Friendship Grief, Ghosting & Choosing People Who Choose You | The Company We Keep

Fernanda: Hi everyone, welcome back to the Connectedness podcast. This is Fernanda, your host, and I'm back after a brief hiatus. When I was in Denver, Colorado visiting my friend Rachel during the last episode, I think I caught some kind of bug, either the flu or maybe COVID. I don't know, I didn't get tested, but I am back here today with a solo episode.

I'm so excited to share with you about this book that I read. I actually listened to it on audiobook, and I think I probably listened to it about three times, or maybe three and a half times if I'm being honest. That's because there were so many great nuggets of wisdom in this book, and I just got really excited about being able to share this book with you all.

The name of the book is called The Company We Keep by Alexandra Elle. The tagline says, "The company we keep: friendship, connections, and redefining what it means to grow together." This book just came out, I believe, a few months ago in 2026. Alexandra Elle—or she also goes by Alex Elle—wrote another book a few years ago called How We Heal, which was transformational for me. I loved that book so much, did all the exercises, and at the time I became a super fan of Alex. I listen to all her podcast episodes and follow her on Instagram. She is just so wise and has so many great things to say.

I'm going to go through some of the high points about this book. Alexandra Elle is a best-selling author, a certified breathwork coach, and a restorative writing teacher. The book guides readers through building emotionally safe friendships, and that means communicating honestly, taking responsibility for their own patterns, and choosing people who show up with consistency and care. It is especially healing for anyone grieving a friendship that ended, recovering from ghosting, or learning to stop shrinking themselves to be loved.

So why am I talking about this book today? Before I summarize anything, I love this book and I've been holding it close. I'm a huge Alex Elle fan, and I already talked about her earlier books. I also own her affirmation cards, and I was so anxiously awaiting for this book to come out because this year I actually lost two friendships, and it was very painful. I'm still grieving those and processing those losses.

I think this has been a signal for me to look at my attachment wounds and to look at my fears around abandonment when it comes to friendships and relationships. So with Alex talking about this in this book, it couldn't have been more timely. I listened to it, then I went back and listened to it again. Many times while I was listening, I felt like Alex was verbalizing everything that was inside my head with regards to friendship losses. If you are hurting right now over a friendship loss, I hope you can get some good lessons out of this episode, and I highly, highly recommend that you pick up this book.

So, what is The Company We Keep about? Alex writes about the friendships that shape us, stretch us, and sometimes hurt us. She shares her own journey of learning to stop abandoning herself in the name of loyalty. She invites readers to look honestly at their relationships, looking at the ones they nurture and the ones they've outgrown. Each chapter closes with a reflection and some questions, which is where a lot of the healing happens.

The audiobook is narrated by Alex herself. She has a very soothing voice, and it feels like you're sitting with a friend right next to you. She wrote an essay when she was announcing the book on Substack, and in that essay, she described a deep tiredness that many of us carry. We are tired from explaining ourselves, from staying in conversations that drain us, and from holding on to relationships that feel familiar but no longer feel like home.

Her answer is that most of us do not need more people. We just need to find the right people, and we need the courage to be honest when the connection has changed.

Now, who can resonate with this? I can definitely resonate with this because of my abandonment issues. I feel like I've held on to relationships for too long because I fear change, like I fear people leaving my life. So this year has been a good opportunity for me to do some reflection and see: are there people in my life that I've been holding on to by sheer force of will that maybe I can just let go, and let the people who want to be in my life be in my life?

The lessons from the book that stayed with me... the big one is that emotional safety is a gift that we give each other. Alex describes emotional safety as knowing you can express your feelings authentically without fear of judgment or rejection. It's the experience of being seen, heard, and loved exactly as you are. As someone who is rebuilding trust after a rejection, I found this definition deeply moving. It gave me a standard to hold on to for the friendships that I choose and the friend that I want to be.

From now on, I'm going to be remembering the emotional safety piece: Do I feel safe to say something to this person without feeling that they're going to reject me or that they're going to be confrontational with me?

Another lesson that she brought up in one of the stories in the chapters is a green flag that she saw in a single text message. She shared a story about a friend who reached out to her after having been quiet for a while and said, "I'm quiet because..." and explained why. It was something going on in her life—she was very busy, and she didn't feel like she had the bandwidth to give Alex the friendship energy that she usually does. Alex felt like this small act gave her a sense of emotional safety, consideration, and care.

When I read about it, I thought about my own ghosting experience and how much a simple explanation would have meant to me. Communication like that is a green flag, and it showed me how much peace comes from people who tell us where they are instead of disappearing.

Alex stopped tolerating ghosting. She's clear that she's no longer willing to accept it, and she reflects on how ghosting has become the go-to in many superficial relationships and how fleeing at the first sign of friction is almost encouraged nowadays. That landed so hard for me. Hearing her say that we deserve more than silence helped me stop asking "What's wrong with me?" and start asking "What do I really want to protect in my relationships and friendships?"

Many of us were never taught to use our words. Alex acknowledges that a lot of us didn't learn how to communicate our feelings in relationships. I found so much compassion in that, both for the people who hurt me and for myself. Learning to speak up is a skill, and this book offers a gentle place to practice it.

Scarcity can hide the people already around us. Alex reflects on a season when she believed that she lacked friends and how a scarcity mindset kept her from noticing the people who were already in her life. I paused this audiobook after this part because I realized I've been so focused on who left that I had not fully appreciated those who stayed. I'm making corrections to that now and trying to nurture the people who want to be in my life.

Not everyone is on the same healing path either. Alex reminds us that people are at different stages of growth, which helps explain misalignment. She encourages readers to prioritize reciprocity and intentionality. She describes misaligned relationships as the ones that leave us drained or feeling unsafe.

Sometimes, she says, a boundary is really a wall built from fear. I love this one because it asks for gentle honesty. Alex points out that people can believe they are setting a boundary when they're actually putting up a barrier out of fear. It made me look at my own protective habits with tenderness and curiosity.

Alex is a believer in affirmations, and I am too. I love her affirmations. This book gave me some new affirmations that I'm going to be adding to my daily practice, such as:

• "In this season of life, I'm choosing people who choose me, and I'm making room for reciprocal, nourishing relationships."

• "I appreciate people who match my effort, because there is something beautiful about connecting with folks who want me to feel seen, heard, and valued."

• "I'm worthy of the same love, support, and care that I give to others, and I'm allowed to take up space without worrying about being too much."

• "I deserve relationships that feed my soul and help me grow, and the right people will hear me with their whole hearts, honor my needs, and show me through their actions that I am cherished."

Wow. What do you guys think about these affirmations? I invite you to write your own versions and place them somewhere you'll see them every day. What I do is record my affirmations and play them to myself when I'm brushing my teeth in the morning.

I looked at Goodreads reviews to see what other readers are saying about the book. When I looked, it had a 4.11 average rating with 328 ratings. Many readers described it as healing, validating, and perfectly timed, especially if they're navigating friendship changes, moving to a new city, or recovering from people-pleasing. Several recommended the audiobook because of Alex's comforting narration.

A few readers had a different experience, and I think it's worth acknowledging. Some found it to be repetitive, and others felt like the conversations in the book resolve more gracefully than they would in real life. One reader shared that her friendship style is more low-key, and that frequent check-ins and deep conversations feel like a lot to her.

I appreciate that honesty because it reminds us that the book works best as a mirror and a set of gentle questions, and that everyone's different. People have different needs for friendships. I personally resonate more with Alex Elle's style of friendship—very deep, very connected—but I can understand if somebody doesn't have the same need. Each of us gets to decide what fits us for our own friendships.

So, who should read this book? Please pick this up if you are grieving a friendship breakup, if you're healing from ghosting or rejection, if you're feeling lonely in a full calendar, or if you're tired of giving more than you receive. It's also a wonderful companion for recovering people-pleasers and for anyone who's ready to be a safer, more honest friend. If you love journaling, the reflection questions will keep you busy for weeks.

My invitation to you and to myself is: let's be more emotionally safe friends. Here's my hope for everyone who listens to this podcast: I hope you will pick up this book, and I hope you will take what you learn and bring it into your friendships.

Let's commit to being emotionally safe friends—the kind of people who make others feel seen and heard. Let's tell the truth with kindness, even when it feels uncomfortable. Let's explain our silence when we need space so no one is left guessing. Let's look for alignment in our friendships, and let me honor reciprocity by showing up for the people who show up for us. Let's also be gentle with ourselves when we are still learning how to do all of this.

If you want a community that cares about this kind of connection, I would love to welcome you to Filled Cups. Come to an upcoming event, bring your open heart, and let's practice together.

If a friendship has ended for you, I hope you feel less alone after watching this. Grief and growth can live side by side, and I'm learning to hold both with a softer heart.

Thank you for being here. I would love to hear what you're reading, what you are healing from, and who you are choosing to keep close right now. If you liked this episode of the Connectedness podcast, please don't forget to like, subscribe, and share it with a friend who might benefit from it.

Thank you very much, and let's all stay connected.