the link. You can stop anytime, right? It's just this little thing that comes out Tuesday morning just to remind you. It's not a group chat, it's not like everybody gets everybody else's phone number if there's any texts back and forth; it's between you and me. And it's great, men too. I've got several men that are part of that text club as well and love to read them. So I'll have to send you the link.

Fernanda: That sounds fun. I'm not a big fan of group chats because they're very noisy, but now that you said this is not a group chat, it makes it even more attractive to me.

Rita: Yeah, if you respond to the text, I'm the only one that will see your response, so it's really cool. I really like it, I've been doing it for about seven—oh my gosh, seven years.

Fernanda: Wonderful! Where' the time go?

Rita: I know, where does the time go? It's crazy. And we're already in June. We're almost halfway into the year.

Fernanda: What a powerful conversation. One of the biggest takeaways for me is that connectedness isn't just about reaching outward; it's also about paying attention inward. And when we're depleted, stressed, and operating on empty, it's difficult to be fully present for the people that we love. But when we make space to take care of ourselves, we're not really taking away from others; we're creating the capacity to give our best to them.

A filled cup doesn't just benefit us; it benefits our marriage, our friendships, our marriages, our workplaces, and communities. Thank you so much, Rita, for sharing your story and for reminding us that self-care is not self-indulgence, it's self-preservation. And thank you to our listeners for joining us on the connectedness podcast. If today's episode encouraged you, share it with someone whose cup may need refilling right now. Until next time, stay connected to yourself and to those around you. Make sure to like and subscribe.