How to Find Your People in a New City | Adult Friendships & Community

Fernanda: Hi friends, welcome back to the Filled Cups podcast, the space where we get honest about connection, friendship, love, and all the messy in-between moments that come with being human.

Today is a special one because I have my very first guest: my dear friend Danielle is here with me. We are going to be talking about all sorts of stuff, to be honest, and I'm going to hand it over to Danielle so she can introduce herself.

Danielle Frouws: Hi! I'm so honored to be your first guest, and I'm happy that I can support you with Filled Cups.

My name is Danielle Frouws. I am a friend as well as a therapist, and I definitely think that connection is a very important topic—one that a lot of people struggle with, but often don't talk about. I'm glad to be here.

Fernanda: Danielle and I met maybe two years ago. You had just moved to town, and I tell your story sometimes to other people: we met at salsa dancing, but then we also ran into each other at a Spanish language group.

When we got to talking, you mentioned that you were new in town and trying to make local girlfriends. We had already clicked, so we made plans to go out for coffee.

When we went for coffee, I just spilled all my deep, dark secrets to you. There's something about you where people just feel like they can open up—you must be in the right profession!

You have a very calming quality, a gentle voice, and you're so understanding and empathetic. Part of becoming friends is sharing vulnerable moments and what you're going through, rather than keeping your guard up all the time.

I shared some stresses from work and things I was working through in therapy, and you were such a great listener. You asked questions, shared about your own life, and the rest is history.

Danielle Frouws: That's right! We connected through two different avenues and just hit it off.

I know it can feel awkward—sometimes almost like you're asking someone out on a date—to ask another woman, "Hey, would you like to go out for coffee sometime?" But with any great reward, you have to take some sort of risk, so I'm glad I did.

Having girlfriends is a super important part of my life and self-care. I had moved here for a relationship, and while I had my partner, it's not the same as having a circle of women you can talk to and connect with deeply.

Fernanda: You're preaching to the choir, because helping people make friends and come out of isolation is why I started Filled Cups in the first place.

I see people on social media complaining about how impossible it is to make friends in Charlotte—how they went to one meetup, thought people were superficial, and gave up. From your perspective, what is the secret to making friends when you move to a new city?

Danielle Frouws: The discomfort of not having friends and being alone has to outweigh the discomfort of putting yourself out there.

For me, female friendships are an essential part of my self-care. Being in a new city can actually make you more open to putting yourself out there than staying in a place where you've lived for years and become stuck in your ways.

I view moving to a new city as an adventure rather than something daunting. There are so many kinds of people out there, and I look forward to exploring.

My top recommendation is using Meetup.com. Find things you are genuinely interested in—whether it's discussing philosophy, practicing yoga, or an outdoor activity—and show up because the activity itself brings you joy. If you happen to meet someone or strike up a great conversation, that's an added bonus.

Fernanda: When you go to meetups, do you go multiple times, or do you just attend once and never return?

Danielle Frouws: I go multiple times. Expecting to make lifelong friends after one event is like going to the gym once and expecting a six-pack, then quitting because it didn't happen immediately.

Consistency and repetition are key. When we were in school or working in an office, making friends was easier because we were around the same people constantly.

Since I work from home, I have to intentionally create that consistency. I go to a yoga studio where people share similar interests, and I return regularly to build community.

There have been a few meetups I didn't return to, like a crochet group, simply because I realized crochet frustrated me rather than brought me joy. You don't have to commit to everything, but pick one or two activities you enjoy and can realistically show up for consistently. Consistency allows people to get to know you, which is how friendships naturally take root.

Fernanda: With us, we saw each other at meetups, but then we took the initiative to meet outside of that group setting. You are wonderful about initiating plans, and I really appreciate that because I'm usually the one initiating with other people.

Group settings are fun for parties, but one-on-one time is where friendships truly deepen. We went for coffee, we went dancing, and now we've added roller skating to our repertoire!

One time at Sip City, we were having such a deep conversation about relationships that you joked we should have just recorded it as a podcast episode.

Danielle Frouws: Our coffee dates would make great podcast episodes! No matter what we start talking about, even when we laugh and keep it light at first, our conversations always end up diving into the deep, meaningful stuff.

Fernanda: It takes consistency, intentionality, and taking that first step after a group event. You also maintain close friendships with people living in Florida and Asheville. How do you nurture those long-distance friendships?

Danielle Frouws: Friendships have always been deeply valuable to me, so distance isn't a hurdle—it just requires intentionality.

We travel together, visit each other, and schedule regular phone and video dates. With some friends, we talk once a week; with others, it's every couple of weeks.

One close friend has a four-year-old, so I wait until her daughter is asleep for us to catch up, and if she's too exhausted, we just reschedule for the next week. Once you're my friend, you're a lifer.

Fernanda: Life is truly better with friends. Society places so much emphasis on careers, romantic partnerships, and the nuclear family, but friendships deserve just as much credit because they add immense value.

Danielle Frouws: Friendships offer a unique sense of freedom. I feel like I can be my authentic self in a different way with my friends than with family or a partner.

You hand-select your friends. They become your chosen family.

Fernanda: Chosen family is such a powerful concept, especially for people who might not be close to their biological families.

Meetups and events are great places to propagate connections, but they're just the starting point.

Danielle Frouws: Exactly. Group events give you a glimpse of someone, like reading the back cover of a book in a bookstore.

As an introvert, I feel much safer and more comfortable one-on-one. Meeting for coffee is like opening the book and reading the first few chapters to really get to know the person.

Fernanda: That connects to why I have a pet peeve about large group chats. In a big group chat, people aren't really connecting; it's more like an announcement board where messages easily get lost or ignored.

Danielle Frouws: I'm not a fan of big group chats either. They serve a logistical purpose for making plans, but the communication feels performative and prioritizes quantity over quality.

We already deal with an influx of notifications from social media all day. True connection happens one-on-one.

Fernanda: Let's get out of the group chats, meet up in real life, or just send a thoughtful one-on-one message instead!

Danielle, thank you so much for being my very first guest on the podcast. Can you share where listeners can find you if they want to connect or learn more about your therapy practice?

Danielle Frouws: You can visit my website at danielfrouws.com, where you can find my social media links and reach out if you have questions about therapy or just want to connect.

Fernanda: I'll make sure to include all your links in the show notes. Thank you so much, Danielle!

To all our listeners, thank you for tuning in to this first guest episode. If you're interested in being a guest on Filled Cups to talk about connection, life, and relationships, feel free to reach out. Have a wonderful rest of your day, and keep filling your cups!