Navigating Divorce with the help of a Divorce Coach - Paula Lesso

Fernanda: Hi friends. Welcome back to Connectedness. I'm Fernanda, your host and founder of Filled Cups. And this is the space where we explore what it means to grow, connect, and trust ourselves and to show up authentically with each other.

Today's conversation is a deeply human one. We're talking about navigating change, identity, and what it means to rebuild your life when something you once knew no longer fits.

I'm joined by Paula Leso, a divorce coach who supports women through every stage of the divorce journey, from questioning their relationship to moving through the process to rebuilding on the other side. Paula's work is rooted in her own lived experience, but and what once felt like a comfortable marriage shifted suddenly and she found herself on the path to rediscovering who she really was and what she wanted.

Through her experience, she developed a powerful approach that blends movement, mindset, and heart to help women move forward with clarity, strength, and renewed sense of self. Paula, I'm so grateful to have you here and welcome to Connectedness.

Paula: Fernanda, thank you so much for having me. I'm honored to be on your podcast.

Fernanda: Yeah, no worries. And we may hear your puppy in the background, but that's okay, right? Poor guy. So, would you want to take us back to the moment when everything changed for you? Tell us a little bit about your story, please.

Paula: Yeah, that would be great. Thank you for asking. And it's probably one of those like fairy tale things like high school sweethearts and married at 21 and then as time goes by, you know we got nearing the 21 year mark, things just didn't seem the same. Something changed and I remember going to a counselor and saying I wanted to get the passion back in my marriage, right? Like I needed to take care of that. I probably saw her for about a year, year and a half maybe. He didn't know. And it was for me to take care of myself and see what I can do in reference to helping get things back on track maybe.

And nothing seemed to work. Eventually, we did go see a marriage counselor. And there was a point at which I just knew, felt, actually found evidence of him having an affair. And so I was like, okay, I am not doing this. I'm not a marriage of one, right? And then all the feelings: the whole betrayal, the whole "oh my gosh, how could this happen? Why?" I mean, you go through all of that. Although there's the why, there's the how could it happen, it's like really, and then going forward, how do you go forward from there? You know, with all the roller coaster emotions and everything that has to happen, what do I do next?

Back then, I didn't know anything about a divorce coach. I didn't know anything about somebody to help me in other ways financially. All I knew was "I need a lawyer." And that is a lot of what happens today because people don't realize how much a divorce coach can help, can prep you, can prepare you ahead of time and really save you time and money, which I wish I had known then and I know now. That old hindsight, but again, I don't think there was a divorce coach then. And what trying to put the right mindset to it also because it could really take you down. I was in corporate and it was like all of a sudden something came over me but, well, let's make it like a project. Okay, proceedings, what do I have to do? Here's the thing: we are definitely getting divorced. So, what are the steps, right?

That helped a lot with my mindset and then going through the proceeding and what needed to happen. So that's why I do what I do for women that don't want them to feel like they're out there on their own. I'm the only one going through it. Although they say 50% of marriages end in divorce, even though we know that and you're going through it, you still feel like you're the only one. You're not, right?

Fernanda: Yes. I do have some questions prepared to talk about the stages of divorce and navigating it and then rebuilding your identity. Obviously you mentioned in your case there was infidelity and you decided you were going to get a divorce. Aside from the infidelity, I think you might have mentioned on your website that you weren't recognizing yourself anymore towards the end there. I guess would you mind talking a little bit more about that concept?

Paula: Sure. We didn't have children and so we were doing a lot of things together and also getting involved in what things that he was doing and doing with him. Also realized I was a big huge people pleaser. Also just trying to please, just trying to keep the peace, just trying to not rock the boat, just "okay, we'll go with the flow." People pleaser. And that was huge to realize that because I didn't realize it while I was doing it. And just, I think lack of communication, it just got comfortable. It wasn't, I mean he traveled a little bit for his work but nothing that was bringing any problems or anything like that. It's just I think after so many years you just get comfortable and if you don't communicate or have the same goals, you're just kind of doing your own thing for each of you.

Fernanda: So you recognized some people pleasing, which unfortunately is a lot of women because maybe we're indoctrinated to be people pleasers when we're younger, when we're girls, and then that just becomes our way of life. And then you guys had grown apart. So would you want to talk about the concept of the stages of divorce? Like you said that there it's a journey with three stages. Can you walk us through that framework?

Paula: Yes. So the stages, first of all, it's just realizing this is what's happening. The concept I've come up with is in our head. I mean everything is there. The why, the how come, the what am I going to do, the uncertainty. Just trying to keep it all in perspective. Whether you're a mom that works or doesn't work, career woman, with no kids, but all of that, it's all in your head. And so it's about that hamster on the wheel, right? We're just going and going. And it's about how do we clear that for clarity and putting it all down. I help women with journaling or just how to get our head clear however you do that.

Fernanda: Sorry to interrupt Paula, but is it called the contemplation stage?

Paula: That is one thing that you could be contemplating in the sense of "I don't know, do I want to stay married, don't I want to stay married, am I happy, not happy?" And if you're not happy then they probably aren't either. So what I like to do is find out from women that are contemplating this stage: what is your communication style? What are you communicating? The other thing I go to are the five love languages. Are they being filled with their love language or is it they're being filled with a different love language that he thinks is right and it's not working? So yeah, that's one of the big things is "he's doing things that don't make me happy."

And then again, if you're not happy then he's probably not happy and you're not communicating. You're just kind of doing your own thing. So that's one area of contemplating. The other is if there's any kind of abuse, if it's mental abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and it's a security thing to leave. And so it's like, okay, how do we work on that? And if necessary, maybe bring in a therapist. You know, different modalities so that maybe there's something that would help. And if those things are happening and it is time to do the divorce, then I can help move that forward and what are the steps with the lawyer, getting you prepared for that.

And then if they're in the middle of a divorce, how's it going? And it's one thing that's kind of surprised me a little is seeing the ages. Anywhere from 30s, maybe late 20s, all the way up to like 65 or 70. They call them gray hairs. All of a sudden it's like "okay, don't want to do this anymore." It's like, wow. Yeah, that's a little surprising at times.

I'm a part of what's called Second Saturday, where women can come. It's free. It's the second Saturday of the month. And we have a CDFA (Certified Divorce Financial Analyst), the CDRE (Certified Divorce Real Estate Expert), a mindset person or like I've spoken there as a divorce coach, a therapist or a life coach, and a lawyer. So that all that information, and it's really a lot of information that they probably hadn't been exposed to before.

Fernanda: Wow. I'm going to ask you for the information about that so I can put it in the show notes. I do meet a lot of ladies who are post-divorce, especially the monthly women's group that I co-host with my friend Lisa. It's not necessarily designed only for divorcées at all, it's open to any woman, but we end up getting a higher proportion of women who are post-divorce and I think it's because they're trying to rebuild their social lives. Would you want to talk a little bit about rebuilding identity after divorce?

Paula: Yes, absolutely. A lot of times depending on how long the marriage was, you do lose yourself. As I said, the people pleaser just kind of goes with the flow and just lets things happen and not really being who you are because you lose yourself. You're just a part of whatever's happening there. Or with kids, I've seen it, people focus on their kids, right? And then who are they once the kids go off to college or move away? So helping them to identify: who were you before this and what are the things that you love to do? What lights you up? Because that's something that probably was put aside for a long time. Let's get you involved or started with those things. And get you out with other women because you don't want to just be isolated. We want to get out around other women for community. They just need to know that it's okay. And that's huge. What's next? And really, what is it you want to be doing?

Fernanda: Yes. Thinking about the middle of the divorce, like that chaotic phase that's really stressful. Whether someone is listening to this or for listeners who are supporting a friend in this stage, what do you think actually helps that person versus what does not help?

Paula: So from a friend perspective, as a friend: listen, right? Friends and family are great, but they will also give you their advice and what you should do. But I had a friend that was awesome because she had been through a divorce; she sat and listened, just let me speak, and she just handed me Kleenexes. I needed it. Just sat there and handed her tissues because her sister did that for her and that meant a lot. Just let me let it all out.

They want to know that they're not alone, that they're supported. So that's one of the things that I go through with my clients: what are the things that you're feeling, you're upset about, angry? Get it all out. That way they release a lot. Those feelings will still come up, something will trigger, and it's okay. But we want to get that roller coaster so that it's more of a wave, right? But it's going to take a while. Don't think it's going to go away. I was like, "Oh, okay, I thought I was done," and the next time all of a sudden I'm just crying. Yeah, it does happen. But being there so that they get it out and then we talk about what it looks like now. Where do you want to be now so that they can feel more confident and empowered to move forward.

Fernanda: Huge. And your approach, like you mentioned, there's a magical mix of physical movement, mindset, and heart. How do those three things work together?

Paula: Well, I love that because it's head, heart, and health. Like I said, you got the hamster on the wheel and everything is up there. Just get it out. Say it, write it, whatever you have to do so that you have room to think forward movement. And then the movement, just moving, whatever it is. Walking, we'll walk and talk, whatever it might be but for your health. That's one of the things that I found too is that I still had to go work out. Don't stop what you're doing. If you're walking with a friend, continue to walk with that friend. It really helps the mental state. And your heart... your heart is so guarded right now that you're like "I can't feel, I can't love." It's all about loving who you are. I understand there's shame and guilt and all those things, and working through that and first of all just loving yourself as you are, accepting who you are.

It all works together so that you're thinking clearly, you're going "this is who I am" and I'm going to stay healthy. You might not feel like eating, but you gotta eat, and not self-medicating. Because some people think "I'm just going to sleep and it'll go away" or "I'm going to do this." Trying to stay as healthy as you can because that's just going to make you stronger mentally and physically to get through it.

Fernanda: Yeah, those are all really important things to remember because when we're going through crisis, our health might be the first thing to go out the window. Paula, just a closing reflection, please. If someone listening is awake at night, unsure whether they want to stay or leave, what would you want them to hear today?

Paula: I would want them to hear that it's okay. It's okay for those thoughts. It's okay to wonder. And then find someone like myself, a divorce coach. It doesn't mean you're getting divorced, but understanding that I know what it looks like, all those wondering thoughts. Because I thought about that too when we weren't getting along. "Oh my gosh, is this it? Is this all there is to the marriage?" And if I had someone like myself to speak to, just think it through. Write down all your thoughts. Just put them down. Don't edit. Just throw it on the paper. And then we'll talk through it.

Fernanda: Okay, awesome. Well, thank you. Paula, this has been such an honest and grounding conversation. I really appreciate the way you bring compassion and clarity to something that so many people struggle with in silence. If anyone listening feels like they're in one of these stages, you're not alone. Paula, where can people find you?

Paula: The one thing that I want to say too is: think of me as your thinking partner through this. We're going to think through it together and look at it as a business, a divorce, which is unfortunate to say that and yet it is. We have to turn it into a business divorce, unfortunately. So, my website is paleso.com and paleso.com is my email.

Fernanda: Yeah, definitely. I see how it could be so beneficial for women going through this. Thank you for being here. If this episode resonated with you, consider sharing it with someone who might need it. Please like and subscribe. And until next time, let's all stay connected, but also most importantly, be connected to yourself and to what matters most. Thank you.