Navigating Early Relationship Troubles Effectively

Yesterday I was talking to a girlfriend who had started dating someone that she was really liking. I asked her how it was going, and she told me unfortunately it wasn't going anymore. I asked why? She said that there were some signals of the guy feeling frustrated about her having a social life outside of their relationship, and apparently he wasn't able to express his frustration in productive ways. He would kind of blow up at her and then apologize for it the next day.

This happened three times. The last time, she tried to address it with him, and he yelled at her and said something like "I don't have to explain myself to you!". That came across to her as a sign that this was not a healthy pattern, and so she decided to put an end to things.

Now what would have happened if on the very first time that he was feeling frustrated, he would have respectfully told her why he was frustrated? He could have said something like: "hey, the reason I'm upset is I feel like when you go out without me that you're not prioritizing me," or: "hey, I just feel left out, I wish I was more included in your social plans".

Now that doesn't mean that my friend should have changed her social schedule to accommodate him or that she should have backed out of her social plans. However, this could have been an opening for her to assure him that she is into him and that she is prioritizing him in other ways or at a different time. It would also have been a good opportunity for her to establish a boundary with him in which she makes it known to him that even though they are in a relationship, she still expects to be able to do things on her own and have her own social life outside of the relationship.

Those are all conversations that need to happen. If you are in a new relationship, you should not expect that your partner is going to give up their entire social life to be with you, and they should not expect that of you either. Healthy relationships involve bringing your whole self and being your whole self which means having hobbies and friends outside of the relationship.

In the case of my friend and her her guy, it's really unfortunate that the budding relationship ended due to improper communication! Because it seems like she really liked him. He seemed like someone who was special to her, and I I believe he must really like her too. But with this break in communication, they broke up. As someone who wants people to find loving nurturing rewarding relationships I see this as a lost opportunity.

And I know none none of us are born knowing how to communicate properly. Those are all things we learn over time. We need to remember that the first few months of a of a new relationship is a fragile time when we are establishing the ground rules for ourselves. And yes, there might be some bumps on the road but those aren't complete roadblocks.

We need to overcome those bumps by telling our partners:

• What we need

• What what we think is acceptable.

• What we don't think is acceptable

and negotiate outcomes for mutual happiness.

This is the time for you to set up the foundation for a healthy relationship so that the two of you can grow together. Sometimes it's okay for you to say: "hey, this is what I need". And then you see what the person says. Maybe the person isn't used to having somebody tell them what they need. These are all things we learn with experience.

So next time you're starting a new relationship and you reach some kind of conflict, try establishing reasonable communication so that you can understand each other and reach a higher level of clarity of the expectations you have for one another. It might be a bit scary, but a good relationship will be worth making the effort!