The Woman In The Mirror Doesn't Match Who You've Become (Here's Why)

Fernanda: Hi friends, welcome back to connectedness. I'm Fernanda and this is your space where we talk about the relationships that shape us, the friendships that hold us up, and the personal growth that helps us show up more fully in every part of our lives. Today's conversation is one I've been looking forward to sharing with you. My guest is Donna Hundley, the founder of the designed presence. For more than 25 years, Donna has helped organizations align who they are with how they operate. But somewhere along the way, she noticed something that so many accomplished women were carrying the same kind of misalignment personally.

They had built careers, raised families, taken care of everyone around them. And somewhere in all of that becoming, they woke up one day and realized the woman in the mirror didn't quite match the woman that they had actually become. Donna also founded Curvy Chicks Chariot, one of the nation's first mobile fashion boutiques for plus-size women. And what she witnessed inside those dressing rooms changed the entire direction of her work. She watched women walk in, unsure and critical of themselves and walk out with their shoulders straighter and their confidence restored. She realized that style was never really about the clothes. It was about the identity, permission, and finally letting yourself take up space.

And I wanted to bring Donna in because this conversation sits right at the heart of what we talk about here. Connection with other people starts with connection to ourselves. And so much of personal growth is about closing that gap between who we've become and how we let ourselves be seen. So, uh, let's get into it. And here's my conversation with Donna. Donna, I'd love to start with your journey. What was happening in your life when you first noticed that gap between who you were becoming and how you were showing up in the world?

Donna: Yeah, that was a good question. Pull that band-aid off. Yes, okay. So, listen. I started the design presence. It's actually after I already started another one. So, I'm a founder of People Pulse Ventures, which is a HR consulting firm, where I help companies with their transformation and change management. And that's what I do, right? That's what my profession has been. When I got laid off in 2024, I was like, this is the path I got to go. But, you know, you have that path and you're just like, am I happy? And so I, you know, I was just moving with the flow and I'm doing what I can, but the business was a lot harder to build than I thought it would be. I don't know what I was thinking. Like everybody's just going to come flocking to me or something.

And I woke up and I was just a mess. I was like crying. I was like, I just don't understand how I'm 52 and I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. And I started having all these questions about, you know, am I smart enough? Maybe I don't know what I do. Maybe I need to go get another certification. Do I have the money for that? Like, it was just all this stuff. And I sat there and I was like, I know I'm not the only one who's feeling like this, you know? And yeah, I always dress because I love to dress. And when I walk in rooms, people will be like, "Oh, the sunshine." And that kind of weighed on me because because I'm always smiling and I'm always dressed really fun. People always look to me to come to, but I was completely broken on the inside. And I just felt like I was like, how do I where can I have a safe place to have the conversations or how do I make sure that what I'm feeling on the inside and the outside are matching?

There's a misalignment there, right? And so all these things were going through my head and I said, I need to start a business. Fashion is what I love. When I had the boutique, I was happy. When people ask me about the boutique, I just like when they ask me about HR. So I was like, okay, I need to figure this out. So I did. I I played with some names, played with some ideas and decided to come up with the designed presence because I was able to incorporate that change and transformation that I do for companies and I can still do that for women. I'm over 40 so I felt like we are the population that the things we hear are normally complaints about aches, pains, menopause, perimenopause, hot flashes, you know, all these things. But do you have to associate and make that who you are? You have all these responsibilities, you have all these hats you're wearing and you tend to get lost in it.

And so I said, I want to create that and I wanted to be not customized using a framework, but something that's designed for the women that I'm serving. And that's how I came up with the name, the designed presence, because I know the importance of aligning how you feel with how you show up. And so if I'm feeling one way and I'm looking another way, then when I walk in that room, that presence should show it, right? And so how can I give what I know? I'm passionate about to others. But I had to make sure I worked on myself first because otherwise I feel like a fraud. So I've been working, you know, on my internal side and I kind of walked myself through what I'm servicing to other women to see, does this fit? Does this feel good? Do I feel like I've hit the mark? And so far, it's been really, really good.

Fernanda: Good. And this, you know, based on your about page from your website, it's somewhat related to your earlier business of Curvy Chicks Chariot, right? Like what you saw in terms of the women's transformations? And I'm curious what made you want to build that mobile boutique for plus-size women in the first place?

Donna: So, I was a plus-sized chick. I still am, just not as plus as I was. I always say pretty in the face, thick in the waist. That's how I was, you know. And so, let me tell you, the truth I was here in Charlotte and I have a friend who she worked for Michael Jordan and she said, "Hey, you want to go to this game and you can meet Michael Jordan?" And I was like, "What?" And I was not prepared. And so I went to the mall with my daughter and we were looking around and I mean everything for my size was like cheetah pattern, leopard print, black, bulky, no shape to it. And I looked at her and I was like, I got to start a boutique or something cuz this is ridiculous.

At the time when I had it, it was 2013 and we didn't have Lizo's. We had Jill Scott, but we didn't have the embracing of the curve like they are today. We didn't have half shirts, crop tops for plus-size women. Like all that stuff was like what? So, and at that time they were having a movement where they were removing plus-size clothing from stores and putting them online. And so, we didn't even get a chance to try stuff on. So, I felt like this was an opportunity for me to bring clothes to women, but I wanted to do it a different way. And I was trying to think of that. I always have a story behind stuff. Sorry. But I was trying to think of what that was like. And I was listening to the radio one morning and I hear Khan Shoes had a truck that they were selling shoes out of and they were parking outside of strip clubs. I was like what?

And I was like I'm gonna create a fashion truck that's going to be selling clothes out of my truck. They had food trucks. I was in the DC area. So there's a lot of opportunities. And so I started that and I really saw the need for it. I mean I really tried to find vendors who were local small businesses. I was, you know, worked with Etsy and I was close to New York so I could go there. But I was able to bring unique styles that women really wanted and the thing that really stuck with me was the stories that I heard. The women who would come in and, you know, they gained weight because of children or life or medicine or illness and people judge but like oh they just don't exercise and it breaks you up when you I gained 100 pounds in a year. I had my thyroids removed and while I was going through all of that, a total of 100 pounds in a year and that was like hard, you know, and so I understood those stories and they pretty much a lot of them had just given up because they felt so broken.

And when I would find clothes for them, I would say, "Look, I got this cute outfit for your body. You're going to go in that dressing room." Cuz I had a dressing room on the truck and when you come out, your stomach is still going to be there. it's just going to look better in that outfit that I put you in. And they would come out and just be like in tears like, I didn't even know I could look this pretty. And seeing how impactful clothing and how you see yourself in that mirror has on you, it just really has always stuck with me. And now as I'm getting older, we have wrinkles, we have saggy, we have all kind of stuff. I'm like, it's starting all over again. But now we have on top of that hormonal challenges in life where we're s that sandwich generation. We're taking care of our parents and we're trying to help our kids grow. It's just a lot of things going on. So that's how I got curvy chicks and that's why it kind of influenced me to do this.

Fernanda: That such a beautiful story and thank you. And so the ladies who were getting dressed in your truck, they came out and you said that, you know, some of them were crying saying I never thought I could look this pretty. The transformation you said it wasn't just about the clothes, right? It was also about what's on the inside. Can you talk a little bit about that, too?

Donna: Yeah. So that's what I witnessed with Curvy Chicks Charid and that's what's led me to focus on that with the designed presence because I feel like identity is first style is second and when those two align you have your presence right and so I look at it like this when I work with companies. I look at their core values, their core values help determine the culture it helps determine how they attract and retain talent and how they actually grow and expand and scale. Well, I think the same thing about us as people, especially as women, you have your own core values. What is it that you believe at the soul, at your heart of heart and your soul of souls that helps you feel whole when you walk out that room, walk out those doors and walk into those rooms? And I take that as a way to help identify where there might be gaps in your core values that we need to work on through coaching.

And then once we can kind of get that out the way and really get you, you know, solidified with their your internal, then we can align how you look on the outside. So I always give the example of if you're one of your core values is that you want to be? A structured person. You love structure. That's just how I am. I like things to be in order, organized, and so forth. I'm not going to put you in something that's chaotic looking like the colorful earrings and bright and flowy. You probably won't want that, right? But if you're a free spirit and you like things to flow, I'm not going to I'm also not going to put you in this restrictive outfit that's like a suit and you just feel like this is not me. So how you dress often times should reflect how you really want to be seen and how you feel at the core.

Fernanda: Wow, that's amazing. So how do you say, if someone is listening right now and they feel successful on paper, but they're questioning whether her reflection still represents who she truly is today? Where would you tell her to start?

Donna: I would tell her to first start by honoring her evolution, right? As you evolve, things change. So, don't beat yourself up about it. like that is part of evolving. That is the number one thing that you have to say and then I want to be living in my presence. How can I do that by reconnecting with the woman that I've become? Often times they'll start with looking in the mirror immediately thinking seeing all of the flaws and comparing it to what they used to be. right? Or they hear a voice that is always stuck with them.

So for me, my mother had said to me when I was younger. I was, you know, a thick girl, and she said, "You really don't need to wear pants because you're knocked, your legs are thick, and they just don't look good on you. You need to always wear skirts." And so I used to always wear pants. I wear wide leg pants, palazzo pants. I stopped and I only wore dresses and skirts. And sometimes still to this day when I look in the mirror and I'm about to put on some pants, I think about it. And so those you have to identify what whose voice are you hearing when you're looking in that mirror and is that voice really just a burden or is there any truth to it? We need to get to the root of that because that voice should not dictate how you feel and how you show up. So, I think it's really important to really understand and honor that evolution. Figure out whose voice you're hearing so you can get that out the way and really only hear your voice. And then we can really get to the work of how we continue to build the woman that you've become.

Fernanda: Wow, that went deep, Donna. Have you ever had that?

Donna: Oh, yeah. Like I think, you know, I think a lot of women and I'm guessing men also but in different ways but we hear messages a lot of times from our parents or maybe from you know family and friends and then we internalize those as if they were true and then later much much later like in our in our 40s or 50s we start to realize oh wait that wasn't true I don't even know why I believe that like, you know. I can totally relate. So thanks for bringing that bringing up that example. Yeah.

Fernanda: So you talk about style being about permission and not just appearance. Like what do you mean by that and why is permission such a a big part of this work?

Donna: Mhm. Well, if you don't give yourself permission to do anything, you're going to do it in a restrictive manner. You'll do it with hesitancy. You'll do it with like obligation, but not because you really want to do it, right? And when you give yourself that permission to evolve, to to accept who you are in this present state, it's easier to accept all the things that come with it. Right? I sure I, you know, have more gray hair than I want. But first of all, I have a pen. I can color it in if I want. And then sometimes it works to my favor. You know what I'm saying? But I give myself permission to decide which one I want to be. You know, if I want to walk in because sometimes I look younger than I am. And it can have an impact on how I'm received sometimes. So sometimes I need that gray to be popping and then other times I don't. But it all comes with once I give myself permission, then it's easier for me to put my guard down and really get to work, right?

I can really say it's okay that I don't feel 100% in my current state, but I am giving myself permission to number one accept it and number two get ready for that change, whatever that change is. And lots of times, for example, you have a lot of confidence. I'm not trying to build I mean give you confidence because you have it. I just want to build it up more and that might just be making sure that you have that confidence on the inside but is it showing on the outside and what would make it I get to know you. I get to know your style based off of who you are and then we together will put together whatever it is. Whether it's in your closet already or we need to close some gaps of things that are missing or we just need to give you a whole new wardrobe. But whatever it is, it comes and starts with your identity and clarity so that we can make sure that that's that's there. And none of that will happen if you've not given yourself permission to do so.

Fernanda: No, that's awesome. That's beautiful. So, some women spend like decades being everything everyone else needs them to be. What does it actually look like to let the woman you've become finally take up space?

Donna: That's a good question, Fernanda. What does it look like? It looks like whatever we designed for you. See, I use a framework where I'm focusing on your identity, your style, and your presence, but that doesn't mean that I'm also giving you the same thing that I gave someone else. So, what it looks like is determined as we work through that framework. It is not a cookie cutter type of thing. It's a program. It's like the presence clarity. That one is a four-week program. And during that time period, we're working through that. But at the end, you may come out just with something completely that you weren't expecting, but that's your friend could be doing it with you and come out with something totally different. But we went through the same process. So what I want you to to feel like when you're done is I love who I see in the mirror. I no longer have confusion of as to who and what makes me happy because I love myself from the inside and I'm now just showing it from the outside.

Fernanda: Yes. This is so beautiful and powerful because I think a lot women are conditioned to judge ourselves by our looks and because of the male guys and patriarchy and all of that but really in the end it's how do we feel about ourselves that really matters right and being able to love ourselves wholeheartedly and show that on the outside too. It's like a beautiful combination. And it's not going to be the same, right? You, as you grow, you age, you evolve, how you used to be, that's not who you are now. So, if you get so stuck on, and a lot of people, men and women, get stuck on, but I hear men all the time talking about high school. I'm like, you're 60. why are you still talking about your high school days?

But that that was obviously an impactful period in their life. And so what I would do is say, well, let's close our eyes and figure out what was it that was so impactful and how can we bring that same energy to who you are now. So now you're going to be talking about all those types of things that you're doing in today. Just know you can't run like you used to. You can't do all those things that you used to, but let's make today be the way that you are today and be proud and excited and have stories about that. Yes. Let's live for today. And so, and I know you started this relatively recently, but you have the experience from the plus-size boutique also. Either from this experience or from the previous experience, have you seen a moment where one of your clients that that maybe you can remember right now that where you watched her identity shift right in front of you?

Donna: So let me tell you, the place that I see that happen is in the presence room. And so the presence room is an experience. It's a dinner with 10 women who are all over 40, high achieving or focusing on getting to that level. And I allow them to come as they are. That's what makes you feel comfortable. And the main thing I tell them is there's not going to be any pictures. There's not going to be any phones. You're just going to be present. And just saying that alone shifts how you feel like you need to show up, right? Because there's a chance that you go to this event and your picture might be on LinkedIn, Facebook, all the social media channels, you're going to make sure you have your hair done, your you know, everything's going to be whether you felt like getting dressed really nice or not. You have to because you never know what's going to show.

When you take that off the table and you just come comfortable, like if you're just coming straight from work, come straight from work, come straight there and let's have some conversations. And that number one was freeing for some of the women when I spoke to them. The other thing is we really walked through the why you hold onto things. What are some of the things that are keeping you from being able to move forward and why? And those conversations amongst women who most of them don't know each other. So it's strangers who have this commonality. We are women. We are over 40. We are in the present state that we need to feel good about and we have questions that maybe somebody else has an answer to. Watching those conversations happen, watching the hugs at the end, watching people say, "I can help you with this because this person said, "I need help with this." That's where I saw a lot of change. I love it because I watched all 10 women, you know, demonstrate this this impact of the conversations when somebody says I mean I keep having these nice sweats and I don't even know and everybody around the table says I know how good does that feel like I'm not alone in this you know and then the conversations just start.

So, it's not therapy, but it is an opportunity to build a fellowship. And my ultimate goal is to build a community with women who attend so that no matter what experience you're at, you all will end up having that connection to be able to continue to help each other through those areas that people may not talk about. And you're all professional women. So, here we're being raw and open, but these people could also help you get speaking engagements or they might be able to help you with something um in a partnership or a business opportunity that can come later. But I feel like if you don't start with the raw relationships, then it's superficial and the presence room type is this dinner type of event.

Fernanda: What else happens there aside?

Donna: I mean, I can't tell you. It's a secret. I ain't tell you everything, Fernanda. You just gonna have to come.

Fernanda: Okay. I'll definitely come. I just wanted I was curious if it had anything to do with your styling and, you know, how you want to help the ladies style themselves and stuff like that.

Donna: No, no. 100% identity first, style second. And I say that honestly because when we have those conversations, you identify things that you may not have thought about. Especially when you hear somebody else say something, you're like, you're right. Those conversations lead to what's next, right? And so I do want to continue to have conversations. I want them to continue to have conversations. There is a style a small style component to it, but the the overall relationship between the presence women and the women is more about fellowship and getting to know each other than it is about the styling part.

Fernanda: Gotcha. That makes sense.

Donna: Do you want to come to one?

Fernanda: Oh, I want to. It depends on of course the schedule and things, but I want to for sure.

Donna: We're going to get I'm doing them every six to eight weeks.

Fernanda: Nice. Okay, I still have a few more questions about like the what you do and all of that. But if a listener is interested in coming to the presence room, where should she look it up? Is your website or social media? Where should she look it up?

Donna: Yes. So if they're interested, they can go to my social media pages. I have the designed presence on Instagram, the designed presence on Facebook, and I also have the design presence on LinkedIn, or you can go to my LinkedIn page, which is Donna Hundley. And when you go there, you can just send me a message or comment on one of the things that you would like for me to contact you. The other way you can get in touch with me is by simply going to my website thedesignpresence.com and putting in an inquiry on the inquiry page, letting me know that you're interested. So, there's a lot of vehicles and ways that you can reach out to me.

I definitely want to make myself available. They can always call me as well and my information is on my website. So, I want to make it available. The last one when I put it out there, the seats were full in two days. So, this one the waiting list already exceeds the number of seats for the one that's happening in August. But, we'll see who actually shows up, you know, when it comes down to actually making RSVPs. And if not, then the next one will be in October and we'll be keeping it moving.

Fernanda: Awesome. So the designed presence what I know you mentioned that there's fellowship there's sharing of information maybe even some business connections and friendship and what how do like what do you hope that a woman feels after going through the design presence.

Donna: I hope they feel seen that's the number one thing I'm listening, right? I'm working with you. I'm not just throwing things at you that I read in a book and I, you know, I just feel like this will work. I want you to know that I see you. I hear you. And we together are partners in getting you to the point where when you walk away from our program, you feel confident that you have all that you need to continue to move forward. depending on which one if you if somebody gets the designed edit at the end after 30 days I reach back out and say hey how's it going because I don't want you to feel lost on an island and feel like oh she gave me all this stuff and that you know that's my consulting background also you know I I mean consulting is what I've done my entire career there's no way I would put a client you know give them all this stuff and roll out and never speak to them again it is a ongoing relationship that I'm building with my clients Because there's nothing better than having somebody you can call real quick and say to you got five minutes. Can I just can you show me can you tell me if this outfit looks okay?

Fernanda: Okay, thank you. I put it together based off of what you said.

Donna: And I am that person for them and you know and as I build the community, you'll have other people that you can also bounce it off of as well.

Fernanda: That's beautiful. That's awesome. So, Donna, I loved learning about the presence room. Are there other offerings or other ways that you help out women?

Donna: Yeah, thank you. So ERGS within organizations, right, employee resource groups, they often have speakers come and I think that this message is important to get to the women in businesses, especially even those young women who are trying to grow, right? They're trying to get to that next level. They need to understand that yes, you might have the drive, but are you actually showing up the way that you want to be seen in that next level? So, I talked to organizations. I could talk to their women's groups as well as leadership development groups and different affinity groups throughout the community that focus on women entrepreneurs, high achieving women is my target. But I also speak to all women because I truly feel like we are each other's keeper. We have to help each other continue to grow and and prosper.

So if you have an organization and you feel like you need someone to come and speak to you, speak to them about how to dress, how to show up, how to align what it is you're feeling with what it is you're showing up as, who it is you're showing up as, that I am that person for you. Even speakers, a lot of times people have speaking engagements or speakers clubs. Just being able to come in and talk to them to help them say, "If you're speaking about freedom, don't wear a black suit, right? If you're speaking about the the love of living the life and you're wearing something that looks very much like you're sitting behind a desk, that is also, you know, so how can you make sure that there is alignment with what you're saying and how you're looking.

Fernanda: Oh, I like that. That's good. It's I bet some speakers don't even think about what they're wearing.

Donna: A lot of times they don't. And see, I used to do standup comedy. I still do it sometimes. And I would think about what I'm going to wear cuz if I needed to pull a wine bottle out my boobs, I needed to make sure you couldn't see it in my outfit. Like the outfit made it all right. I was just a pretty crazy I'm pretty crazy comedian. I'm a lot of fun. That's one thing I am. You will never be bored working with me.

Fernanda: I know that already. I know that to be true already, Donna. Well, thank you. I love it. Thanks for coming on the podcast. Thank you, Donna. Thank you so much for this conversation. I think so many women listening right now are going to hear themselves in what you shared. Whether it's in the exhaustion of becoming everything to everyone or in that quiet moment of wondering if the reflection in the mirror still tells the truth about who they are. What I'm taking away from this conversation is that alignment isn't something we arrive at once and keep forever. It's something we have to keep coming back to as we grow and change.

And permission, giving ourselves permission to take up space to be seen as as we are right now might be the most important personal growth work any of us ever do. If you want to connect with Donna and learn more about the design presence, I'll have all the information linked in the show notes. And, to everyone listening, thank you for being here. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it with a friend who maybe needs to hear it and leave us a review wherever you're listening. Like and subscribe and as it it genuinely helps the community grow. Until next time, this is connectedness. Take care of yourselves and take care of each other.