Friendships Don’t Just Happen | How to Build Deeper Adult Friendships (Shasta Nelson Book Review)

Fernanda: Hi friends, welcome to Connectedness. I'm Fernanda, your host and founder of Filled Cups. And this is the space where we explore what it means to grow, to connect, to trust ourselves, and to show up authentically with each other.

Today I want to talk about a book that has been resonating with me. It was a recommendation from one of my former podcast guests, friendship coach Zane, from episodes 21 and 22. He mentioned this book called Friendships Don't Just Happen! by Shasta Nelson. I'm actually still listening to it on audiobook, but I got so excited that I decided to do a little podcast episode about it to share the main teachings of the book.

We've already established we're in a world where we often feel disconnected, overscheduled, or unsure how to build deeper relationships. This book offers a lot of comfort and clarity. Shasta reminds us that meaningful friendships are not accidental—they're intentional. They grow when we understand what actually creates closeness and when we are willing to invest in the process.

So in this episode, I'm going to walk you through the core lessons of the book, including the powerful model Shasta uses to explain how friendships form, grow, and sometimes drift. If you've ever wondered why some friendships feel easy while others stall, or how to deepen the connections you already have, this conversation is for you.

So, let's start with the beginning: Why do friendships feel so much harder in adulthood?

Sometimes we assume that friendships just happen, and that's a myth. There are several other myths—for example, that you'll just click with your people, or if it's meant to be, it will be effortless. The truth is that friendship is a skill and a process. Loneliness isn't a personal failure; it's often a structural or effort imbalance issue.

I was listening to the book earlier, and she said something about loneliness that I had never thought of that way. She said that loneliness is a signal in our bodies like hunger. When we're hungry, it's a signal that we need to eat, or if we're thirsty, it's a signal that we need to drink some water.

So, if we're lonely, it's a signal that we need to connect—we need to find ways to connect with other people. I had never thought of loneliness that way. Now that she brought that up, I think I'm going to start looking at loneliness in a different way, which is actually quite monumental considering how much I think about these things.

If friendship doesn't just happen, what does make it happen?

Her core model says that there are three requirements for friendship. Her fundamental framework includes consistency, vulnerability, and positivity.

Consistency includes time and repeated interaction. Proximity matters—for example, physical proximity or emotional proximity—and regular exposure builds familiarity and safety. Without consistency, friendships are going to stall.

Here's some reflection for us: Where in our lives could we increase consistency with people that we value? I had a video on Instagram the other day where I talked about how it's so hard when we're all so busy, and all of a sudden we realize that we haven't seen some of our friends in like three months.

Time is going by fast, we're busy, people are working, they have projects, travel, and holidays. One of the things I'm trying is to incorporate co-working more with some of my friends. Another thing I'm trying is to incorporate regular dinners, having people over for dinner. We'll see how that works.

Her second framework is vulnerability, which means gradual sharing, emotional honesty, and moving beyond logistics and surface updates. Vulnerability must be mutual and paced.

This is a balance. If you meet somebody and you're super vulnerable, and then they are not vulnerable with you, then there's an imbalance. And if you don't feel safe to be emotionally honest, then you're definitely not going to be vulnerable with them.

Her point about moving beyond logistics and surface updates is so important. If a friend and I go out to coffee and all we talk about is, "How's everything going? Where are you going on your next trip? What are you painting your house?"—those are not vulnerable topics.

When we're together with friends, we need to remember that, first of all, the time is precious. Second of all, let's make good use of our time together to share what we feel comfortable sharing. Oversharing too quickly can feel unsafe, and vulnerability should build over time.

Who in your life knows the real you right now? I had to sit with that one because I know a lot of people; I'm a social butterfly, and I love meeting new people and making new friends. But sometimes I feel like my friends don't really know me.

I do have a few friends who know me and who I'm sharing with, but there are a lot of friends that I simply haven't had the opportunity or don't feel safe enough to share with yet. That's something to think about: How can we create real connection and not just acquaintances?

The third part of her framework is positivity: warm affirmation, shared joy, feeling good around somebody, and having emotional generosity with each other. It's the importance of appreciation and encouragement.

I appreciate that in some of my friends who are very supportive and encouraging of me, and I try to be the same—sometimes I joke that I'm being the cheerleader. But we're here to build each other up, and without positivity, relationships feel heavy or draining.

Another thing she talks about is the Friendship Triangle model. Basically, she's saying that these three elements—consistency, vulnerability, and positivity—form a triangle. If one side is weak, the relationship can't fully deepen, so strong friendships require balance between those three things.

A friendship where there is consistency and positivity, but no vulnerability, means it's friendly, but it's shallow. Vulnerability and positivity without consistency means it's intense, but it's unstable. And consistency and vulnerability without positivity means it's emotionally close, but it's heavy.

This model helps normalize why some friendships feel like they're stuck and not moving forward.

Then she talks about the different types of friends, categorizing them by depth and function:

• Acquaintances: Friendly, light, and situational.

• Casual friends: People that share activities and some personal knowledge.

• Close friends: Emotional depth and consistent support.

• Intimate friends: Deep mutual vulnerability and strong emotional investment.

Not every friendship needs to be intimate to be valuable. We need layers. It's okay to have some friends that are in the acquaintance realm or in the common interest realm, some that are consistent, and some that are intimate. Sometimes friends can move from one layer to another.

It's totally okay to diversify your friendship portfolio. In a way, it's like you're safeguarding your social circle for the future.

People can move, have kids, get a divorce, or go through major life changes. It's good to have a variety of friends so you're not putting all your eggs in one basket, where if that person's life changes a lot, all of a sudden you don't have friends again.

Here are some practical lessons from this book:

• Don't wait to be invited—initiate contact and initiate plans.

• Schedule connection like you schedule work.

• Express appreciation regularly.

• Normalize naming the friendship, like saying, "I value our friendship," or "You're a really good friend of mine."

• Stop expecting one person to meet all your relational needs. That's never going to happen—our partners can't meet all of our needs, and definitely not our friends either.

Let's reflect for a bit on those three sides of the triangle: consistency, vulnerability, and positivity. Think about yourself in a friendship: Which side do you naturally offer, and which side do you struggle with? Where are you expecting intimacy without investment, and who might be waiting for you to reach out?

To be fully honest with you guys, I think I do okay with the consistency and the positivity, but I might not do as well with the vulnerability. That's something for me to think about as I continue trying to deepen friendships.

Am I expecting intimacy without an investment? Maybe. I invest a lot in my friendships, but now I have to think: Are there people that maybe I should invest in more if I'm expecting more intimacy from them?

And who might be waiting for me to reach out? I hope not a lot of people, because I'm always reaching out, but I've got to take a look at my contact list. That's a good habit to keep: don't let your friends go uncontacted for a very long period of time.

As I reflect on Friendships Don't Just Happen!, what stands out the most is that connection is not about luck—it's about intention. Friendship isn't just reserved for the extroverted, the lucky, or the socially gifted. It's something we build slowly, imperfectly, and courageously.

If this episode resonated with you, I encourage you to take one small action this week. Send a text, schedule a coffee, express appreciation, or open up just a little more. We don't need more followers—we need more consistency, more vulnerability, and more positivity.

Thank you for spending this time with me today. If this episode felt meaningful, share it with a friend and share it with gratitude; tell them that you're grateful for them. Maybe that can be your small act of connection this week.

Until next time, let's keep growing, keep trusting ourselves, and keep showing up authentically.