About Making Friends with Friendship Coach Zayne | Connectedness Podcast Ep 21 - part 2

Fernanda: When it comes to internal factors and counterproductive beliefs about your ability to make new friends, do you think they're driven by emotional wounds from the past? Where do those negative beliefs even come from?

Zayne: I like to define beliefs as thoughts you've thought over and over again to the point where they become pretty solidified in your brain. They can certainly come from the past; I think a lot of them do, or at least part of the belief comes from past experience.

And then social media, too. Going back to that, it's like: is what I consume fueling a useful belief, or something that I actually don't want to be thinking?

Again, with these dinner parties, which can be so beautiful to see—I see those and think, "Oh, this is so beautiful." But others will see that and think, "Oh man, I don't have that. I want that."

Beliefs can definitely stem from past experiences and childhood. But then you have to look at what is fueling the belief now. Am I in a place where I can disentangle the belief, poke holes in it, and adopt new beliefs? Because I think no matter what your past experiences were, you always have the capability to do that.

Fernanda: It sounds like yes, there may be past reasons why you have counterproductive beliefs, but it's about being aware of them and not letting them hold you back.

If one of our listeners had a bad experience with a friendship in the past, it doesn't mean that all future friendships are going to be bad. It's just one experience, and it's not telling a larger story about the person's life.

Zayne: Well said. Absolutely. Having awareness around the belief is very central and important. Then you ask yourself: Okay, what do I want to do with this?

To give a tangible example: say I have the belief that I don't connect well with people in group settings, perhaps because of past experiences. You go to a meetup event—a group setting—and you notice yourself getting nervous, your anxiety going off, and your heart rate picking up.

That's when you realize, Oh, wait, there's nothing inherently wrong with me. I just have some challenges in group settings, and I'm actually facing these challenges right now in real time.

It would be a disservice not to mention nervous system regulation. That is such a huge component of this work, and it's what I love to do with my people: figuring out how you can calm your system, and figuring out what environments help calm your system and what environments don't. The beliefs and the nervous system are just so inextricably tied.

Fernanda: To put that in more tangible terms: if someone notices they don't like loud environments, instead of going to a loud meetup, they might go to a game night or a language meetup at a library where it's more chill and easier to hear people. That's part of learning your own sensitivity to external input.

Zayne: Yeah, and recognizing that social anxiety—or anxiety in general—is going to be part of the process.

I still get anxiety when I go to my book club, and I've been to several book clubs. I mentioned the open mic—I've performed there several times, and every single time I get anxiety.

It's about making that not a problem and recognizing, Okay, anxiety is here. I have tools that I can use to process that anxiety and be with it enough where I'm still present with the people and whatever activity is going on. Then you see what environments would be better for you right now, like a book club if you don't want to be in a loud room.

Fernanda: We talked about these tactics for when we go out to meetups and new groups, and how to cope with anxiety. But what about when you're actually practicing the art of friendship with somebody already? What does it mean to exercise your friendship skills in real life to deepen or build the friendship?

Zayne: Curiosity is the cornerstone of any deep, connected friendship. Get curious with your friends and ask them questions—not necessarily super deep questions about childhood right at the start, but just asking, "Hey, how did you feel when this happened?"

Sometimes in friendships we become "catch-up friends," where we're just sharing the events of the week. The magic isn't necessarily in what happened; it's in the significance. How did that make the person feel? What was the impact?

For example, I got into a very minor car accident the other day. When I was telling my friend, he asked, "Hey, are you okay? What was that experience like?" Just getting curious in a slightly deeper way with your friends is so central.

People sometimes confuse this with thinking they have to share all their trauma right away. You don't have to do that. You can build the friendship, trust, and vulnerability as you go along.

Vulnerability doesn't only have to be about sharing negative or tender things; vulnerability can also be celebrating a win you had. If you want to get deeper with a friend, you can say, "Hey, I just had this brilliant podcast feature, and I'm really proud of how I showed up." That is vulnerability, and that builds the friendship.

Fernanda: That's a good reminder. When we hear the word vulnerability, we often think about sharing something negative about ourselves. Opening up is definitely one of the most powerful tools to build a real connection quickly, but I never thought about vulnerability as celebrating something good that we did.

Zayne: I like to think of it as opening your heart up to someone. That can be something challenging in your life, or it can be something expressive where you're sharing something meaningful to you. That is vulnerability.

Fernanda: When it comes to building a new friendship, how would somebody put in the effort without overextending themselves or slipping into people-pleasing?

Zayne: Overextending happens when you haven't established enough of a connection with someone to have a one-to-one hangout outside of that shared experience.

We can be so eager to rush into it, but that can lead to overextending if you haven't formed the connection enough yet. I've had situations where I waited six months, and others, like a poetry meetup, where we hung out after meeting three times. Take any rigid rules with a grain of salt, but overextending usually happens when you rush it, and you'll feel that in your body because it won't feel as grounded. As adults, we need to take some time.

When it comes to people-pleasing, watch out for whether the person you're talking to makes your energetic field feel softer or harder and more sharp. At meetup events, there are people I feel myself softening and settling around, which is a signal that my body, brain, and overall being feel safe with them.

Other people make me want to withdraw a little bit, like something doesn't quite feel right. People-pleasing comes in when we override that signal and keep hanging out with someone who doesn't feel safe to our nervous system.

It also comes in when you prioritize being nice over being honest. Honesty is the highest form of kindness. If someone wants to hang out but it doesn't feel aligned, you can say, "I appreciate the invite, but right now I'm just taking some time to get to know everyone here." Notice where your nervous system softens or hardens, and act in accordance with that.

Fernanda: People-pleasing is a huge rabbit hole. That's definitely something I've struggled with, but I'm working on it.

Zayne: In the past, when people treated me terribly, there was this sense of: I'd rather be treated terribly than be alone. I really had to work through that. I'd think, Yeah, they're awful, but at least I'm talking to someone rather than no one at all.

Even if it doesn't feel like it, you are better off alone in your own company than with people who make you feel terribly lonely. That's something I truly believe in and want every single person to understand.

Fernanda: It's crazy how someone else can make you feel lonely even when you're in their presence, but it's real. What does a healthy adult friendship look like to you?

Zayne: First and foremost, it's respecting and honoring the fact that it's going to look different than it did when we were kids. There's sometimes an expectation that once you find a groove, it's going to stay like that forever, but adult friendships have seasons.

People go through career transitions, have children, and navigate life changes. Being aware of that right off the bat helps you avoid putting unfair expectations on a friend.

I experienced this when I had friends I used to talk to every single week, and now it's once every three weeks. That stung for a long time, and it's easy to think they don't care, but it's often just a different season. You want your friends to show up when they have presence and capacity, not when they're forcing themselves to.

Presence is huge. When you do spend time together, be as present as possible—engage, stay off your phone, and really be with them.

Also, notice that different friends might have different roles. People often complain that they're the only ones who ever initiate plans, but that might just be your role in the dynamic. In one of my friendships, I always initiate the plans, but they always host and cook. There's a balance there.

Above all else, practice open communication. If something stings, express it in a loving and kind way. Focus on your experience rather than blaming the other person; share how something affected you, and stay open, curious, and honest.

Fernanda: That was really good stuff, Zayne. Thank you so much. As we get toward the end of the episode, what do you hope someone who feels lonely takes away from this conversation?

Zayne: I hope anyone who feels lonely understands that you're not alone in that experience. Loneliness is becoming more and more common, especially with adults, and that experience shouldn't be minimized or invalidated—it's painful.

Please know that you have so much to offer friends, the people you meet at events, and even the cashier at the grocery store. If you want to make new friends, you have every capability inside of you to do that, and listening to this episode is a testament to that. It might not always be easy, but it can absolutely be done.

Fernanda: Tell our listeners where they can find you and learn more about your work.

Zayne: I'm Friendship Coach Zayne on Instagram—that's Z-A-Y-N-E. I help people make new friends, uplevel their current friendships, and move through friendship challenges and breakups.

Reach out to me on Instagram, where you'll find a booking link for a Friendship Roadmap call. We'll talk about where you currently are in your friendships, where you want to be, and how to bridge that gap.

Fernanda: I've watched your videos and gained really quick, meaningful insights from them, so I appreciate everything you're doing in this space. Those niche meetups you go to, like poetry and singing, sound like so much fun.

Zayne: There are so many niche meetups out there—it's just about finding them. I'm so committed to making friends that I'll even start a TikTok saying, "Hey, I'm trying to make friends around this specific card game, who wants to connect?"

Five years ago I would have thought that was cringe, but putting yourself out there is worth it. You can change how you view friendships, change the friends you have, and build the connections you're looking for.

Fernanda: Are you on TikTok as well?

Zayne: Yes, also Friendship Coach Zayne.

Fernanda: I'll have to follow you there too! This conversation highlights something we don't talk about enough: struggling with friendships doesn't mean there's something wrong with you. A lot of us are navigating connection without a map.

If today's episode resonated with you, I hope it reminded you that friendship isn't about perfection or having everything figured out. It's about showing up, learning, and staying open even when it feels uncomfortable.

Thank you so much, Zayne, for sharing your perspective and honesty. To everyone listening, if you're feeling disconnected right now, you're not alone, and it doesn't have to stay that way.

I'll see you on the next episode!