Filtering out the people that are not for us

Link to episode on Youtube: https://youtu.be/QKjcvWZWHHQ?si=Kog7gMOjOKjbUCd7

Hello friends. Welcome back to connectedness. I'm Fernanda, your host and founder of Filled Cups. And this is

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a space where we explore what it means to grow, connect, to trust ourselves,

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and to show up authentically with each other. Today's conversation is one many of us feel but rarely talk about.

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What happens when we meet someone and realize this isn't this just isn't it?

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or when a friendship that once felt aligned begins to feel off.

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In this episode, we're going to explore how to filter out the people who are not for us, not with judgment or drama, but

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with self-rust, self-reflection, and intention. We'll talk about evaluating friendships through the lens of our

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values. how to tune out emotional responses and what it really means to let go of connections that no longer serve our growth.

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Let's get into it.

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So, why does this feel kind of taboo to talk about? At least for me, it does because there's a lot of social pressure

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for us to be nice and keep up the peace.

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People are have fear of feeling like being seen like they're too picky or cold or judgmental. And I think

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at least what I've seen is there seems to be an unspoken belief of if there's no big falling out, we should keep

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people in our lives. But truthfully, not everyone is meant to walk with us long term.

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This is a little bit tricky. How do you know that? How how do you decide that?

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What if it's decided for you? Um or if you decide to let go of a relationship,

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how do you go about doing that?

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uh personally my beliefs and I have not done this perfectly in um in the past is

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when I've decided to walk away from a friendship uh there has been times when it became

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clear over time after having given that person a chance and getting to know them and seeing how they responded to certain things.

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there were uh I I I might not have handled it um in a more in an

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emotionally mature way. Maybe I was afraid or maybe I just wasn't ready or I wasn't

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emotionally mature enough to have the frank discussion with the person to give that person closure. And um I I'm

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ashamed to admit that I likely used the ghosting method, which is not great. Um

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or the uh thought whatever the the there's another expression for this that I forgot right now, but it's when you kind of like let the person go gently.

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like if they send you a message, you reply politely, but you don't engage or you don't like make plans for the future

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or anything like that. That was a method that I've used before. Um, another time that this was a very long time ago, it

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became apparent that um, the person that I decided not to be friends with,

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uh, they weren't going to disappear from my life if I if I did it gently or if I

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didn't talk about it. So, I actually did break up with that friend like explicitly.

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And uh, I feel a lot of peace from that breakup. I feel like I gave I was honest.

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They knew where I stood.

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Whenever I saw them again, I didn't feel the pressure to engage with them in a friendly way. Like I wasn't mean or rude

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to them, but I also wasn't like pretending to be their fake friend. Uh I was they knew where I stood. They knew that I didn't want to continue the

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friendship. So in a way that was actually a much cleaner breakup. Um and I didn't feel after after I had that frank discussion with that person.

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It was fine. Like I was everything was fine. She they were fine. I was fine. Um so I guess that would be my recommendation.

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But let's talk a little bit about this. Um let's do a little reality check here.

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Adult friendships are complex.

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There's limited time. There's limited energy, limited emotional bandwidth.

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There's a lot of competing responsibilities.

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Work, family, parenting, people going through their healing journeys or their personal growth journeys.

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Friendships, they require a lot of intention and not just proximity or shared history. Not every connection is going to go deep and that's okay.

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And some people are in our lives for a brief moment. Some people are in our lives for decades. And it's okay if

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somebody is in they say that you can have friends for a season uh for a reason and for a lifetime,

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right? And that's okay. Um, so as we're meeting, we're out there, we're being social, we're putting ourselves out there, we're hanging out with new people,

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how do we evaluate potential friends or existing friendships?

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The here's a framework for us to think about uh when we're doing this. One one way to evaluate is through doing a

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values check. Um, do we share the same core values? for example, respect,

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kindness, and gener uh reciprocity or do they live in alignment with what

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they say they believe? That's something that human beings are we are very well trained to catch on is when somebody

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says something but then they don't walk the talk. that's an inongruent

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um value um that that can it can be very clear to to pick up on um there that's

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that's one way to look at it and how do you find out about somebody's values really it's asking talking sometimes people will be a lot more

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upfront with their values or sometimes they'll show their values by what their actions are so it does it's not

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something you can evaluate instantaneously. It might take a few different times of hanging out with the

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person or um yeah, it's part of the get to know you

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process, right? Um then there's consist there's oh there's energy on it. Do I

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feel drained? Do I feel anxious? Or do I feel unseen after spending time with

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them? Is this connection some someone I look forward to meeting the or do I feel

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like I'm obligating myself? If you're feeling those feelings, it could be that maybe that person is just not the right

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person for you. But I would also recommend that you do a little bit of introspection because sometimes, you know, we all have ups and downs in our

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moods and sometimes the feeling you're feeling has nothing to do with the person and has everything to do with you and how you are feeling about yourself.

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So that's just a watch out there. Uh if you're feeling like you don't want to hang out with anybody, uh then maybe you

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you know that's fine. or is is it something that's prolonged for a long time? And if so, you might want to think

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about is that normal for you? I I'm not a mental health professional, so I I'm

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not in a position to um diagnose anybody by any means, but like usually if somebody is is going through a major

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hermit phase, there might be some kind of depression um going on, you know,

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it's worth taking a look into. Um, but if it's just the one, like if you're fine hanging out with a lot of other

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people, but it's just the one person that you really don't feel like seeing, like listen to your body, you know,

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listen to how how does that person make you feel? And um, okay, so that was energy audit. And then the next framework is consistency versus chaos.

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Are they emotionally reliable? Are are they somebody that you can go to with your problems and they and you can trust

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that they're going to um listen with compassion,

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show caring and and that you feel like you can open up to them. That's what being emotionally reliable is. Is there

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a pattern of hot and cold behavior or guilt tripping or emotional dumping?

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Yeah. If every time you meet the person,

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they just do an emotional dump on you and they don't really ask about you or want to spend time talking about you or

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listening to your things, then you know after like two three times of this, it's pretty clear that there's a pattern,

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right? Um,

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and then uh or hot cold behavior like if they're super nice to you one day uh but

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then the next time they're cold um you know that's usually a little bit of a red flag too. And then the the the

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next uh framework to evaluate friendships is supportive growth. Do we support each other's growth? Do we or do

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we feel stuck in our old versions of ourselves?

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Um, sometimes, you know, a friend will be like a cheerleader. I think I'm I'm

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I'm a cheerleaders with my friends, by the way. Like, when I become really good friends with with a person, nothing they

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can do no wrong. Like, and then nobody's good enough for them in terms of dating.

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So, just watch out there, you guys. I'm just kidding. Sometimes I do. I am happy. I have a friend or two who will

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find a really nice partner and I'll be very happy for them. Um, so I'm just kidding about that, but and okay,

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so we talked about the frameworks.

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Um, what do we do when you realize that somebody is not for you? You know, first

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of all, trust the quiet no. It's a subtle but it's a clear internal knowing.

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Normalize not forcing chemistry or closeness. Normalize not um let like you

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don't have to force anything. And if you don't feel like that's the right person, that's fine. That's fine to pull back.

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Let the connection fade naturally or the slow fade. That's kind of what I was mentioning earlier. or if needed, you know, have a kind direct conversation.

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And so, like this is an example here that I got from the internet is you,

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hey, or hey, I've been feeling like we're in different places right now. I still care about you, but I'm needing

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more space. So, that would be a kind way to kind of try to try to cut the cord a bit and and go your separate ways.

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Um, you could change that script. Uh,

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you or you you could also set boundaries. Um, you could if you say say you weren't ready to cut the person off

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completely, but you just wanted to only see that person in small doses. For

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example, you could say, "Hey, like I got a lot going on and I just uh feel like we would be better off if we only saw

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each other um you know, once a quarter or so, once a month or you know, it's up to you whatever boundary you want to

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set. And then it's up to them to honor your boundary or not. And if they don't, then you know what the next step is,

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right? So, what about the grief that can happen?" Um, grief can happen even if you're the one that's creating the

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distance. You can love someone and still choose to step back. Letting go can stir

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up guilt, doubt, or sadness. And that's normal. Uh, grieve the version of that

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friendship that could have been and thank it. Thank the friendship for what it did offer.

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And, uh, that's, you know, that's perfectly normal feelings.

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And but then let's talk about the positive side of doing this like what happens when you filter well for a f for

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friends. When you filter well means you are creating space for aligned nourishing relationships to emerge with

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the friendships that are still uh making it in your filter. Do you're deep you're building deeper trust with yourself.

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you're you're starting to attract friendships that are rooted in mutual care and not obligation or familiarity.

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I'm a big believer in this and uh I you know I see a lot of people online that

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uh I see a lot of complaints complaints about Charlotte. Oh, Charlotte is a bad place to make friends or people in

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Charlotte are flaky or uh people are superficial. Well, guess what? Not all people. You can still find uh nonflaky,

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non-supficial people. You got to look for them. You got to evaluate the people you're meeting. You got to hang out,

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give people a chance. And the only way you find out about this is by going uh finding ways to be exposed to those

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people multiple times. Whether it be through a meetup or a repeated group or whether you're creating the you're

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creating the times. You're the one going, "Okay, let's go for coffee. Let's have a dinner at my house. Let's take a

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walk or whatever." And um you you find ways to to evaluate people through those

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filters in a natural way and then you decide okay I would love to see this person some more or no this person's okay I don't need to see them more.

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Uh and and just keep in mind that friendships in adulthood are complicated enough and our lives are so complicated

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that if somebody chooses to reduce their exposure to you, like if you're on the receiving end of that reduced exposure,

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yeah, it's hard. Like being rejected sucks. Nobody likes it. But um I think I

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choose to see it as an opportunity for myself to find the friends who do want to be with me. So um one of the

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boundaries I set for myself, I think it was a few years ago even,

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man, I'm losing track of time. uh it was I am only going to

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quote unquote chase after people who are chasing me. So if if like no matter how

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much I love a person, if I think the person is amazing, if I reach out to them a few times asking them to go out,

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hang out, whatever, and if I feel if I get noticed that the answer is always

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no, no, no. Oh, I'm too busy or I give up

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and it's sad and uh but I'm not gonna chase after someone who's not interested in hanging out with me. Like uh I

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deserve better than that, right? So like, you know, um I I just put my my faith out into the universe that I'm

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going to find other people who genuinely do want to hang out with me. Um, and that it it's okay if that person doesn't for whatever reason.

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It it could be nothing to do with me. It could be nothing personal against me. It could be their own stuff going on. I'm not going to take it personally.

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I'm just going to be okay. It's not their time for me. It's not my time for them, I guess. And or it's not our time

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to be friends. and I'll respect that and I'll just move on to find uh people who

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who do want to prioritize me as a friend or who do want to hang out with me, who do want to invite me to things or make

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plans with me. So that's my one um way of looking at this. And so that's

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another way to filter, right? It's filtering out the people who don't who are not responsive.

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So, I would love to hear your thoughts on this. It's a little bit of a tricky subject.

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And feel free to email me, comment in the podcast or in the YouTube video and

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uh or on social media on Instagram um or Tik Tok. And I, you know, thank you for

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this uh for listening to me during this solo episode. Uh it was an honest and necessary conversation on connectedness.

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Remember that we're all allowed to be discerning. We are all allowed to choose

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relationships that nourish us and gently release the ones that no longer feel aligned.

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There's there doesn't need to be drama.

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There doesn't need to be a villain or you know somebody who did something bad. just clar clarity,

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self-rust, and an understanding that not everyone is for us and we're not for everyone either in this episode. If this

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episode brought something for you, I'd love to hear it. Come find me on Instagram at Phil.cups or my other social media and let's keep the conversation going.

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