What do Singles want (Dating testimonials)

Fernanda: Hey everybody, welcome to a special edition of the Connectedness podcast. This is kind of an impromptu one, so bear with me as it won't be scripted and I don't have much of an outline prepared, but I just felt like I wanted to share this.

I'll start with a little background. On Friday evening, I volunteered to co-host a meetup with a colleague of mine who has been a great supporter of Filled Cups. He asked for a co-host for a dinner meetup, and the topic was "What do men and women want in the context of dating?"

It was definitely catered to singles, held at a Middle Eastern restaurant here in Charlotte. I figured, What's the worst that can happen? I'll have some good food, meet new people, and explore a topic I'm genuinely interested in.

As you know, I started Filled Cups in the summer of 2024, so it's been about a year and a half. My original vision and continuing intention is to help people feel less lonely and isolated, and to support them in finding meaningful friendships or romantic relationships. I do this earnestly—Filled Cups doesn't make much money, so I truly went to this event with good intentions, an open mind, and genuine curiosity.

I brought my notebook with me, and while we were waiting for food, I told the group, "Hey, I'm here because this is a topic I'm passionate about, so I'm going to take some notes while you talk." It was a casual, unstructured discussion where some people were outspoken and others barely spoke at all.

One of the first to speak was a single woman in her mid-to-late thirties who felt burnt out with the dating scene. In her view, the dating world is full of delusion, with people expecting far more from others than they can give themselves.

She felt it has become extremely body-centric, where everyone makes snap decisions based purely on physical appearance and struggles to connect beyond surface-level traits. She also pointed out that social media makes it worse by creating an illusion of perfection, leaving everyone trying to date out of their league.

She added that dating apps create a false illusion of infinite options. Being very self-aware, she admitted that whenever someone interesting came along, she often lost focus because two or three other people were messaging her at the same time.

The group had a wide age range—people in their twenties, thirties, forties, and up into their sixties or seventies. Someone in the older group noted that back in the day, you would meet people at a club and take the time to get to know them slowly, whereas now people are treated as disposable on the apps.

That sparked a conversation about how we live in a "throwaway society" where people leave at the first sign of early conflict rather than working through it. She compared dating apps to shopping on Amazon: you just keep scrolling and scrolling, constantly looking for more options.

She also mentioned the games people play on social media, like soft-stalking a date's profile to monitor when they're online or whether they liked a story. Furthermore, she felt people don't feel the same pressure to settle down anymore, especially since many women are choosing not to have children and aren't feeling bound by a biological clock.

Everyone at the table—men and women, younger and older alike—unanimously agreed that dating apps are terrible for mental health. The men quickly chimed in to emphasize that it harms their mental health just as much as women's.

When the topic of ghosting came up, one man shared an interesting reframe. Whenever someone ghosts him, he chooses to assume she simply got busy or had something major come up in life. He refuses to take it personally or give away his power, which I thought was a constructive way to depower the sting of ghosting.

Noticing the shared frustration in the room, I asked, "What do you really want in a partner?"

One man said he simply wants someone with shared interests. An older woman shared that she desperately wants consistency; in her recent experiences, dates would love-bomb her with attention one day and flake or treat her poorly the next. She just wants someone who honors their word, shows up, and treats her with steady respect.

Another man around forty said he just wants simple, good company and mutual respect.

The younger woman then asked the older members of the table, "Does rejection get easier with age?"

One older, outspoken gentleman surprised me by saying, "No, it doesn't get easier with age—people don't automatically get kinder or wiser as they get older. The longer you live, the more baggage you carry, which is why people bring so many past wounds into new situations."

The conversation then drifted into modern dynamics like ethical non-monogamy and open relationships, with people sharing bizarre app encounters. Someone joked that the best place to meet people now is the supermarket, especially since some grocery stores have built-in bars, prompting my co-host to suggest hosting our next singles event at a grocery store bar.

A great piece of practical advice that came up was training yourself to start conversations with strangers everywhere, whether you find them attractive or not. Exercising that conversational muscle removes the pressure and opens you up to discovering wonderful people you might otherwise ignore.

When asked if they look for traits similar to their former partners, everyone who was divorced laughed and said absolutely not. However, a widower at the table warmly shared that he does look for traits reminiscent of his late wife, whom he loved deeply.

The older man also talked about how your sense of identity shifts over time. When he was younger, he would compromise who he was to earn someone's love, but now that he is older, he knows exactly who he is—even if having a strong, outspoken personality repels some people.

Everyone agreed that handling rejection does get somewhat easier when you detach your self-worth from it. That same man shared his sales-inspired philosophy: when faced with rejection, his only word is "Next!"

Similarly, the forty-year-old man said he focuses on feeling proud that he took the initiative. If he asks someone out and they say no or act rudely, that is on them, not him.

The younger woman also asked how people manage dating fatigue, especially the exhausting emotional roller coaster of high hopes followed by deep disappointment.

Dating is deeply personal and vulnerable, so when an interaction falls apart, the emotional drop is real. While building core self-love helps buffer those swings, it is certainly easier said than done.

A funny woman at the other end of the table offered great perspective: "Don't take it so seriously—have fun with it, keep a light heart, and at worst, you walk away with a hilarious story." She then had the whole table laughing as she described a disastrous date with a guy who gave her a bizarrely aggressive kiss.

Leaving that dinner, my biggest takeaway was that both men and women are feeling deeply frustrated, and approaching dating with built-up resentment only clouds your mindset. When someone enters dating consumed by bitterness toward the apps or the opposite sex, it sabotages their chances before they even begin.

Adopting that lighter attitude—refusing to take the process so seriously, focusing on fun, and looking for good stories—keeps you open and magnetic.

Ultimately, the room agreed that relying entirely on apps is not working. If you're serious about finding a partner, what are you going to do differently instead of continuing to lean on a broken system?

For every few people who meet happily on an app, hundreds are walking away empty-handed. That makes me wonder: Is success on dating apps pure luck, or are those couples doing something fundamentally different?

That's my new personal challenge: I'm going to interview couples who successfully met online, figure out what went right for them, and bring those insights back to you in an upcoming series.

Thank you so much for listening, and I hope you have a wonderful Sunday!