The Viral TikTok That Built a Real Friend Group (Evan Oliver's Story)

Fernanda: Hi friends, welcome back to Connectedness. I'm so glad you're here. Today's guest is someone I've been watching on Tik Tok for a while now, and honestly, her story hit me right in the chest. Her name is Evan Oliver and a few years ago she moved to Charlotte in her 30s with her partner, ready for a new chapter. Then almost immediately she lost her job. No local friends, no family nearby, just her in a new city trying to figure out how to build a life from scratch.

If that sounds familiar to you, and it does to me, if you've ever moved somewhere new and felt that particular kind of lonely, the kind where you are surrounded by people, but nobody actually knows you yet, then this episode is for you. Instead of hiding that season of her life, Evan did something brave. She documented it. She called it moving diaries on Tik Tok. And it's so honest and so real. What started with her just being open about a hard time turned into something bigger. She started connecting with other local women, hosting meetups, started a book club, and building an actual community around her.

I wanted to have Evan on because her story is exactly what this podcast is about. Friendship as adults does not just happen to us. We have to go out and build it, sometimes one brave post or one nervous first meetup at a time. So, let me hand it over to Evan. Evan, welcome to the podcast.

Evan Oliver: Thank you for having me.

Fernanda: Thanks for coming. Let's start from the beginning. Take us back to when you first moved to Charlotte and what was going on through your mind those first few weeks.

Evan Oliver: I mean, it was definitely scary. The first week we moved here, and this was just last year. So, this was 2025 when we moved. And the first week, my husband and I had both taken time off work because we wanted to move and get settled into our new home. And so, we went around and we did a bunch of things. We went to all the local restaurants and breweries and did stuff, kind of get to know the area with our daughter.

And then the second week, I went back to work as did he. And by that Friday, I was laid off. And I was so caught off guard. As many people have been laid off a million times, it's nothing new. But I was really stressed because as you said, I just moved to a new city. I didn't know anybody. And when we chose Charlotte, I mean, we truly did not know a soul when we moved here. We knew a couple people that I had worked with previously in Raleigh, but that was it. So, it was really like we're starting over.

And I'm a person who really thrives on community. And the big reason we actually picked Charlotte and sort of like suburbia compared to where we used to be in Los Angeles, was because we wanted to build a community, especially now that we had our little girl who at the time was 10 months old.

So, I had not really used Tik Tok in the past. I'd used it a couple of times, but it wasn't really a platform that I had used. But for some reason, I was like, you know what? I'm just gonna go on Tik Tok and post a little video and say like, "Hey, I just moved here. I don't know anyone. I just got laid off. Does anybody here want to be friends?"

And I'm thinking maybe one or two people would see this video. Again, I'd posted a few times. I hadn't posted in over a year at least. And I didn't have any friends on there or anything. And for whatever reason, Tik Tok did the thing that it does sometimes. And that post ended up going viral for the area. And I got over 700 messages and comments from women in Charlotte who were in a very similar situation. Either they had been new to the area and hadn't really made their friends yet, or they'd been here for a long time, but they felt like they didn't really have that friend group.

And so I started meeting with them one by one. At this point, it's been a little over a year. I've met up with over a hundred of those women. And that doesn't include the different meetups I've done with bigger groups of people as well. But I really made a point to try to meet up with each person and see, you know, who I connected with and who I didn't.

And for me, coming to the South was a big change. I was very used to a very specific friend group that I've had for a very long time. And everything is different. The political values, the religious views, everything was really different around here. So, I had to really kind of navigate that as well and see, okay, well, these people are really nice and we were talking for two seconds on a comment, but do we actually have anything in common? And are these people that I can be friends with long term and trying to kind of understand that.

So, you know, it was a lot of, I don't want to say it was trial and error because it wasn't really trial and error. It was more not allowing myself to give up and I just continued to try. And even if someone I was like, I don't know if this is really my person, I still made a point to meet up with them. I still made a point to text them afterwards and say thank you.

But one of the things that I tried to do that I think helped me in this situation was for I would say about like 90% of the people that I met up with after we hung out, I would kind of let the ball be in their court and I would let them, you know, reach back out to me if they wanted to because I was a little bit overwhelmed with the amount of people that I had been lucky enough to connect with. So I sort of leave that in their court. You know, I gave them the text and said, you know, I had a great time. Thank you for hanging out. Let me know if you ever want to hang out again. And a lot of them did. Some of them, you know, we've still stayed connected online. We haven't really hung out any more than that. But I will say in this last year, I've made some of the best friends I've ever had.

Fernanda: Yeah.

Evan Oliver: And then on top of that, I'm a very social person and I'm a very chatty person. So, we live in a very, I would say active neighborhood, meaning that there's people outside all of the time and people are playing with their kids and stuff. So, I also made it a point to talk to all of my neighbors. One of which is your good friend Lynn.

Fernanda: So funny that you told me. I know. We have to tell this story because it's hilarious. So, I have a very good friend Lynn. We hang out all the time and she's an awesome hostess. She's always having little parties. So, I think I was at her Oscars party. And I was walking out of the Oscars party to go home and I saw Evan and I was like, "You look just like a Tik Tocker that I follow."

Evan Oliver: It's me.

Fernanda: It's me. And I'm like, "No way." It was like I was meeting a celebrity.

Evan Oliver: And it was funny. It was a funny moment for me as well because my neighbors that aren't on TikTok didn't really understand when I would tell them. They're like, "How did you meet so many people?" I'm like, "Tik Tok." And they're like, "What? What are you talking about?" And then Fernanda was like, "Oh my god, I know who you are." And they're like, "Whoa, wait, you're like on TikTok." I was like, "I mean, in Charlotte, yes. I know of a group of people." And yeah, so it was very funny.

So anyways, I started hanging out with her and some of our other neighbors and then I, like Lynn, am also very host-heavy party. So I just started putting things together and volunteering to do events. And I put on our neighborhood Halloween party which had never been done before. We had like, I want to say like 150 people ended up showing up and we really, I really just, I worked hard. And I think that's the thing that I really want to iterate here to a lot of people when you're trying to build friendships: it is not easy. Like you have to do the work.

Every time people ask me, "Well, how did you do this? Oh, well, you're just social." And it's like, well, I am social, but I have to try. When I was younger, I don't think I had a best friend until I was like 15 years old. I'm not naturally that kind of person. And then throughout my high school years, I had one or two really good friends. And then as I got older, I started building more friendships and things like that. But it wasn't natural for me. So, it is a lot of work. And every time someone asks me or every time someone says, "Oh, well, it's so easy for you," it's like, "Well, it's not. I just put in the effort."

Fernanda: You work at it.

Evan Oliver: And because I moved, I didn't have any other friendships to fall back on, right? When you're living somewhere for a long time and you've built your friend group, it's very easy to maybe meet one or two people through a job or something like that and they become your friends. But when you're starting from scratch and you have nothing to fall back on, you really have to do that work and you really have to see, okay, do I connect with these people?

And then in another sense, for me, I have a husband and so if I'm meeting up with a woman and her husband, I want to make sure they get along as well. You know what I mean? You kind of have to work to build these things and that takes a lot of time.

I'm also super outgoing. My husband is very happy to never go anywhere. And so, you know, I'm putting the baby to bed. I'm like, "Okay, I'm going. I'll see you later." And he's like, "Good night. Have fun. Stay safe." I'm like, "I'm doing it." So, I think that you do really, really, really have to try. And yeah, I never want people to think that it's easy because it's not.

Fernanda: It's not. But something I wanted to kind of highlight what I heard from you just now for people in case they missed it is you organized new events and parties in your neighborhood. And you said 150 people showed up. You know what that tells me? That tells me that people in your neighborhood and my neighborhood and everybody's neighborhood, they're all hungry for connection.

Evan Oliver: 100%.

Fernanda: And everyone's so busy. And most people don't take it upon themselves to organize anything. So when somebody organizes a neighborhood Halloween party for the first time, 150 people show up. And I've been in your neighborhood. Like, you don't live in an apartment complex.

Evan Oliver: No.

Fernanda: You live in a residential, not dense area with lots and lots of houses. So 150 people tells me what, there's at least 40 houses who showed up or something. Maybe I might be rounding the number incorrectly, but that's a really big impact, you know.

Evan Oliver: But I think that's such a good point that you make and something I realized too when I was trying to meet new people and do these things. A lot of people don't want to be the person that puts themselves out there or take the risk of having the party or doing the event, right? And I get that. It is scary. I remember my first happy hour that I organized, I was like convinced that one person was going to show up and I was so anxious. But at the end of the day, people really do want to meet new people and maybe they don't want to be the one that organizes it. Maybe they're a little anxious to come to something on their own and so they might come with a friend, but they really do want to meet new people.

I also will say I do put myself out there a lot online. You've seen my videos. I'm very clear with the person that I am. And so if you are going to hang out with me or meet up with me, you're not going to be surprised by the person that I am. And so I think that's also very helpful, being very candid and honest about the person that I am because I'm not for everybody and I'm okay with that. I don't want to be for everybody. But people know when they meet me or they come up and they see me, they understand the kind of person that they're trying to build a friendship with, and if they decide that I'm a good fit for them, then some of the work is already done. But I think that's kind of a big part of it too, being very candid and honest about who I am.

Fernanda: That's awesome. Yeah. I sometimes forget about that and being totally open and vulnerable. I'm a lot like you where I want to be friends with everybody and I want every, but I need to work on my discernment personally because I think I'm like too eager to be friends with every single person that I meet. And I think you were giving me a really good reminder that first of all, I'm not for everybody. Second of all, not everybody is for me.

Evan Oliver: Yes. Yeah. And that's kind of a hard pill to swallow, too. That always feels a little bit bad. And I have not met a single person where I'm like, "Oh my god, I never want to speak to them again" or anything like that. It's just we're in really different stages of our lives. Like I'm 37, so you know, I'm in my late 30s. I have friends that are in their early 20s. I have friends that are in their 50s.

That's the other thing is I feel like when I was in my 20s, I was like, "Oh, I'm not going to hang out with older people or younger people." But now, especially living in kind of suburbia in this neighborhood, my friendships vary. You know, I have friends that have kids, that don't have kids, that are, like I said, in their 50s or in their 20s, and I'm okay with that. It's not really about age anymore. It's really about like, okay, well, what sorts of things do we have in common?

But I also will say there are certain people that I met and right away I knew, I'm like, oh, well, these are going to be really good friends of mine. Sometimes you can kind of pick up on that really quickly. I have a few friends, even some friends that had joined my book club and we had talked and stuff like that, but we finally decided after months to do something one-on-one and now they've become my best friends because we ended up kind of breaking the barrier of the group hangout and then of course became very close, which I think is awesome as well.

Fernanda: But yeah, I just want to emphasize the book club idea. I also belong to a book club and I feel because of the repetition and you get to see the same people over and over again, I've become really good friends with some of the ladies in the book club and now we're hanging out. Like even today we're going to go to a happy hour outside of book club.

Evan Oliver: Yes.

Fernanda: So anybody who's listening to this, if you have an opportunity to join a book club or any kind of club, it's not about the book, but any kind of thing that interests you. If you like pickleball or tennis or golf or you just join a group with people with a similar interest to you, you're likely to find a close friend there, you know, and sometimes you have to try a few things.

Evan Oliver: But yeah, I mean, same with our book club. We love it. I make a point, we do talk about the book because I love it.

Fernanda: What books do you guys read?

Evan Oliver: We read everything right now. Our August book is Daggermouth, which is a dystopian novel that came out a couple, I think it just got re-released in July. So, we just read that. Before that, we read a murder mystery. We read everything. We pick a theme every month and then we vote on books in that theme.

Fernanda: Okay.

Evan Oliver: Yeah, it's very fun. But yeah, I mean, every single person in that book club is someone I met through TikTok. Not one person came with another friend. Not one person was someone that I knew. Every single person was on TikTok.

And I will also say something, I think this is a really good point to make because when I first decided to start this book club, I posted on TikTok about it. The first video didn't really do very well, but I got some reach out. The second video I ended up doing a Google sheet and I had 575 people sign up to want to be a part of the book club.

Fernanda: That's an insane amount of people that wanted to be in the book club.

Evan Oliver: So, I was like, "Okay, well, I'm going to do a first meetup. I'll send out invites. It's going to be somewhere big, and we'll see how many people actually come." So, I did the invite. I had 90 people RSVP. When it came down to the day of, only 25 people showed up.

And, you know, I was like, "Wow, we went from 500 to 90 to 25." Because realistically, oftentimes people want to be a part of something, but then they get nervous so they don't actually want to, or they just feel like, I think this happens a lot with social media where they see a bunch of other people doing it so then they start doing it, if that makes sense. Like, "Oh well, there's 300 comments here so I want to be one of those comments too" or whatever it might be.

But the amazing thing is, of those 25 people that came to the first book club, there's about 15 that have been there since day one. So those are the real, like, okay, these are the people who came from day one and they really wanted to be a part of it and now we have such a great time and we enjoy our book club so much. And I think that it's such a great opportunity to build friendships. And as I said, for everyone else in the book club, some people are from Charlotte, some people are from different areas, some people are from different states, whatever it is. But again, they're trying to make friends who have something in common with them, and sometimes finding that commonality like a book or like pickleball or tennis or whatever it may be is the easiest way.

I also joined a mahjong group with a bunch of women in my neighborhood.

Fernanda: Nice.

Evan Oliver: You know, it's again super fun. There's so many people that live in our neighborhood, would I normally have met all of these people and hung out with them? No, but is it so much fun? Yes. And I'm so happy I did. So, I think that...

Fernanda: Yeah. Sorry to interrupt. I was just going to say, because I've hosted a lot of events, some of them were free, some of them were paid but very low cost.

Evan Oliver: Yeah.

Fernanda: And just so you know, for the free events, usually it's only 30% of people who actually show up. Like, I don't know if you had had that same experience prior, but 25 out of 90 to me sounds very real and normal, you know, even though you're thinking, "Oh my gosh, it might be close to 90 people," but 25 is still a really good show up. It's a great number.

Evan Oliver: Yeah.

Fernanda: And the fact that 15 of them stayed regular, that shows that they're getting a good value. They're loving it just as much as you are, you know.

Evan Oliver: Yeah. And I will say though, I did get a little bit frustrated afterwards because I spent so much time trying to find a place for us to all fit because so many people had RSVP'd. I had messaged multiple times and said, "Remember, if you can't come, please remove your RSVP. We really need an accurate headcount."

And I ended up posting afterwards and I said, "I'm not mad that people didn't come. I just think that you need to be more thoughtful with the people who are hosting events and being more considerate because I had to do a lot of work to find a place where we could be and you guys decided not to show up without saying anything." And that, I don't think is okay.

Change your RSVP. It's not very hard to go from yes to no. And I got a few messages from people and they were like, "Oh, my anxiety, this and that." I'm like, "I understand not coming. That's okay. You don't have to. I don't know you. You don't owe me anything. But for the future, I think you should be a little bit more considerate of people's time and the efforts they put into things. And simply changing from a yes to a no is the most considerate thing you can do."

Fernanda: Oh, that's such a good point, Evan. And I mean, I hope whoever listens to this learns from it cuz I've been a Meetup organizer for over 15 years and that's one of my biggest pet peeves is just change your RSVP.

Evan Oliver: Well, why are you saying yes if you're not going to go? It's the weirdest thing.

Fernanda: I know. Cuz a lot of times when I was organizing meetups for languages, we had the similar issue where we had high RSVPs and then only a segment of people would show up. But I did have one group in Chicago, it was a very prolific and popular Spanish group where we were having the opposite problem where only 12 people would RSVP and 30 people would show up.

Evan Oliver: Oh my gosh.

Fernanda: So usually it seems like a good problem to have. Like you're like, "Oh yeah, we're going to have..."

Evan Oliver: Yeah, prepared for it.

Fernanda: Yeah, I started getting irritated. And I'm like, how do I know how many tables to reserve if I don't know who's coming? You know what I mean? So, yeah, it goes both ways.

Evan Oliver: Goes both ways. Yeah. I think it's just consideration we're all looking for.

Fernanda: Yeah. Oh gosh, but it's so cool. So, like the Tik Tok thing, first of all, I'm a big fan. I love your videos and I think you do a great job. You're always very natural and warm and you can tell very like genuine when you're talking to people, to us, your audience.

Evan Oliver: Yeah. Sometimes it's two people that see it though. This is the funny thing with TikTok, is like sometimes it's a billion people that see it and sometimes it's literally two people that see it and you never know.

Fernanda: You're like, "Okay, you never know. You never know."

Evan Oliver: Oh, and that's what's so funny. Like with book club and that video going so crazy or the first meetup one that I did where I said that I wanted to make friends. I could never have anticipated those would be the ones that go really crazy.

Or you know, I remember one time I posted a video and in California, if you have an outdoor event in your backyard, you call it a barbecue. It's pretty normal. Apparently in the Carolinas, you do not. And I got hundreds of thousands of views and people yelling at me saying, "It's a cookout. It's not a barbecue." And I was like, "Okay, I'm sorry. It's a cultural difference."

Fernanda: So funny, the cultural differences. But sharing your life on TikTok the way that you share it, it takes a lot of guts. Like, I want to give you some props. Especially when you're feeling vulnerable. Like, is this something that you said earlier that you work hard at it, it's not easy or anything, but where does that courage come from, I guess is what I want to ask?

Evan Oliver: Honestly, it comes from encouragement that I get from people who follow me or message me or say like, "Oh, I'm new here too. I'm doing this, I'd love to hang out." And that's what keeps me going. That's what makes me want to keep talking about it and keep posting about it and keep putting my vulnerabilities out there because anytime even if it's just one person feels the same way I do, I feel like I'm so happy to give them one other person that aligns with whatever they're struggling with or whatever it might be.

And not that everything is such a struggle. Sometimes it's just funny stories or sometimes it's experiences. I told a story that got a lot of traction about this friend group that I had joined, again through some people I met through TikTok. And I ended up meeting a couple of these people and one of the girls randomly one day ended up, her and another girl in the text message had said something to her and said, "Hey, you know, it's really kind of hurts my feelings that every time we bring up something, you immediately turn it on you and you don't really ever ask us how we're doing."

And she ended up blocking all of us. She blocked us all on Instagram, Tik Tok, phone numbers, everything, without saying a word. And we were like, "What happened?" And I didn't really know her. I'd only met her maybe three times. And so I'm like, "What did I do? I don't even know this person. This is crazy."

And I told that story. I said, "You know, I've never had this experience before, especially with an adult person in their mid to late 30s. You'd think that you would be a little more mature than that, but I guess not." And they never said anything to me. They didn't explain. And that's fine. Again, not my really good friend. She was a good friend to one of the other girls in the group who actually wasn't the person that had said anything. And they had gone on trips together. They had done a lot of stuff together. And she just totally dropped them.

And I think that was a really big learning moment for me. And on the flip side, I had a lot of people message me and say, "Group messages can be very overwhelming and like I've done that before." And I'm like, look, I understand. I'm just explaining this experience was very odd for me. I've never experienced anything like this before and I understand getting overwhelmed and feeling the pressures of friendship or whatever it may be, and I get that. And I never wanted to make her feel bad or feel uncomfortable, whatever it might be.

But I also think that we're adults and if someone isn't right for you or if you don't feel like you any longer want to be a part of something, I don't think there's anything wrong with just saying like, "Hey guys, like I'm going to jump out" or "You know what, I don't think this is right for me." I think to full ghost someone is sort of crazy, especially in friendship, you know?

But it was interesting to hear both sides. I thought it was such a crazy story, but I got so many messages saying like, "Oh yeah, this happened to me" and a lot of people are asking like, "Did I do something wrong? I'm questioning myself. Am I a bad person, this or that?" And from what I heard from most of the people who are the ones that do the blocking, they're struggling a lot with certain things on their own and the easiest thing for them to do is block. So I'm trying to remember that and have empathy for those people, but also remember their choices are not my fault.

And if I can truly honestly say I did not do anything, which in this case I did not do anything, I'm just part of this group message, then that's okay. And I don't think this is a person that I want to spend my time with and be with anymore. I don't think that we were ever going to be best friends either way. And again, that's okay.

And it kind of goes back to what I was saying earlier about really understanding that you're not for everyone and everyone is not for you, and not to force it. And I think after that friendship group that happened, it was really eye opening for me because I had in the beginning tried very hard to, like I said, meet up with every person and try to have these conversations. But at the end of the day, I'm like, you know what, no, now I've sort of built the foundation of friendship here and I need to make sure that I'm with people who align with the person that I am and that we can really get along and that we can actually have a good time.

Because you don't have to be, like some of my neighbors, we don't have much in common, but we have our kids or we just like to have fun or whatever it is. Reality is, if we met somewhere else where we weren't neighbors, would we still be friends? Probably not. But because we're neighbors, it's kind of forced proximity, right? So you end up being friends.

But with choosing friendship outside of that, outside of people in your neighborhood, it's like you're really choosing who you want to spend your time with. And time is valuable and time is important, especially when you're trying to build your entire life, you know? And for me, I'm a parent, I'm a partner, I work, I have my own business and all these things. And so it's like I have to be thoughtful in what I'm choosing while also being kind. And I think that that is another kind of hard balance to find.

Fernanda: Yeah. Thanks for sharing that. And by the way, Evan, everything you're saying, I'm like, she's talking about me and my reality. I completely agree. I completely resonate, agree, and relate to everything you said.

I want to emphasize one cool thing you were saying. I think it warrants a little bit of a discussion here: the concept of friends ghosting or blocking everybody and leaving the chat group or whatever. This is something that unfortunately I do hear and experience a lot nowadays.

Evan Oliver: Yeah.

Fernanda: But I think it's important for us to remember it's not how things used to be. Like back before the internet and all the social media and the chat groups, you had a group of friends, somebody didn't just decide to just poof, disappear and ghost everybody else. Usually if something happened, there was like a discussion or somebody moved away and then they just kind of drifted.

There's a book I'm very excited to read. It's called The Company We Keep by a lady that I love, her name is Alex Elle. And she was in a podcast the other day and she said something really important that I think resonates with what you're saying. She said, "Look, friends who will ghost you, they are not emotionally safe." Like, if they're going to ghost you, you know that you're not safe with them. You know what I mean? At least have the decency and the respect to give somebody closure.

Evan Oliver: Closure. Exactly.

Fernanda: So, and I can't wait for this book. Once I read it, I'll definitely do a podcast about it. And I think I'm starting to look at it too cuz I've been ghosted here. The situation you just described happened to me. And it's hard, you know, cuz we're just trying to be friends with people. So, when somebody just decides to walk out of your life, you're like, "What? I thought we were friends." You know what I mean?

Evan Oliver: Yeah.

Fernanda: So, there's been some lessons there. I've been through that, too. And some of it is emotional maturity, I think, is what you were trying to allude to: at least have the emotional maturity to close things off like an adult. You know what I mean?

Evan Oliver: Exactly. That's exactly it. And I think that a lot of people struggle with that. And like I said, I just try to remember that if I can truly say I didn't do anything, we didn't get into an argument or anything like that, it's just not my fault. It's not my problem and they need to get through what they need to get through. And maybe if they come back in a couple of months and they're like, "You know, I'm really sorry, that was kind of crazy behavior," and they take accountability, sure, we can chat again. But like I said, at the end of the day, as much as I love making new friends and I want to meet as many people as possible, I am not so desperate that I have to meet people who are not emotionally compatible with me.

Fernanda: Right, right, right. Especially since you've already done such a good job. You've already built a good little community. You're nurturing your community with your book club and your other clubs. So you're definitely not in a position anywhere near desperate at this point, right?

Evan Oliver: Well, I felt like that in the beginning. I really did. It feels so isolating, especially for me. When we moved to North Carolina, I'd not moved outside of a 40-mile radius my entire life. Like, I was born and raised in LA. I went to college in Orange County. I lived in Orange County and LA and back and forth and that was it. I had traveled and things like that, but I mean really I'd never left anywhere.

Most of my friend group were my same friends that I made towards the end of my high school career. And I had some new friends of course, but I really lived a very, I don't want to say small life because that's not the right way to put it, but it was just, I was in one place and I did one thing. That was it.

And so moving again was a really big thing. And I remember everyone being like, "Aren't you nervous?" Because I was 36 at the time that I moved for the first time like that, and everyone's like, "Are you nervous?" And I was like, "I'm not because I've been doing the same thing for so long that I'm just ready for change." Of course there are things that I'm a little bit anxious about, but at the time in my life, I had been having some struggles with my mom and her and I weren't on speaking terms at that time. And I didn't have that thing holding me back, and I had this new baby and I really wanted her to live a very, I wanted her to be able to play in the street. And as you know, we live on this really adorable cul-de-sac and she gets to play outside and do all these things. And I just wanted to provide her with something a little bit different than what we were living in then. And so it really didn't feel hard.

Obviously, leaving my friends was hard and I love them so much. But on the flip side of what we were saying, in the '90s, if you couldn't go somewhere, well, now I can see my friends every day. I can talk to my friends. I see their stories. I send them memes. So, there's also this deep connection that we can have because of social media.

So, sometimes I'll look and I'm like, gosh, I haven't texted so and so in so long. And then I look, I'm like, "Oh, well, we've literally talked on Instagram every single day." You know what I mean?

Fernanda: Yeah. That's another thing helpful.

Evan Oliver: Oh, I'm sorry.

Fernanda: No, no. I was just going to say two things about what you said. Moving from a completely different city and the things that happen when you move. I can share two quick stories and see if you felt that too.

Like even when I moved here, it was all for positive reasons. We chose to move here, but I actually got depressed after I moved here for like two to three months. It was definitely a circumstantial depression, but I think it was a little bit of grief about the life that I left behind.

Evan Oliver: Sure.

Fernanda: And I was very lonely and I was also just feeling like that depressing feeling. And the way that I was able to snap out of it was by forcing myself to go to my Zumba class cuz we belong to this gym here, the JCC. It's got really great...

Evan Oliver: We're there too.

Fernanda: You do? Oh my gosh. Really great. It's the best. I might see you there. That Zumba class kind of snapped me out of my funk, you know what I mean?

Evan Oliver: Okay, we have to try it.

Fernanda: And much later, oh my gosh, I'm losing track of time, but I filled cups, we host a women's group. This young lady came from Miami and she had just moved and she also moved because she wanted to. It was the right reasons for her professionally and all of that, and she was struggling with the same thing. Like she's like, "I'm feeling kind of depressed. Like I left all my friends behind. I left my life back there." And she worked through it. She also went to Zumba. Maybe this is an ad for Zumba, but anyway, to Zumba, yeah!

But one thing I was going to say, sorry, I forgot about this part of the story, once I was feeling like I had no friends and feeling that scarcity about friends and stuff, I made a point, and so did this young woman that we're talking about, of reconnecting with my friends from Chicago or Kansas or Colorado because I have friends in other cities. And I'm like, you know what, even if I don't have friends here in Charlotte...

Evan Oliver: You still have friends.

Fernanda: I still have really good friends from other cities that I can call or do a video call with or even just send a voice message to, you know. Did you go through the same thing?

Evan Oliver: I would kind of say I almost went through the opposite and I'll explain and hopefully this makes sense, but I threw myself so deeply into making friends here and so hard into, I mean like I was meeting up with people three or four nights a week. I was going so hard that I remember I had moved in May and it was end of June and I had forgot to text my girlfriend on her birthday.

And I felt so guilty about that because I was like, "Oh my god, I am so involved in trying to build this life so that I don't fail here that I actually forgot about this person that's very important to me's birthday." And I remember feeling so incredibly guilty about it and just feeling like, wow, okay, I need to kind of pull back cuz I threw myself so deep into life here that I almost completely pulled back from my friends at home and people that I would talk to every day because I was just like, "No, I need to build these friendships here. I need to build a life here. I need to get things settled here."

So now I really try to find a balance. And I actually made it a point in the new year, I made it one of my resolutions to try to reach out to my friends at least once a week and just check in on them and see how they are. And like I said, we're talking often on social media and things like that, but really trying to make sure that they know that just because I moved doesn't mean that they're not extremely important to me and that I want to spend time with them.

One of my girlfriends just had her 40th birthday and I knew that I wasn't going to be able to go back to California to celebrate with her. And so I kind of found out what she was doing on her birthday. They were going on a little trip and I called the restaurant and I ordered her a bottle of champagne and I got it sent to the table so that she would have that because I was like, well, I really can't be there but what can I do to kind of make her feel like she's not forgotten and that I love her and that I want to be a part of it.

So it's just little things like that that I try to think about, or just making sure I'm commenting on everyone's posts or liking every story, which kind of feels silly. But actually in the last couple of months I've gotten multiple messages from people that said like, "Hey, I noticed that you always comment and like on my posts, thank you so much. I really appreciate it." And I'm like, that's why we're doing this. You know what I mean? We're not posting on social media because we want to be ignored, right?

Fernanda: Yeah.

Evan Oliver: We want people to interact with us. And so I make a point to really do that. And I think that helps.

Fernanda: I think I saw a video of yours on TikTok where you were talking kind of about this concept.

Evan Oliver: Yes.

Fernanda: Of like, hey, if you are connected with us on social media, like engage with our stuff because it's a feedback loop, you know. And I think you mentioned you might have met somebody who told you that they had seen your stuff but they never once liked or commented on anything. Was that you? Cuz it was either you or somebody else who I follow, because it resonated with me cuz I have that experience.

Evan Oliver: Yeah. And what I talked about was more so, people aren't just putting themselves on the internet to put themselves out there. It's a risk. It's trying to build friendships and trying to build community. And the people that you're closest with, your friends should be the ones that are automatically liking, commenting, and doing everything. That should be a given. Those main people in your life, that should be a given. If they see it, that should be a given. And then beyond that, with the friends that you're making and building, whatever it is.

But I make a point, like I said, I make a point to like every story, to hopefully comment on every post and just really make sure people feel like, "Yeah, you're doing this. I see you." All we want to do is be seen. Everybody just wants to be seen.

Fernanda: And connecting. Because I don't have as big of an audience as you do, but when I post stuff on Instagram, I'm more on Instagram. I do Tik Tok, too, but I have a bigger following on Instagram. And it's weird for me, like I'm putting myself out there and sharing, only maybe I'll get a little bit of engagement from people I know, but then later when I'm out in the wild, people will tell me that they saw some video of mine.

Evan Oliver: Yeah.

Fernanda: But they never commented or liked on it.

Evan Oliver: Yeah.

Fernanda: Like, why didn't you do anything? What am I doing wrong?

Evan Oliver: Yeah. It's the funniest thing.

Fernanda: But I mean, I know people aren't obliged to do that kind of stuff, but it does make a difference to the creators. You know what I mean?

Evan Oliver: And I think any person, even a person who isn't trying to do anything on social media, they just want to post a picture of their dog or whatever it is because they're proud of the picture that they took. I think that something as simple as liking or commenting on a photo takes 10 seconds and it is so impactful for so many people. It makes them feel seen. And again, I think that everyone just wants to be seen.

Fernanda: Yeah, definitely. So, Evan, thank you so much for being open with us today. I think what you've built out of what was honestly a really hard and lonely time is such a beautiful reminder that connection is possible, even when it doesn't come easily at first.

If you want to keep up with Evan, I highly recommend it. Go find her on Tik Tok, Evan Alexis Oliver, and I'll put that in the show notes, too. Her page is full of honest reflections on friendship, her life in Charlotte, and yes, some really good coffee shop recommendations, too.

And to everyone listening, if this episode stirred something in you, if you're in a season of starting over or just feeling a little disconnected, I hope Evan's story reminded you that you're not the only one, and that building your people is absolutely possible. It might take one brave post or an awkward first meetup or a book club you show up to not knowing anyone.

Thank you for spending time with us. Make sure you like and subscribe and stay connected. I'll see you on the next one.