Healing Is Not Linear: A Conversation on Trauma, Identity & Finding Yourself Again Caroline Wienecke

Trigger warning. There's a brief mention of traumatic experience related to sexual assault in this episode.

Fernanda: Welcome back to Connectedness, the podcast where we explore the relationships, experiences, and the moments that help us better understand ourselves and one another. Today's conversation is one that I think will resonate with many people because we're talking about something that almost everyone experiences in one form or another, adversity, loss, trauma, and the journey back to ourselves. Our guest today is Carolyn Wienecke, an author, entrepreneur, and storyteller whose work explores resilience, connection, and the complexities of the human experience.

Through both her professional work, building meaningful relationships and her writing, Caroline examines how people navigate life's most difficult moments and ultimately find healing and hope. Her novel, Finding You, tells the story of a woman learning to reclaim her voice after trauma and discovering that healing doesn't happen in isolation. It happens through courage, connection, and community. Today, we'll explore Caroline's own journey, what inspired her to tell these stories, how trauma can shape identity, and why speaking openly about difficult experiences can be one of the most powerful acts of personal growth. Caroline, welcome to connectedness.

Caroline: Thank you so much. I'm so happy to be here talking with you today.

Fernanda: Awesome. Thank you. So before we talk about healing, I'd love to start with your own story. Who was Caroline before the experiences that shaped the person that you are today?

Caroline: Yeah. Well, I think the person that I am today has been continuously changing through the experiences that I've had. So I think when we're young, we're definitely, I think most of us are much more wide open, carefree. And that was certainly me. Then through experiences that I've had, I've become a little bit more reserved and quieter and then also learned the value of the people around me. I was much more independent, wanted to do everything on my own, not talk to anybody about what was going on in my life, and just kind of that suffer in silence and put a good front forward. And I think that I've gotten the opportunity to learn that the real power of connection and growth and healing comes when you are vulnerable with people and you are authentic with people. Because then we can all relate a little more to each other and build this village and in community with ourselves.

Fernanda: Nice. So was there a particular moment or season in your life when you realized that you were no longer living as your authentic self?

Caroline: Yeah. I think and I wrote about this in my book, but I think directly after experiencing a traumatic event, I had this huge and abrupt shift in the way that I existed in the world around me. I personally was much more timid and much more scared and I was having a hard time kind of turning off that broken part inside of me when I was out in public with people and being happy and bubbly and everything is great. And I was trying to do that cuz that's what I did before. If anything was going on with me, I would shove it down like I think most people do and pretend everything was fine. And because of what happened to me, I was having a much harder time pretending that everything was fine.

I tried to for a really long time, but you know, it catches up to you and it did to me. So, I was almost forced to bring in the people around me and share with them and let them know that I wasn't okay and I wasn't happy go lucky and fine and that there was something bigger going on with me. And I didn't have any answers at the time. And honestly, the only answers I have are from what worked for me and experience, but it was just like I don't know how to find myself. I don't know who I am right now.

Fernanda: Wow. That must have been so painful. And I'm happy to hear that you did reach out to your people, your community, the people near you, and you chose to share that vulnerability instead of keeping to yourself, right? Caroline, question about the book. The book it's called Finding Yourself and your main character's name is Alice. What what did Alice go through that that made her have to heal and find herself?

Caroline: Yeah. I will just put a quick trigger warning if anyone is interested in reading the book. It is a very hard read. Elise experienced a sexual assault. And that goes definitely into detail in the book, but that's what trauma she endured. And then had to experience how to be a new version of herself after that and find the version of herself that wasn't just this broken person. It's called finding you beyond broken pieces because I think especially with sexual assault victims, one of the things that you do feel is shame and brokenness. And her part of her journey was finding out that she was more than what happened to her.

Fernanda: This the title of your book is finding you. What does finding yourself mean to you?

Caroline: It was something that I was told really early on. And the phrase itself frustrated me cuz I didn't know what that meant. What do you mean I have to find I don't know what I like. I don't know what will bring me joy. I didn't have as much of an identity cuz I was still, you know, young and trying to figure out who I was at the same time like the things that I liked. And so it's like, okay, I have to find the old version of myself, but that didn't work. Because I couldn't turn off and I couldn't perform the way that I wanted to in public and shove everything down.

And so I think the main character, Alice, I mimicked her journey and path to my own and that she kind of just fumbled through figuring out who she was. She had to try new things to see if she liked them. She had to admit to the people around her that she wasn't okay and that itself was okay. And kind of finding this new vulnerable version of herself caused her to be more authentic to people around her and then caused her to form closer and more intimate relationships with people around her because she was and I think that is a big key to to an authentic relationship with people and having that closeness is being your true self and when you're not okay saying that and when you are okay more showing up for other people when you have more capacity.

Fernanda: Wow, that's so um inspirational. And you went through something like this at such a young age, I think. At least to me, everyone looks like babies to me from where I'm standing. And then you became a storyteller, you started writing your book and you have other books coming and things like what what role did storytelling play in helping you better understand your own experience?

Caroline: Yeah, I'm really grateful for the way that happened for me in writing. I actually never intended to write a book. I had always been big on writing journal entries because sometimes like my feelings just get trapped in my head and I don't know what how to express them. So, I can I'm good at writing them down. And so, that's kind of what I did. I had a lot of sleepless nights quite a few months in a row where I wasn't able to sleep at night and it's quiet and it's dark and so I would just get up and move and write, try to get everything that was swirling around in my head on paper and through that helped me reread it and see it.

And then as I turned it into this book, this story, Alice's story, it was no longer mine. And I could formulate it and express it as if it was just a whole another story of another person. And I got to base characters off of people in my life and hers. And so that really helped me one separate from it, I think, because it was consuming me in a way that I needed to get it out of my own bubble and then also express it to other people.

Fernanda: And healing. Something I heard from somebody else from one of the influencers I follow, her name is Alex L. She wrote a book called How We Heal. And one of her biggest messages about healing is that healing is not linear. That it can backtrack and you can take two steps forward, three steps back and it manifests in different ways. So it's more messy than people might want it to be. Right. And your message to readers speaks about how trauma changes not just what happens to us but who we become afterwards. How did that idea emerge from your own experience?

Caroline: Yeah. And I love that you said that healing isn't linear cuz it's not. And still I'm finding that, you know, I'd like to say I'm all healed and better now, but I still find ways that it's affected my life and changed me. I think that when you go through something and you kind of learn from what happened to you in kind of a worst case scenario, you know, we're told different ways to protect ourselves in, you know, you lock the doors to your car so no one breaks in. But until someone breaks in your car, you don't really see the weight of that. I forgot to lock it. It's totally fine. No worries.

So I think that when you go through something, it changes how you look at the world and how you protect yourself and the signs that you look for. So for me, I've seen that I'm I've kind of put a guard up in maybe a positive way and protected myself more. I used to love this version of me that was so risk averse and carefree and wide open and say yes to everything and I'm affected by nothing. But that's just not how life works. And now I didn't want to become afraid, right, of what the world could do. But I learned to like love the version of myself that is thoughtful and and closer with people around me. I think in a way I've become a lot softer and more empathetic and I move a little slower now. And I like that version of me.

Fernanda: More discerning also about so that you can be more cautious and protect yourself. And that's a good thing, right?

Caroline: Yeah.

Fernanda: Yeah. That's a hard lesson to have have had to learn, but it's important, I think. Yeah. So, what's the hardest part of healing that nobody prepared you for?

Caroline: I think the hardest part is that you have to live through it. This is something that I've gotten the opportunity to talk to people about and it's that biggest like. I just spoke with a woman recently and I shared my book with her and she shared with me a traumatic experience she just had and how she would be living her life and a sound would trigger this sense of panic inside of her and that she was safe and there was nothing going on around her but just a familiar sound triggered her. And it's it's the same thing that I experienced.

The hardest part was you still have to live your life. You cannot sit at home and wait to be totally healed and totally better and then go outside and live. And that at any time anything can happen. So learning how to handle and cope with when a strong sense of panic comes because in my life and I'm lucky enough to have never experienced anxiety or panic attacks before this happened. And then I experienced them very often. So, at first I didn't know how to handle it and I didn't know how to stop it. But then I got a hold of it better. And when those feelings started to creep in, I knew what to do To kind of put them at bay if I was at the wrong place at the wrong time and then feel them later and be sure I felt them later.

Because I do think that if we continue to trap feelings inside of us so we don't feel it, it's worse. Like you know when people say like if you need to cry cry and then once you do you'll feel better. I was always someone that never wanted to cry. So I would hold it in and hold it in and hold it in and turns out they were right and once you cry just for a few minutes you feel better afterwards and you can move on from it.

Fernanda: Yeah that's a good point. Feel your feelings. Let yourself connect with what you really need and if you are having those issues of panic attacks or anxiety you know you live you have to find the right help or find coping mechanisms to live to work through those and give yourself grace through it as well. If you miss a meeting you miss a meeting like it is not the end of the world. I think I had the pressure of the world on my shoulders as I was healing. And it's okay. You are not always going to be the most perfect version of yourself and that is okay. Yeah. Is there like when it comes to living your life again, like you said, you have to live your life, right? Like do you if somebody was listening to this and they had the similar experience and they're feeling like they're not really living their life. They're just kind of shelled and trying to protect themselves, which is totally understandable. But what would you recommend to somebody? Any tips or suggestions of how somebody can get back to living their lives?

Caroline: Yeah, I would say the first step was would be to make sure you bring someone in. The worst part of that is getting stuck in isolation. My reaction afterwards was not to stay home. It was to pretend nothing had happened and keep living my life and that didn't came to a head. But it wasn't until I brought people into what was going on around me that no matter how you react, whether it's it's isolate yourself or it's pretend everything is fine. If you talk to people around you, that gets it out of you. And that helps you start to work through it.

So, I would say if that's something that you're dealing with, you don't have to push yourself to go out. I mean, it could be as simple as like being outside and going for a walk with a friend, you know, like making sure that you are stepping into the sun. Vitamins are very good for you. Just feeling the ground beneath your feet and reminding yourself that it's there. And sharing with those around you. And you would be surprised, we're all going through something. People will open up to you, too. And it will help realizing that your world is not the only world. It kind of gets you out of that bubble of chaos.

Fernanda: Yes. Put yourself. Reach out. Go out in nature. Those are all good things. So, talk a little bit about your writing and finding your voice. Like your writing highlights the courage that it takes to speak up after trauma. Why is finding your voice often so difficult?

Caroline: I think it's difficult because people don't do it very often and if they do, it's not a common thing that you casually hear about. It's also really hard because when you do speak up, you're going to be hit with everyone's opinion. It's no longer just your bubble. You're hit with the world around you and their reactions and finding the strength to hear those is challenging but worth it. And I went through seasons of my life where I regretted speaking up and then was grateful that I did. And like you said, healing isn't linear. So, you know, you have moments.

And I at first I wrote about Elise's admission to sometimes regretting saying anything. And the reason I said that was because I wanted people to know that it isn't just... you say everything and then everything is great and everyone cheers you on and you feel great about the decision that you made. Because it's back and forth and it's messy. But it is so important because it's the only reason that I was able to come out on the other side of it. When I was alone and it consumed me.

Fernanda: And is there an element of this about like, were you thinking that maybe sharing your story would help others and did you get feedback from your readers?

Caroline: Yeah. The crazy thing is the first thing I thought was because I wasn't planning on writing a book, let alone publishing it. It was just to write it and get it out. And for me, I had such a hard time saying the words. Like any emotion I had, speaking it was so challenging for me. I mean, I used to have times where I would try to tell someone how I felt and we would just be sitting in silence cuz I couldn't even get the words out of my mouth. So, for me, writing it down was the way that I learned to express it. I would even read it how I felt or what was going on with me to people. So I did. I wrote out of necessity for myself and then everything that came after that was just something that I hadn't thought of and planned.

And it was people have come to me and they have shared their own stories with me and they have found their courage to speak up after reading this book and that has made aside from me finding myself and healing through writing the book that has made it so worth it to me. I have never once regretted speaking up since hearing other people find their strength. Because that's the point, right? It's really hard to speak up because you don't hear people do it and it's really hard to be vulnerable first. So, if I can be if I can use this book to kind of open up that vulnerable conversation, that's the most amazing thing for me.

Fernanda: And thanks for your courage to put this out there in the world and to challenge folks that we should be talking about these difficult experiences. Might not always be all puppies and rainbows after sharing something but it's doesn't mean that it shouldn't be shared. Do you have any any thoughts on creating safe spaces where people could feel comfortable sharing their difficult experiences?

Caroline: Yeah, that's a really great idea. One of the things that I want to do with my book and then as I write my other one which is also on a a difficult not what not commonly discussed topic is that the book just be the conversation starter and to do more workshops and discussion groups that are you know just where people can come together and talk and share their own stories and relate with each other. you know, we have groups for people going through hard life events and I want this to be another way that we can come together and talk. So I'm currently working out ways to do that so that people can come and feel comfortable and anonymously share their stories.

Fernanda: Okay, that sounds good. And so when you like. Our podcast is called connectedness, you know about filled cups like when you think about connection with others. How do you think that shaped your healing journey?

Caroline: Well it's vital it shaped my healing journey 100%. Like I said before I was very isolated. I didn't need anybody and I was big into networking. I had a ton of friends. I had a ton of connections, but I was still isolated. I did not share anything really personal about myself and I certainly did not know how to ask for help. So that's who I was. I was very independent, very isolated. I needed nothing from no one. And through this I was almost forced to ask. And then after that became more comfortable with it.

So there are so many people in my life that I wouldn't be who I am today and I wouldn't be where I am today without them. And not just a career moving forward way but in a I am who I am today because I shared with people and became close with them. There were people who let me stay with them when I was scared to stay alone. There are people who sat there and listened to every rewritten version of a monologue that I wrote in my book over and over and over again. And there are people that just sat there with me and advised me and showed up when I did ask for help, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done.

So, being connected and having relationships with people starts with, for me starts with being vulnerable and authentic and asking for help because as much as it's really easy to show up for someone when they ask, it's not so easy to ask for yourself. So it is a two-way street in that regard. So yeah, I I think that people are everything and I would definitely not be who I am today without the close relationships that I have.

Fernanda: That's wonderful. So I'm looking at my last few questions and I'm thinking are there things we haven't talked about today that you would want the audience to know about you or that you're looking to do right now or what are you still learning?

Caroline: Yeah. I think you know I'm still learning how to be vulnerable with people. I say it because it works and I know it and I've seen it. It's still not very easy for me to do. And I have my few people that I open up to. But I think the main thing is if you don't have anyone in your life to open up to and I didn't at first or I didn't know of anyone that I had, you just kind of have to start. And not everyone will be a close and intimate and productive connection with you, and that's okay. Sometimes people are for a season and they help you survive and get through things, and they're not meant to help you thrive and grow. And sometimes people are meant to help you thrive and grow.

So, kind of just starting and then through your experience with talking to people and opening up, that's where you can find the discernment for who is productive in your life and who isn't. And you can never figure that out without starting, right? So there are so many ways to connect, especially in Charlotte. I mean, I've lived in this city my whole life and just recently within the past few years have I found all the ways that you can connect with people through networking and through social groups. I mean there are groups and ways to get together with anyone and everyone at any time. So finding those and starting there. Yeah.

Fernanda: So one last question. If you could leave our audience with one message about healing, courage and connection, what would it be?

Caroline: I would say that no matter where you are in your healing journey, whether you've just recently gone through something and you feel the most broken you've ever felt or whether you feel like you are somewhat put together in trying to move forward and thrive in this position in your life, I would just say that one step at a time and one day at a time and you do not have to be perfect today and you do not have to be perfect tomorrow. And if you can't sleep and you get up and you write your thoughts down, that's okay. And showing up who you are is okay. And you don't have to be perfect tomorrow.

I think that was the hardest thing for me was I I just wanted to heal and that it takes time and oh my gosh, I hate that everything takes time, but it does. And just because we don't like things doesn't mean that they aren't true. Yeah. So be okay in the fact that it takes time and that wherever you're at today is okay.

Fernanda: Right. Thank you. And Caroline, where can people find you? Where, if people want to find out more about you, your book, where can they find you?

Caroline: Yeah, the easiest way is to go on my website, which is just my name, carolinewienecke.com. I'm also on Instagram and LinkedIn, just Caroline Wienecke. And you can connect with me there, DMs, or on my website. There's a way to connect and message me if you have more questions or just want to chat.

Fernanda: Caroline, thank you so much for sharing your story and your insights with us today. One of the themes that stood out in this conversation is that the healing isn't about erasing what happened to us. It's about learning how to carry our experiences, reconnect with ourselves, and discover that we don't have to walk through life's hardest moments alone. Whether you are navigating trauma, searching for your voice, or simply trying to better understand yourself, I hope today's conversation reminds you that growth often begins with connection to ourselves, to others, and to the stories that we are willing to share.

If you would like to learn more about Caroline and her work, including her novel, Finding You, we'll include the links in the show notes. Thank you for listening to Connectedness. If this episode resonated with you, please share it with someone who you who might benefit. And please like and subscribe. And until next time, stay open and stay connected.