Who Were You Before Motherhood? Reclaiming Your Identity with Mare | Connectedness Podcast

Fernanda: Hello friends, welcome back to Connectedness. I'm Fernanda.

This is a show where we talk about the relationships that shape us, the friendships that hold us up, and the moments we have to find our way back to ourselves. Today's conversation is one I've been looking forward to.

My guest is Mare, the founder of Oshanah, a personal development practice built on neuroplasticity and rooted in her own story. At 12 years old, Mare sustained a traumatic brain injury that erased her memory. Instead of that being the end of something, it became the beginning of a life she built on purpose, piece by piece.

I actually got to experience one of Mare's workshops firsthand. In that workshop, she walked us through identifying who we really are underneath all the roles that we play. It stuck with me, and it's part of why I wanted to bring her here.

Today we're talking about something many women go through quietly: motherhood and what happens to our sense of self while raising kids. We explore what it means to lose pieces of your identity in the process of loving someone else so completely, and what it looks like to find your way back, especially when the kids grow up and the house gets quiet.

If you're a mom heading toward an empty nest, or if you've ever looked in the mirror and wondered where you went, this episode is for you. Let's get into it.

Mare, before we get into the topic, I would love for the listeners to hear a little bit about your story in your own words. Can you take us back to who you were around the time of your injury, and what that experience taught you about identity?

Mare: Well, it was a long time ago. I don't really know who I was at that time because, like you said, at 12 I was with friends and had an accident.

We don't remember how we are born, but I do, because for me, I was born at 12. I opened my eyes in the hospital, and I could not remember anything else. I had to relearn everything: who my friends were and who my family was.

My brain did not erase academics, so I didn't need to learn how to speak or walk, but the memory that I had built until then was completely gone. Going back to school at 12, I assumed the people who visited me in the hospital were my friends based on the way they spoke to me. I had to become hyper-aware, paying attention to how people talked and grasping at every clue they gave me.

I reconnected with childhood friends I had known since I was two or three years old, but I realized that I did not connect with any of them anymore. It was very hard. I was surrounded by people who had known me for so long, yet I felt completely alone.

I also started observing all the social interactions and realized that the way they unfolded made me uncomfortable. There were behaviors I didn't agree with and didn't like.

I began to panic and experienced an identity crisis. I started wondering, Is this the person I used to be? Is this how I treated everybody? I didn't like it, so I retreated for a while. I was physically present in the room, but I couldn't trust anybody, and I became very lost. That's how it started.

Fernanda: You mentioned on your website that who we are is something we can consciously construct. How did that idea start showing up in your work with others beyond your own healing?

Mare: It came from that feeling of being lost. Later on, I heard Nelson Mandela say that he didn't want to become somebody else, which sparked the thought: Oh, we can choose who we become.

Everything clicked. I realized, I don't have to be anything other than who I want to be right now. Because of my brain injury, I felt this strange freedom to reinvent myself.

Then I learned about neuroplasticity—how the brain processes thoughts, feelings, and experiences. That is what I teach people: we are not fixed entities. Many people say, "Well, this is just how I am," like a leopard that can't change its spots. But the brain can change. We evolve.

That's the core of my work with clients. The brain is ever-evolving—it's like Play-Doh that we can shape however we want. It's incredibly freeing to realize you can choose who you are rather than feeling trapped in any given situation.

Fernanda: I love that concept. What are some effective techniques you use to help people change how they think and reshape their minds?

Mare: It's a continuous cycle: we are what we think. We have to introduce thoughts into our brains that allow us to see things from different perspectives.

We have to consciously choose to say, "I'm going to look at this from a new angle," or ask, "This seems bad right now, but what if it isn't?" The more we repeat and reinforce those ideas, the more the brain adopts them. Some people achieve this through meditation, while others do it through repetitive action.

Even if it doesn't feel natural or easy at first, if you consistently choose a new action over an old reaction, that action becomes your new normal. Our repeated actions and patterns become our behavior.

I always tell my clients to choose who they want to be and consider how that person would act. Then, build a mental script for common situations so you can act rather than merely react.

The brain usually reaches for whatever is closest—like books on a shelf containing our habitual thoughts, actions, and reactions. When faced with a situation, the brain instinctively grabs whatever is within immediate reach. If we stock those shelves with new perspectives and intentional actions, the brain will reach for those instead, transforming our behaviors over time.

Fernanda: The bookshelf metaphor makes so much sense. It reminds me of how I view languages: I speak five languages, and whichever one I've used most recently is the one that comes to mind first.

Mare, when we spoke earlier, you mentioned your passion for helping women navigating life transitions—specifically mothers entering the empty nest phase who are rediscovering their identity after years of defining themselves primarily as moms. Can you share more about why that loss of identity happens in the first place?

Mare: It's very common. Women are often conditioned to care for others, shaping their lives around external needs. When we become mothers, the natural instinct is to set ourselves aside to prioritize our families.

In doing so, we slowly forget parts of who we were. While it's natural to evolve, women often pack pieces of themselves away in a closet. They pause hobbies, sacrifice alone time, or spend their quiet moments mentally cataloging what their children or household need next. Other people become the sole priority.

When children eventually leave home, the structure that anchored their daily lives and personality suddenly disappears, leaving behind a profound sense of emptiness. Daily routines—school pickups, extracurriculars, preparing meals—are suddenly gone.

We aren't naturally comfortable with change. Once we settle into an established routine, our brains run on autopilot. When those responsibilities vanish, the brain's familiar "shelves" are suddenly empty, with nothing left to grab onto. That is when people experience what is often labeled a midlife crisis, but it's really just a major life transition where they need to figure out what comes next.

Fernanda: In the women's group that Lisa and I host every month, we meet so many women in that exact phase saying, "My kids are gone, I have no friends, and I don't know who I am anymore."

Do you find that women can embrace this identity shift earlier while raising younger children, or does the realization usually happen only after the kids are grown?

Mare: It usually happens later, though every woman's journey is unique. Traditionally, societal expectations dictated that upon marriage and motherhood, those roles became your entire definition.

While that dynamic is shifting, I always encourage mothers of younger children to carve out time for themselves. Be that example for your kids so they don't grow up believing they must erase their own needs for others.

Maintaining independent friendships and personal time apart from family life is essential right from the beginning.

Fernanda: How do you help a woman begin reconnecting with herself after 20 years of prioritizing everyone else's needs?

Mare: We go through several exercises. First, we examine past experiences to spotlight existing strengths. Reflecting on past challenges we've overcome reminds us of our resilience, giving us confidence to navigate the present: "I've overcome difficult things before, so I will figure this out."

Next, we look to the future and define the person they want to become. In my workshops, I guide clients through an exercise called "Design Your Ideal Me." You select three adjectives you want people to use when describing you when you aren't in the room—words spoken positively behind your back.

Those adjectives serve as a roadmap for future decisions. From there, we focus on finding purpose, because no one can be truly fulfilled without a sense of purpose.

The core process involves knowing your strengths, designing your ideal self, and aligning your daily decisions with your chosen purpose.

Fernanda: I really enjoyed that exercise in the workshop I attended a few months ago. You gave clear instructions to choose adjectives that had nothing to do with being a wife or a mother.

Many women in the room struggled with that initially because those titles were their primary identity. Walking out of that room with an identity separate from those roles was powerful.

If a woman listening right now is grieving a version of herself she can barely remember, what would you want her to know?

Mare: First, I want her to know that our lives can always change. We are never permanently stuck in any circumstance; we are constantly evolving.

Feeling trapped often stems from the mindset that you have no control. Yet, in every situation, there are choices to make—even if the available options seem limited or imperfect.

You are never truly stuck. There is always a way forward, even if moving forward initially feels unfamiliar or uncomfortable.

Fernanda: At this point in our recording, we experienced a technical issue and lost Mare's audio, but she left us with an important reminder: the moment we start moving is the moment we start finding solutions. Nobody is permanently stuck.

Mare is based in Waxaw, North Carolina, just outside Charlotte. She leads in-person workshops and is cultivating a community for women to connect, build friendships, and navigate these transitions together. You can learn more about her practice, find her Facebook group, and connect with her through her website at oshanah.com.

She also explained that the name Oshanah is a blend of Ohana, meaning family, and Oshun, the goddess of sweet waters, love, and fertility.

Mare, thank you so much for this conversation. I know so many listeners will see themselves in what you shared today and feel far less alone.

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with a friend who might need to hear it. Motherhood changes us deeply, and taking the time to find your way back to yourself is not selfish—it is necessary.

You can find Mare at oshanah.com, and all of her details will be linked in the show notes. Please remember to rate, like, and subscribe to help others find the show. Thank you for listening to Connectedness, and we'll see you next time!